[gooda]

SO…I have been dating a man for the last 4.5 months or so. We just got back from a nice Caribbean vacation 3 weeks ago. He is 24 and I am 32. We first starting seeing each other we were very casual and I was very careful with my feelings etc. He said to me after seeing me for two weeks “I’m going to make you my girlfriend” which about 2 or so weeks after that we agreed we would only see each other and be bf and gf.

He’s always been a immature but I also thought he was sweet and funny not to mention a ton of fun. We spent a lot of time together and we would text or call frequently enough. He’s always had a problem with being late, we have made plans and he’ll call me 3 hrs later to tell me he had to stay late at school to work on a project etc. I mentioned to him that it would be nice if he would call me or text me to let me know earlier than that. One time I was honestly concerned he was in an accident. He said he would and I just learned that if he said 8:30 he meant 9:30 at least and tried not to nag him too much about it. He’s late for other things as well like work and family events. So I know it’s not just me, but more than likely just much latter with me.
I should also mention that he’s from a different culture and he has made mention he’s never introduced a girl to his family (he still lives at home) because the family is very picky etc about whom he dates and they like to control it sounds who he would eventually marry. Seems like only if there’s an attempted prearranged marriage type thing would he bring home a girl or that girl would be introduced to him by his parents. I think this is lame. I also find that annoying and am doubting carry forward with him because I would want to love my bf or husbands family and I doubt this would be possible.

He also worked very hard in the beginning to get me to love him I feel. He would say “tell me you love me” and of course I wouldn’t because I didn’t. He also calls me wifey on occasion. I am wondering now if this was all sweetness or manipulative techniques. I told him at the start what I was looking for and said in this country we do this….and explained how we date not knowing where it will go but we’re open to anything and everything meaning marriage etc. He said he understood.

I am carrying on here I feel, but it seems as of late we don’t do too much, but I chalked it up to him being ultra busy with work, school and many projects at school. Which also could be exaggerated on his part to have an excuse as to his whereabouts.

This past Fri, I texted him asking if we could do something cause I missed him. He hadn’t responded in 3hrs so I said back it’s ok never mind. He responded an hour or so later saying sorry he was busy working on his car, which I know it had broken down so entirely possible. I didn’t respond he texted again asking me how work was hrs later I responded and said it was ok. He called me later and we talked for an hour and a half but never did go out. I told him it bothered me he didn’t respond to my text cause it only takes 2 seconds. He asked me to give him a chance to make things better. I was like yeah babe.

Sat he didn’t call or text me at all. I sent him a good morning text at 9 or so sun morning and gave in and called at 130 he answered said he was gonna come over a bit before work in 30 to 40 mins, and took him over an hr. He only spent and hr or so before he had to go. He made an effort to text me the rest of the day and called me that night saying he would come over mon at 8:30. I had a feeling he would stand me up as he told me he would come over, and guess what! he did. I called at 845 or so no answer, and then texted are you still coming babe? no response till a call at 11:55 pm! 3.5hrs later!! and then a text saying babee i called you cause I’m so sorry i couldn’t come over.

He’s called me numerous times today and one text asking if my phone was working cause he’s called so much. SO needless to say I’m angry and don’t know what to do. IS he cheating on me, losing interest? or just plain stupid and immature. Im thinking at this point i’ve been a sucker and should dump him as he’s probably been lying and cheating on me the whole time….🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t know if he’s cheating on you, but he’s definitely inconsiderate and he’s not showing you respect. He’s also not that into you. 😳 If he was, he would act like he wanted to spend time with you.

On top of that, you’ve been chasing him — when you don’t hear from him, you ask him to take you out. Or you text him and call him if he hasn’t called you. You’re turning into his mother trying to tell him what to do. This can’t feel very good for you.

I don’t have a problem with age differences, but this guy is still living with his mother and father. That’s not so much an age difference as a lifestyle difference. He’s not ready to be in a serious relationship.

My advice is to move on and find someone who’s more compatible with you. It shouldn’t be that hard to do. 😉

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[gooda]

So why work so hard to win my love? Why go on vacation with me? I didn’t pay his way. I don’t overly text or call him, he just called me 5 times today and texted, and I haven’t responed. Why would he call so much today if he wasn’t that into me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]So why work so hard to win my love?[/quote]

He hasn’t worked hard at all. 😯 If anything, he’s been pretty lax about making you feel special. 😳 [i]Nothing[/i] you mentioned indicates he’s working hard. If anything, you’ve painted a picture of a guy who’s really not very caring — to the point that you suspected he was cheating on you — and you branded him a loser or immature. These aren’t terms of endearment. And they’re not what you or anyone would use to describe a guy who’s trying to win over a woman.

It sounds like he’s using you to have fun, but has no intention of anything serious. You’ve bought into the fact that he won’t introduce you to his parents because of cultural differences. I think you’ve glossing over the fact that he doesn’t see this relationship as a serious one, and you’re trying to “bend” it into one.

[quote] Why go on vacation with me? I didn’t pay his way.[/quote]

Of course you didn’t pay his way — but the point is that he didn’t pay for yours. 😕 He went because you made it easy for him. If you’re looking for fun in the moment without a commitment, he’s your guy. But the complaints you have about him are all because he’s not someone who’s going to give you the commitment you seem to want. I think that’s why you wrote here.

[quote]I don’t overly text or call him, he just called me 5 times today and texted, and I haven’t responed. Why would he call so much today if he wasn’t that into me?[/quote]

I am not sure I agree with you that you’re not contacting him too much. But in answer to your question, he contacted you multiple times today because [i]today[/i] he wants to be in contact. But all of the other times when he’s hours late — or stands you up completely when you had plans to get together — trump his calling you multiple times today. 😳

Think about what you really want in a man and a relationship….. and then go for that — but don’t date men who aren’t what you really want, and then try to make them something they aren’t. 😉

[gooda]

I guess I should mention that we’ve gone other places together, spent time together quite a bit. He was spending at least three nights a week at my house, and another three to four working, so I figured he did care for me honestly. He also told me he had feelings for me and told me he loved me first. It felt like he spent all his free time with me willingly without me asking him to.

Honestly, I would never text him if he hadn’t texted me first, and I would rarely ask him to do something; it would always be me agreeing to do something with him. There were quite a few occasions where I would tell him I couldn’t as well. He made mention that it always seemed like he had to text me first, and it kind of bugged him, so I made more of an effort to reach out and ask him how his days was etc, or just to say have a good day.

I agree with you though that I have made it too easy for him, and I think I’ve been giving his lax daisy efforts the benefit of the doubt by admitting he was younger and inexperienced. I also know that he is [i]Very [/i]busy with school and work.

He told me once I was the best gf he ever had, because I don’t nag him, and I let him be himself, and that I’m so good to him. He would compliment me all the time saying I was beautiful or so pretty. Things like why couldn’t I have met you when I was 16? He said once, I’m afraid, I said of what? And he said of this ending. I said well why does it have to end? He seemed relieved with that answer. He also told me all about this traditional thing from his culture and then said “see now when you meet my parents you can tell them about it,” which I kind of laughed off because I know meeting them is serious business. He never said he wouldn’t introduce me just that he was afraid to because they would be judgmental of me, mostly because of my age.

He would say things like there are so many bad people in the world, and that he only wanted good people in his life like me, and that he was always going to respect me. He would say if I go a day without seeing you I start to miss you. I guess all this talk, as that’s all it is, got me to think he had good intentions. (you’ve pointed out his lack of respect regarding cancelling and showing up late, and he would say, but I’m trying I came to see you, and I would think yes, he could have just gone out etc. he did make an effort to come see me, and he is late with everyone, school and work, and family functions so again it’s not just me he’s late for.) I do feel frustrated though because part of me wonders if this is all game, I do feel lead on somewhat.

He also told me he’s never had a relationship with a girl before like how ours is. Him spending the night all the time, showering, making food together etc. So he probably was feeling like we were super serious, but to me it’s just a bf who may or may not be a husband further down the road. I had recently got out of a 14 year common law relationship 7 or so months ago so all this was normal for me. I off course would like to get married one day, but not for years because it takes that time to know someone well enough, and I just got out of a marriage type relationship. I wanted to have fun with one person, and see where things went with a commitment to one another that we were exclusive and that is what me and my bf now have. I explained that’s what I wanted, we both agreed. He also told me he wanted a loving relationship, it seemed like we were on the same page.

I’m curious to know if you think all his sweet talk was manipulation? I should probably note too, that I was involved with a friend of a friend of his that did me wrong, he was 28. We got together quickly after I dumped him. It’s a long story but I gave him my number saying we should hang out sometime and things went quick from there. That foaf still doesn’t know that we are bf and gf. Part of me did tell myself “birds of a feather flock together.” But again they just knew each other and would hang out sometimes, they weren’t that close.

I sent him a text late last night saying hey, maybe we can meet sometime soon for coffee and talk? I haven’t heard back from him yet, I know he’s in school. I’m going to end things with him. 🙁 And based on the tone of the text and lack of the ever present “babe” he must know it.

A huge part of me hopes he would beg me to give him another chance to prove he loves me etc, but I know the family thing is a huge barrier I don’t want to deal with. I thought he was stronger when it came to that, as we talked till 5 am one morning about it, and how some of his other cousins etc, married someone different and didn’t care cause they loved their wives and their families eventually came to accept the wife. He made it seem like it would be hard for us but possible. Maybe he just needs some space because he’s so busy etc but didn’t want to upset me by asking? Maybe he really doesn’t love me?

Thank you so much for your responses, they help a lot. I would love to hear what you think I should say, and if he wants me to give him another chance should I?

[gooda]

I should also note, I know he’s immature but he’s not a loser. Deep down he’s a good guy, I am truly in love with him, so I guess the title was me reacting to him laming out on me mon. I guess also the possibility of him being nothing he’s presenting to me. (sweet talk)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve really changed your tune from your first post where you called him a loser, to now when you’re professing your love for him! 😯 It isn’t clear what you really want. I’m not sure you know. Sometimes you sound like you want a serious commitment (which I don’t think is going to happen with him) and sometimes I hear you saying you just want to have fun and see where things go. Until you’re more clear, you’re going to flip flop back and forth in both your own feelings — and your frustrations.

My advice is that when you want a serious relationship choose someone who’s not living with his parents. He doesn’t have enough real life experience to be Mr. Right for you.

If you just want to have fun, then have fun until it isn’t fun any more — but frankly, the standing you up and not returning calls or showing up — would be a deal breaker in my book. I think you can do better — but it’s up to you! 😀

[gooda]

Thank you again April, I guess I’m not sure what I want, and I don’t know if I understand even how this all works. I would like marriage one day, but not now. Not for at least 5 years, but if you’re spending time with someone and loving someone and they’re your bf shouldn’t there at least be a potential there for them to be your husband one day? How long should they be your boyfriend before you start to feel they could be your husband? I understand this would be different for everyone.

He called me today and came by to see me. Didn’t mention anything about the text, asked me why I didn’t answer any of his calls, I told him I was busy. He said I was mean for ignoring his calls. I also told him how not calling me earlier to let me know he wasn’t coming bothered me. He told me he was sick, and showed me a Dr. note he got for some tests he had to miss today at school, as well I could hear it in this voice. To him, he called me. He doesn’t seem to understand that it’s a big deal to be late all the time etc. I also think he’s lacking time management skills. You can’t tell someone you’ll be there in 30 mins, when you’re 1hr away, he does this too, so I don’t know. Any advice on how to get him to understand that?

He said he wants to go for a walk in the park tomorrow and get some ice cream so we’ll see how that all goes. I do love him, and I understand no one’s perfect, he has many good qualities as well. I don’t want to give up on him yet. Maybe he just needs a good women to help him grow up a bit? Lol.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote] but if you’re spending time with someone and loving someone and they’re your bf shouldn’t there at least be a potential there for them to be your husband one day? [/quote]

No. Not necessarily.

[quote]How long should they be your boyfriend before you start to feel they could be your husband?[/quote]

If you want a husband, then you should look for someone who’s husband material. A man who lives with his parents isn’t a good bet.

[quote]He doesn’t seem to understand that it’s a big deal to be late all the time etc. I also think he’s lacking time management skills. You can’t tell someone you’ll be there in 30 mins, when you’re 1hr away, he does this too, so I don’t know. Any advice on how to get him to understand that?[/quote]

Yes. I already told you: He’s inconsiderate. People who are late — let alone those who stand you up — are selfish and inconsiderate. The fact that he brought you a doctor’s note to show you he was late is pretty bizarre. He’s treating you like an authority figure — not a girlfriend.

[quote]Maybe he just needs a good women to help him grow up a bit? Lol.[/quote]

😯 😯 😯

Without meaning to be harsh (buckle up): You’re about to become a cliche. The older woman who doesn’t understand why her boyfriend who lives with his parents, won’t grow up — after x number of years invested.

Good luck! 😉

[gooda]

Hi April,

There has been an update to this story and I can’t believe I’m in this situation and wanted your point of view. My friends have all said to drop him, and I’m thinking you’re going to too, but I still want your amazing input.
I had mentioned the not showing up the Mon night, and I seemed to notice a pattern with disappearing on Mondays. Increasingly as I mentioned my instinct was telling me something was not right. Fri, we had texted a bit and the conversation stopped around noon when he didn’t respond back to my text. I didn’t text back. I went for drinks with a friend that night and we got to talking about what was going on. I decided I wanted to drive by his house to see if he was home. He wasn’t. I called at 1 or so am with no response. (He doesn’t have call display) so I called back again around 2 am. He answered and I heard a girl in the background I asked him hey what’s up? He said hey can I call you back and then hung up on me. Of course I was furious. I texted him saying obviously you think I’m stupid and we’re done. He called me many many times and texted the next day. I talked to him and he said he was with a friend and the girl was his friend, he’s up to nothing. Well, I wasn’t born yesterday. I also drove by his house the next day around noon, just to see if he had spent the night out and again his car wasn’t there.

Sun, his very close friend died in a car accident, he asked me for support even though I was still fuming from Fri, and having doubts in my heart I agreed. He came to see me Mon, and I couldn’t help but start questioning him about Fri. After a lot of prying I started getting half truths out of him. He spent the night and I could not sleep at all. Tues morning he finally confessed everything that’s been going on and it’s disturbing to me to say the least.

He told me he’s in love with two women, and that he was with her mon and fri. He starting seeing her before me, but when he starting seeing me he liked me so much, we grew and he just couldn’t stop seeing me. This angers me because I told him I wanted a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend which he agreed to. So why agree? Just selfish?

With her their progression was a lot slower, because she lives out of town, and the mother is very strict. (she lives at home) He’s saying that they’ve only been together a hand full of times, which I kind of believe because allegedly this girl was a virgin. He told me that he tried to break off things with her in Jan because he was choosing me, as he knew he had to choose one of us. And she cried and freaked out and begged him not to. Apparently it’s always her coming down to see him, and again over the last 5 months he’s saying he has seen her maybe 20 times. So he says, however I do tend to believe him because once he confessed, everything rings true. He says this is the only thing he’s kept from me, and he’s not really a liar or a bad guy. I am going to have him read your responses so please give it all you got.

Basically he loves both of us, and has been doing his best to make each of us happy. He told me she wanted to take him to Cuba in Dec and he didn’t go because of me even though she was going to pay for him. He says she does so much for me, sounds like she pays for a lot of stuff, which I wouldn’t do that because I think it should be more equal. He says I chose to go with you on vacation and that he has done much more for me. It’s really hard for me to wrap my head around all of this non sense, and the true me would say f off, but I’m in love with him, and want him to choose me. He has yet to tell her about me, but she as well has her suspicions. She’s leaving for Iraq or wherever she’s from in a few days for 6 weeks because the mother wants to attempt to marry her off. (charming) He says she’s leaving, we can fix this, but they had made plans for tomorrow although not 100% and I don’t want him to go at all. Because I know what’s going to happen, I’ve told him that I may be able to try to forgive him and move on, but I cannot accept him being with her again. He says that she so sad because she’s leaving and wants him to wait for her, little does she know about the web of lies and deceit that he’s created. He wants to see her tomorrow because he doesn’t want to hurt her, but what about hurting me?!

I told him, that if he goes then I’m out and will not attempt anything. He’s really wavering on it, which does tell me a lot, and even said that fine he can’t have either of us. I ask him if he wants to be with me and he says yes, he’s told me he loves me 1000 times, but how much of that is true, because I’m a believer that actions speak louder than words. He also keeps telling me I love you both, which angers me. I’ve told him stop hurting me, you can’t go tomorrow, that if he wants me to forgive him and try and rebuild he needs to end things with her, done, finished for good. He seems to think this will send her off the deep end, and doesn’t want to hurt her. I’ve told him, she doesn’t even know the truth and she may not want you after you tell her. Tonight we are going to a movie and to come back to my place and talk more about how we’re doing this. And what he can say to her so he can end it without devastating her too much. This has made me lose my mind a bit and I am dealing with a lot of anger and confusion, in ways I want to be reckless and go on some kind of party binge but I know this is not the right way to handle my pain.

I wonder too if he will end it, what will happen when she comes back? I don’t want to invest yet another 6 weeks plus all to be deceived again.

This is really a toxic situation; I don’t know what’s wrong with me for even considering attempting to fix this. But I am in desperate need of advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Remember in my last post to you when I said, “You’re about to become a cliche: The older woman who doesn’t understand why her boyfriend who lives with his parents won’t grow up after xxx years.” ? Well, it’s happening.

YOU continue to date a guy who shows you who he is over and over again, and you keep trying to make him change. It’s not working, and you wonder why. 😳

I’m sorry, but you’re in a dead end relationship — except the end can be a long way off, and the road to it, misery. My advice is get out now, since you didn’t last week. 🙁 This isn’t about him. It’s about you and your decision to love someone who is incompatible, a liar, irresponsible and disrespectful. Until you start deciding you are a valuable person and treat yourself that way, you’ll continue to put yourself in harm’s way — whether it’s with this guy or another.

[gooda]

I had thought the same thing as well. I know that I as well can walk away from this; the power is in my hands as well.

Are you telling me there is absolutely no future for us? Even if this girl is removed from the picture. What if he were to move out of the parent’s house? I’ve told him living at home is hindering his growth. What about love? Do you feel it’s possible to love two people at the same time? I told him I couldn’t imagine deceiving someone I love. I really want to know what you think, because I’ve said these things to him, and he doesn’t seem to understand the deception and the cheating because he thinks it’s love? Unless this is just a selfish excuse?

Are you saying regardless this is deadend because of who he is as a person? I was so happy with the way we were except for the lateness and now this nonsense with the other girl. I think they’re hand in hand, there’s nothing that can be done to change this?

If he calls this girl and tells her it’s over etc, and doesn’t go tomorrow should I try and work on this? Or again you’re saying it’s just pointless?
I very much would love for you to lay it out about him so he can read it for himself and maybe get a bit of a wakeup call because it’s coming from an expert.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you understand that this is about [i]you,[/i] not him. You keep turning it back on him and asking me questions about him, when you should be asking yourself the questions about you. 😉 For instance:

Why are you dating a man who lives with his parents, and expecting him to be serious about the relationship?

Why are you dating a man who cheats on you, and thinking he’s going to be monogamous?

Why are you dating a man who is disrespectful?

You keep wanting to fix him, and he’s not the problem. He is who he is, and he’s very clear about it.

There is no future with this guy because you’re looking for a man with different qualities and you’re having a hard time accepting that he doesn’t have them, so you’re trying to change him. My advice is to stop doing that.

I’ll answer your questions for you:

[quote]What if he were to move out of the parent’s house? I’ve told him living at home is hindering his growth. [/quote]

If he moved out of his parent’s house, he’d be living on his own — but he’s not. And you’re not his mother. When you find yourself telling your boyfriend that his living with is parents is hindering his growth, you’ve taken on the role of counselor or parent. 😳 Not a promising dynamic for a boyfriend/girlfriend. 😕 Stop telling him what to do, and decide what YOU’RE going to do. 😉

[quote]What about love? Do you feel it’s possible to love two people at the same time? I told him I couldn’t imagine deceiving someone I love. I really want to know what you think, because I’ve said these things to him, and he doesn’t seem to understand the deception and the cheating because he thinks it’s love? Unless this is just a selfish excuse? [/quote]

Yes, you can love two people at the same time — your family, your friends, etc. Mormons and people in other such cultures have romantic relationships with a husband and several wives at once. Harems are the same thing. He already knows what YOU think — that you YOU can’t imagine deceiving someone, and he showed you what HE thinks, but you’re not listening…. 😳 I’m not here to be an authority on every couple, but it’s very clear that you want a monogamous relationship and he doesn’t. I’m not sure how to get through to you on that one. I’ve tried. 🙁

[quote]Are you saying regardless this is deadend because of who he is as a person? [/quote]

No…. it’s a dead end relationship because of who YOU are as a person. You want monogamy. He doesn’t. You’ve chosen someone who is not compatible and now you’re trying to change him, instead of yourself. You can’t change him, but you can change your behavior and choose a compatible man. He’s not that person.

[quote]I was so happy with the way we were except for the lateness and now this nonsense with the other girl. I think they’re hand in hand, there’s nothing that can be done to change this? [/quote]

Yes, something can be done. You can accept that he cheated on you, and probably will again, and choose someone to date who wants a monogamous relationship.

[quote]If he calls this girl and tells her it’s over etc, and doesn’t go tomorrow should I try and work on this? [/quote]

Yes. You should work on this, by moving on.

[quote]Or again you’re saying it’s just pointless?[/quote]

Yes. It’s pointless to try to get a man to be someone he isn’t. 😳 Again, this isn’t about him — it’s about YOU. 😉 He’s just doing his thing — you are trying to pretend he’s someone different. Time to wake up and smell the coffee — or have a pot ready for when you do wake up.

[gooda]

Thank you!! You’re so amazing with your advice. I was thinking the same thing, I’m not willing to settle for this and am moving on. It’s amazing how some people can be so deceptive. As the saying goes, fool me once….

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have a good attitude. Thanks for the kind words — and good luck! 😀

[Member]

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