[OhComeOn]

Me and my boyfriend are very in love, neither of us have ever felt anything like it. We don’t really have any problems, apart from the occasional argument, and when we do argue he always makes the first move to sort things out with me. We’re always making each other laugh and we can talk about absolutely anything. He is my best friend and I am his. And the sex is always brilliant too. We are really connected on every level. We lived together for a year and that was really nice too.

Everything is great when I put it like that, and I can see us getting through anything together, and having kids and growing old together. But that’s what scares me. I am only twenty, and I have got everything I ever wanted with this man, it just feels like it’s five years too early. I am at university and he lives a few hours away, and he is calling me or texting me everyday, always making sure I am alright, surprising me by turning up unexpected, the perfect romantic and attentive boyfriend.

I guess in a way I just expected the long distance not to work, and I was prepared for that, I got it into my head, but it’s seemingly fine. I am just having a bit of a commitment panic, I want to be free, and I need to be focussed on my course, and whenever he calls I am always busy. It’s not that I don’t want to speak to him, but I have started getting frustrated at all of his texts and calls when I am trying to get on with my work/life here. I have spoken to him about this, and explained that I need a bit more space, but in a way this has made it worse – I think he panicked that he was losing me and clung on tighter.

The thing is I can almost turn this feeling on and off, I have become very good at ignoring these feelings, they aren’t incredibly strong, and so most of the time me and him are great. But they come in waves, and I can’t tell if I am making up a problem in my head that isn’t that big a deal, or repressing a big problem and pretending it isn’t there. I am very confused.

I feel like a selfish, ungrateful, bitch – because I have what many people would dream of, and I myself have always dreamt of. When I think about losing him it hurts and I can’t imagine life without him, but on the other hand I know we’d always be close friends, although I’m fully aware that this wouldn’t be as straightforward as it sounds. I don’t want to throw our relationship away for nothing, and regret it more than anything. But I also don’t want to look back in ten year’s time and feel like I never ‘lived’, never ‘found myself’, was never free, or never had much experience.

Does that make any sense? I just don’t know what to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like at age 20, you understandably want to experience life more, and he’s in a different place, in that he’s ready to have a serious commitment with you now.

It isn’t fair for you to expect him to give you space — if you want to date other people then you have to declare your own boundaries. His panic is understandable. He knows he may lose you and he doesn’t want that. It’s a lot easier in a way for people to get into a fight and break up than to decide that it’s just not working out because of a concrete incompatibility and know you’re going to hurt him if you do break up with him. Angry break ups diffuse the direct pain of rejection and loss. Your maturity, sensitivity and understanding of the problem is what makes it so painful for you. Your fear of giving up a good man in exchange for exploring college life only to possibly wish you hadn’t given him up — or giving up this special time to explore other relationships and a new life in exchange for your current relationship, only to find out you possibly made a mistake and threw away a special part of your life — is all real and understandable, but life is full of choices and you have to make one.

Drop the judgment you’re making about yourself and look at the options clearly. I know this is hard, but you have to do two equations. The first one is to figure out what you want more — the college experience or the relationship you have now. The second thing you have to figure out is which possible loss will be worse for you.

I hope that helps you make your decision. Let me know what you decide and how you’re doing. And follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter, as well as on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Palilas]

[quote=”OhComeOn”]Me and my boyfriend are very in love, neither of us have ever felt anything like it. We don’t really have any problems, apart from the occasional argument, and when we do argue he always makes the first move to sort things out with me. We’re always making each other laugh and we can talk about absolutely anything. He is my best friend and I am his. And the sex is always brilliant too. We are really connected on every level. We lived together for a year and that was really nice too.

Everything is great when I put it like that, and I can see us getting through anything together, and having kids and growing old together. But that’s what scares me. I am only twenty, and I have got everything I ever wanted with this man, it just feels like it’s five years too early. I am at university and he lives a few hours away, and he is calling me or texting me everyday, always making sure I am alright, surprising me by turning up unexpected, the perfect romantic and attentive boyfriend.

I guess in a way I just expected the long distance not to work, and I was prepared for that, I got it into my head, but it’s seemingly fine. I am just having a bit of a commitment panic, I want to be free, and I need to be focussed on my course, and whenever he calls I am always busy. It’s not that I don’t want to speak to him, but I have started getting frustrated at all of his texts and calls when I am trying to get on with my work/life here. I have spoken to him about this, and explained that I need a bit more space, but in a way this has made it worse – I think he panicked that he was losing me and clung on tighter.

The thing is I can almost turn this feeling on and off, I have become very good at ignoring these feelings, they aren’t incredibly strong, and so most of the time me and him are great. But they come in waves, and I can’t tell if I am making up a problem in my head that isn’t that big a deal, or repressing a big problem and pretending it isn’t there. I am very confused.

I feel like a selfish, ungrateful, bitch – because I have what many people would dream of, and I myself have always dreamt of. When I think about losing him it hurts and I can’t imagine life without him, but on the other hand I know we’d always be close friends, although I’m fully aware that this wouldn’t be as straightforward as it sounds. I don’t want to throw our relationship away for nothing, and regret it more than anything. But I also don’t want to look back in ten year’s time and feel like I never ‘lived’, never ‘found myself’, was never free, or never had much experience.

Does that make any sense? I just don’t know what to do.[/quote]

Hey Buddy,

Love itself is confusing as there is an old saying: “The greatest hate springs from the greatest love.”
So don’t think because in love your intellect may confused you but not your emotions. 😆

Thanks,

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think what [b]Palilas[/b] is trying to say is that you should follow your heart. I tend to think you should balance your heart and your mind. 😉

@AskAprilcom is where you can follow me on Twitter, and this is my link for Facebook: [url][/url].

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