[Stryfebob]

I never thought I’d end up asking for advice in my relationship but I’m in desperate need for some guidance at this stage. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 4yrs now. After 2yrs of dating I proposed to her and she said she would think about it. I was a little surprised but needless to say I understood her point because she is younger than me. After that time we moved in together to see how the relationship would go, it had its fair share of ups and downs but we managed to see it through. My family was completely against the idea of us moving in together and to this day I still get chewed out over it but I’ve told them if they can’t respect my choices its going to be difficult for us to get along.

At the time of proposing I had a stable job and everything was going peachy. Right before she moved down I switched jobs(which wasn’t the smartest idea) and now with the current job market I’ve been working longer hours and with the possibility our department shutting down I’m not sure if I want to commit to a marriage since I’m the only one working. She was planning on attending college in the Spring and I just don’t know how we’ll ever be able to afford such an expense.

On top of that I’ve never ever been unfaithful in my relationship however two months ago I started talking to someone and for some reason in my moment of weakness I grew fond of this other woman but never did anything with her other than talking. To me that is like emotional cheating and when my girlfriend found out I confessed everything to her. I no longer have feelings for this woman but it scares me how I changed from being a committed boyfriend who would talk to another woman and think such things.

We’ve never spent any time apart and I don’t know how long it will take me to get over these mental insecurities I have. I just know if she did the same I would have never forgiven her and she wants to give it a shot but I’ve not forgiven myself and me wanting a break is so I can come to terms with it. Us living together doesn’t help the situation.

I love her deeply and couldn’t think of life without her but at this stage I’m just frustrated with myself and everything happening around me. I know she wants to see this through and she feels if we get married we can go through this but as of recently I’ve been thinking a lot more about it and I’m scared my family will never accept her because of our different cultural backgrounds. They are constantly pressuring me into finding someone else who’s more from our background and I just feel like I need a break to sort everything out in my head and in life before I can commit myself to her.

She’s presently 23 and I’m 31 so our age difference makes a big issue to my family. Also a big part of me some days wishes I could just be alone. I don’t want to see other people and I won’t stop her if she wants to see someone I just know I need some alone time to sort this out. She might not be there waiting and I could lose the best thing in my life but at the same time I would be causing her a lot more heartbreak by keeping her in this. I know I’m being selfish and only thinking about myself but I can’t lie to her and keep this going when I have all these thoughts running through my head.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not ready to get married to her. I think you know this and you don’t want to face it because you’re going to have to tell her to move out and you’re going to have to be alone and you’re going to feel guilty. But as tough as those things are, staying with her is going to create more heartache and despair for both of you. 😳

You’re looking for reasons to get out of the relationship. Look no further. I’m giving you permission. You have to man up and be honest with yourself and with her. Maturity means making the right decision for the long run even if it is going to be difficult and hurtful in the short run (good practice for parenting one day!).

Tell her today and don’t prolong the pain you’re going through and the pain she will go through if you don’t do the right thing.

I’m sorry this is tough. You can do it. Life will get easier after you do. For both of you.

I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Stryfebob]

Thanks for the advice April. A part of me actually agrees with you and the other part thinks I might just need some more time to think things a little more clearly. Is it normal for men to go through these cycles or am I just completely losing track of reality and the problem on hand.

I do plan on having a serious talk with her tomorrow about this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think more time is the answer here. The reason I say that is because you’ve been dating for four years and you’re 31 — not too young to make this decision and if after four years, you’re still not sure, this isn’t Ms. Right. When you say that you need time alone, it doesn’t make sense that after four years, and with the of you living in different countries for the past 12 months, so you’ve had a lot of alone time already, being alone is going to lead you to an answer. 😳

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Stryfebob]

Thanks for the much needed advice April. It’s just that at one point it felt absolutely right and over the last 3 months these feelings of being unsure crept back and I just can’t seem to shake them at all.

Which is now leading to all of this confusion. We’ve started having the talk slowly the hardest part will be the moving out. We have two cats together and figuring out how we’ll maintain a friendship after this is going to be the most difficult part. Since she lives in another country.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry for your troubles. 🙁 I know that breaking up a four year relationship is difficult in any event. I don’t recommend maintaining a friendship with an ex. It’s a lot harder to get over a break up and move on if you’re trying to stay friends. Again, I know how hard this can be, and the desire to stay friends is a way to hold on, but it’s time to let go…so that you can find Ms. Right. If you’re connected to your ex, you won’t be able to be available to the right woman.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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