[Liz]

I am 32 and have never had a serious relationship. Not because I haven’t had opportunity but because when my father died while I was in college I shut off emotionally. I was too scared to let anyone in for fear they would leave me like my dad did. The pain of my dad dying was so intense I didn’t think I would be able to handle more loss.

Fast forward to 2007 when a new guy started at my job. He was going through a divorce at the time and had a 2 year old son. Nothing really happened at first but then we started to click. We became really good friends, talking on the phone all day during work, but nothing romantic. We had people at work including our boss ask us if we were dating. One girl even cornered me at an after work happy hour, saying “Really, you and John? Nothing? Are you sure?” He suddenly had a girlfriend from out of town – like 2 hours away back home where his parents lived. That lasted about 6 months when he broke that off with her because he thought that his son was suffering from being shuttled back and forth between him and his wife (the divorce never finalized). He was thinking of getting back together with her for his son. They were going to counseling and trying to make it work.

Within 2 months of breaking up with the girlfriend, he had moved back in with his wife and son. The girls at work, not realizing I had these feelings for John, would talk about his situation and were shocked. He never had anything nice to say about her prior. They were originally separated because she told him she didn’t want to be married to him and didn’t love him anymore. Basically she kicked him out. A current coworker had known him at a previous job and they had mutual friends at this previous job. She told these mutual friends about John getting back together with his wife and they were shocked because of how much she hurt him before. My spectulation from talking to him was that she found out how hard living on your own is and couldn’t handle it. So she was willing to take him back. He would tell me stories about how she had her dad doing everything for her, setting up car insurance for her and other life things that as grownup she should be doing for herself.

Once he moved back home, I felt the flirting had intensified between us. He went on vacation with her to Hawaii for her job but ended up texting me for 8 hours one day while she was at work. We hung out more after work at local bars just the 2 of us. Nothing much would happen except harmless flirting and having fun but nothing physical or romantic. Until the time we held hands and he told me he wished I gone to his college instead of him meeting me now. He said it would make things so much easier. I knew at that moment I hadn’t been making up this connection between us but didn’t know what to do since he was getting back with his wife.

Then I found out the wife was pregnant. Once we found out that news, the girls at work did the math and we figured she had gotten pregnant within a month or two of his moving back home. The first thing out of one girl’s mouth was “She’s trapping him.” Nobody believed they had decided to have a kid so soon after getting back together and this just put more fuel on the fire that she was manipulative and not right for John. The pregnancy also seemed to coincide with him putting his wedding ring back on. But the holding hands and intensified flirting with me was going on when he knew she was pregnant but I didn’t.

We had more nights out on the town with co workers including a night out dancing where he danced with me the whole time and did a lot of touching and close dancing in front of the co-workers. We also hung out just the 2 of us a lot. Still no kissing or crossing the line but the connection was strong and intense.

I had to help throw a baby shower at work for him, which was so hard for me. After it was over I went and cried for a half hour. When the baby was born, and he finally came back to work I sat at my desk and cried, seeing and hearing him talk to co workers about how happy he was.

Within 2 months after the baby was born, we hung out one night and he kissed me. We talked and he said he always thinks about me and wonders what I’m doing and that we just click. We make sense. We have fun together and he wishes he wasn’t in such a complicated situation. We talked and I said I was willing to try to explore whatever this was. It felt right to me. After not being able to make connections with men in the past, I felt I could with this man. This man in an incredibly complicated situation. We talked about everything including his marriage. He told me the pregnancy was an accident and I questioned whether it was an accident for her and he said he didn’t know, but he certainly didn’t rule it out. He said I was one of his best friends. He’s lost touch and connections with so many of his friends from school and from back home, mostly because they didn’t like his wife and she didn’t like them. He said that he had had a troubled relationship with his wife for years and then whenever they ran into trouble they would just “do the next thing.” So when things weren’t working they would move in together and then the relationship would get better for a while. Until they started having problems again so they got engaged. And then when things got bad again, they decided to have a baby, etc. To me this didn’t sound healthy and explains why the wife thought their marriage would be fine if she got pregnant right away. He also told me that she’s had emotional problems in the past, depression, bulimia, etc. The more I heard the more convinced I was that he wasn’t in a good marriage and that I could be the one to help him out of it.

He ended up taking off his wedding ring immediately after we started hanging out saying it wasn’t fair to me. And that he told his wife he lost it. He started to explore how he was going to pay for everything when he would move out. How much of an apartment he could afford. We started to explore and have a relationship. Well as much of one as you can when the guy is married with a 4 year old and a newborn. I couldn’t believe this was my life, someone who pushed away relationships and guys for so long. I couldn’t believe I was willing to be this secret mistress. I tried to convince myself I owed it to myself to explore this after so long of shutting myself off. I justified being with a married man because this wife seemed to be so manipulative and just not right for him and if it weren’t for the kids he wouldn’t be with her. He said as much to me. He has a strong sense of fatherhood and doesn’t want to let his kids down.

He told his wife he wasn’t happy and that he dreaded coming home every night. Well then they started to go to counseling together again. And she decided that she wasn’t going to go back to work after her maternity leave was over, claiming her therapist didn’t think it was a good idea for her emotionally. When I heard that I started to worry, that she was just trying to trap him even further knowing that he couldn’t support her, his kids and move out on his own. When I questioned him about it, he said he couldn’t tell her she had to go back to work.

After 3-4 months of us being together, he said he had to give his family his full attention. He didn’t feel he was doing anything wrong when we were together until one morning when he was supposed to meet me before work and he was late. He said that was the first time he didn’t feel right about what we were doing and that he needed to step back. He said that if all things were equal and that he didn’t have kids it would be no contest who he would choose to be with. And that’s what hurt, he feels this connection with us but it’s not enough. I want to be the one to make him happy but now I can’t.

During this whole 3-4 months we talked about how what we were doing wasn’t easy and that the most important thing was our friendship. I was convinced that we would always be friends no matter what. Well, when he didn’t want a relationship with me anymore, I was devastated, but knew that I couldn’t lose him as a friend. That would be kind of loss I don’t think I could get over. He had become my best friend too. So I needed to suck it up and be the friend. But told him I needed his help to do it. We knew we needed to hang out outside of work and just be friends. He broke it off in early December and we haven’t been able to find that time, with all the holidays and vacations that have happened. We set something up for this past Thursday and when I found out his wife was sick on Tuesday I knew she was gonna manipulate him out of Thursday’s night out. And that is exactly what happened. I got very upset and told him I didn’t feel like i mattered to him. He argued and said next to his family, I am the most important person to him. He hates seeing me hurt and upset. If he only had 2 nights a month that he could get out he would want to spend that time with me. He wouldn’t want to see any of his other friends. I think trying to convince me how much I mean to him.

I told him I still had these feelings and that I know there’s a line and that I wouldn’t cross it. I know my place. And he said he still has feelings too. He can’t just turn them off, but he has to do what’s right for his family.

I pressed him on his wife being sick and why if she was still sick Thursday that he didn’t know in the morning, why he had to find out at 1:00 that she’s too sick to take care of the kids that night. He said she was feeling better in the morning and didn’t think it would be a problem, until she called and said she felt worse. And I said it doesn’t work that way. When you are throwing up it doesn’t last for 2 days and you don’t all of a sudden get better only to have it get worse 6 hours later.

That is until I woke this morning with the revelation – oh my god is she pregnant again? Could this be happening? Could he have broken it off with me so abruptly because she got pregnant? That wouldn’t have been planned either right? They wouldn’t have gotten pregnant so soon after having a baby on purpose. At least he wouldn’t. She knew he wasn’t happy after the baby was born. Did she do this to him again?

How can I be friends like we were when I know she is sucking his life away from him? How can I put my heart through this? I don’t know anything about relationships. But I do know he is the man that made me feel something and I don’t know that anyone else can do that. And I don’t want anyone else to. I want him. And I know I can’t. How am I going to deal with the possibility of him telling me she’s pregnant? Should I confront him or just wait until he mentions it?

This was long and I apologize and I know I haven’t even told half the story, but I wanted to put as much color into it as I could. I look forward to any comments/advice you might have.

[Ask April Masini]

What is of concern is that you’ve reached the age of 32 and have only had this one serious relationship because you say your father’s death scarred you so much you have what appears to be a crippling fear of abandonment. In fact, that problem is so great, you’ve now chosen a man who is unavailable to you to assure you won’t have a relationship again. Until you are able to really get over your father’s death, and understand that people do leave us because life is finite, and that in spite of that, you’re going to try to make the best of it and risk the hurt of someone leaving you, you’ll never be happy in a relationship.

That’s the crux of this problem in a nutshell. The rest of your post is just you trying to shirk responsibility for your own actions.

What you don’t seem to get is that you’ve chosen a married man who is never going to leave his wife for you, and you’re blaming her for your dilemma. In fact, what you’re subconsciously doing is trying to get your married boyfriend’s children to suffer the same abandonment of losing their father to you, that you suffered and never got over. You may not be full conscious of what you’re doing, but if you can be more self aware, it will be easier for you to find happiness instead of misery.

Leave your boyfriend alone. He’s married and has children. If he sleeps with you it will be because he can. If he befriends you it will be because he likes having the attention of a woman who loves him, and his wife. He’s never going to treat you as if you’re worthy of respect and loyalty because you don’t present yourself as someone who deserves a man all to herself.

If you have to quit your job and look for another one in another city so you won’t see this guy at work any more, and will more easily break up with him, then do it. What I’d like to see for you, after you break up with him, is for you to start dating men who are available, and showing these men that you value yourself, and then being able to accept their valuing you, too.

I hope this helps, and that you can find some peace and happiness in your life with a man who is available, loyal, respectful, loving and overall, Mr. Right. I know you deserve that — now you have to buy into the fact that you do, too. 😉

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