[Thatguy]

Me and my girlfriend have just hit 9 months of being together. Not only are in a relationship but it’s also long distance. Here’s the story. We met in a strange way. I was on a guys holiday with friends she was a girls holiday with her friends. These types of holidays are purely just to go wild. I had no intention of doing that just have a good time with my friends. The first day we get there I see my soon to be girlfriend sitting by the pool listening to music. My lady’s man friend chats to her and does his usual thing. Few days go past and I spend some time with her. The first night we instantly hit it off. The first 10 minutes I knew I would’ve never find someone like her. I spend the night at here place but no we did not do anything. I didn’t want to but to this day she says she did want to. From there our relationship started. I take a 7 to 11 hour bus every second week to see her. She does the same. I fall deep in love with her and she does the same. Things go great. Until. Until I find out that she slept with my ladies man friend twice the night before she spent the night with me. Not only that. She kissed him a few hours before spending the night with me even after seeing him go off with two different girls in front of her. It’s gets worse as I find out she didn’t even use a condom the second night as she was on the pill. When I saw him go off with two girls I made an attempt to kiss her to which she rejected me and still went and kissed my friend after rejecting me. I just hit the 9 month mark and I can’t sleep. I think about it everyday. I picture it everyday. How she was with him. Picturing her sleeping with him. Remembering how she rejected me for him. The real kick in the teeth is me and that guy are no longer friends. I have to live with knowing what she did with this guy. He’s better than me in every way smarter, better looking, funnier. Everything. She was the first girl I slept with. She was my first girlfriend. I can’t stop imagining it. Every night I’m scared to be left alone to my imagination. I need advice. I love her and I’ve tried so hard to not think about it but I can’t help feeling she wanted him more than me. I can’t stop feeling angry when I picture them having sex. I’m at breaking point

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

[Thatguy]

Both of us are 20 years old

[mayjarvis]

i’m only 16 so of course feel free to ignore me, but i am in a similar position. Well, in the sense that i know my boyfriend slept with another girl when we weren’t together (on a break) and even to this day it makes me feel sick to think about. Even though i know he loves me and he promises me he would never go back there, it still plays on my mind and i can’t control it even though i trust him one hundred percent. I think you just have to remember that this was a crazy holiday where the both of you were not expecting to find a relationship. she probably was just enjoying getting to know people that week too, as is her right as you were both single. She probably only developed those feelings later when she started to get to know you, but before that she may have just wanted to have some fun. She should have been open about it straight away of course, but just remember that she wouldn’t be in a 9 month relationship with you unless she wanted to. Yes, she may have slept with that guy before you guys had even started to become a thing, but who was she to know that nine months later you’d be a couple? The fact she’s made the long distance effort further proves that she wants this to work. Try to move on and accept that it’s the past – it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you now. I’m sure you had the intention to sleep with girls that holiday before you realised you wanted to be with her

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you for sharing that. 🙂

[Jenny18]

Hi!
You sound like you’re dealing with a lot of feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. But relationships are a choice, and it sounds like she chose you!
It’s not that unusual for young people who are getting to know themselves and figure out how relationships work to have casual relationships, especially in the context of a girls / guys holiday like you said.
She may have behaved inconsiderately during the holiday, but look at her behaviour now. If she says and acts like she wants to be with you, let the past go. Holding a grudge will only poison what could be a beautiful relationship!
Good luck!

[AskApril Masini]

Good advice! 🙂

[Sally]

What you’re stuck in isn’t about what she did anymore it’s about what your mind keeps replaying. You didn’t just learn a detail, you learned it involved someone you compare yourself to, and that cuts deep. Especially since she was your first. That makes everything louder and heavier.

Here’s the honest truth, even if it hurts: what happened was before you were together. But the pain you’re in now is real, and love doesn’t cancel that out. If nine months later you can’t sleep, can’t stop the images, and feel this much anger and fear, your nervous system is waving a red flag.

This isn’t something you can just think your way out of. You either need real support to work through it, or you need to admit that this relationship might be costing you your peace.
Loving someone shouldn’t feel like this every night.

[Tara]

You’re torturing yourself over something that happened before you were even together, and that’s the part you need to hear without sugarcoating. She did not betray you; you betrayed yourself by building a fantasy and then retroactively punishing her for not living up to it. She didn’t choose him over you; at that moment, there was no “you” to choose. You were two strangers at a holiday, and she behaved like someone single because she was. Your pain isn’t about what she did; it’s about your insecurity,

comparison, and wounded ego turning into obsession. You’ve turned one man into a god and yourself into a victim, and that’s why you’re spiraling. The constant mental movies, the rage, the sleepless night,s that’s not love, that’s fixation mixed with self-loathing.

If you keep replaying this, you will destroy the relationship anyway, because resentment rots intimacy from the inside out. Either you accept the reality fully not “I forgive her but still punish myself nightly,” or you walk away and get help, because this level of rumination isn’t healthy or noble, it’s self-destructive. She chose you for nine months. If that’s still not enough for you to stop competing with a ghost, then the problem isn’t her past; it’s your inability to believe you’re worthy in the present.

[Jessica Miller]

This one really hurt to read. You can feel how tired and scared he is.

Here’s the simple truth, no big words: what happened was before you two were together. Back then, she was single. Messy? Yes. Perfect? No. But not cheating.

The real problem now is your brain won’t stop playing the same bad movie again and again. That’s torture. Loving does not seem like fighting your own thoughts every night.

Please don’t put the other guy on that super-hero pedestal of yours. He’s not better than you. If he was, she wouldn’t be travelling hours just to see you for 9 months. She chose you. Again and again.

If this pain keeps eating you alive, love alone won’t fix it. You can either have an honest discussion and possibly seek assistance or simply leave to protect your peace. A partnership needs to be a secure environment, not a nightmare.

[Member]

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