[blossom]

Hi, some advice would be greatly appreciated. I meet this great guy about a year and a half ago. We are both the same age – late 20’s, and seemed to immediatly click – same interests, views etc. We went out on a date. We kissed – that was as far as it went. The next week I moved away for university, but we kept in contact via text & facebook. Few months later he was in a serious relationship with a girl he had been dating before we met.
Just before he announced he was in a relationship he had invited me to his birthday party, and messaged me to say that I missed a great party and that a kiss woulda been nice. Once in a relationship, I think he he was hesitant to contact me, but asked me to go for coffee. But anytime I would actively try to arrange to meet up as friends, he wouldn’t answer my message- pretend he didnt get it or see it in time. Like he didn’t want to dismiss me altogether… I seen him a few times in bars, and there still seemed to be chemistry between us. But alot unsaid.
Anyways his relationship ended day after Christmas, and he immediately text me to say he’d love to get coffee, he wanted to before but didn’t feel right when he was with his girlfiend as she didn’t know me. He said that when he kissed me I was away so he couldn’t follow up. Anyways we got coffee, agreed just to be friends now. He has been constantly messaging me since, especially late at night on facebook. And I got the impression he wanted more than friends – staring at me, checking me out, leaning – all the signs. He then messaged me to say he’ kinda liked me’ after seeing him out in a bar, and when I answered back that I liked him too he ignored it! Seen him a few times, it was awkward we didn’t speak. So I asked him what he meant by ‘kinda’, but he just said he knows he is hard to read. Anyways he was dating another girl since Christmas and now has announced he is in a relationship again (6 weeks just after his other 1 year relationship ended – different paths just).
So – is he playing me or does he really care? What was he looking for – a rebound girl? Or genuinely getting back to me as he never got the chance to before as I was away practially as soon as we met. What is his new relationship? Rebound or what? Last week he asked me to go to a gig, when I discovered the girl he is now in the new relationship wasn’t having anything to do with him.
The thing is I do like him – and he knows it. Is he playing me? It feels like when things don’t work out with other girls he comes back to me, and I don’t like that. Should I just now totally forget him or try and stay friends?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s playing the field. He’s not particularly interested in having a longterm, committed relationship, and he’s giving you all the signals that if you’re willing, he’s ready — but not for a commitment.

I never suggest that men and women be friends because it’s too confusing and feelings are miscommunicated at best, and hurt at worst. Since you have romantic and sexual feelings for him, a friendship isn’t going to work. And he’s attracted to you, too — so the friendship will be a friendship when he wants you to be a friend, and more when he doesn’t, and then back again. It’s going to be very confusing and not in your best interest.

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[blossom]

Thanks for the advice. Some more would be great as I’m still involved with this guy. So we agreed to be cool with being just friends. Since I’ve meet him once for coffee and a few times with friends. He asked me to go to a few events (but mainly when his date cancelled). And seemed mad when I declined to go! Whenever we meet up, the conversations always seem to be polite and not much about real feeling. Its not that he is not expressive (he is a musician!!) its just that it seems like he doesnt know if or what he feels towards me. I messaged him confronting him, telling him how I felt and that it seems like hes just playing a game. He apologised and explained and agreed we should meet up for a proper chat about feelings. But then he reclined by saying he was busy (which I know he was). His answers are quite vague. Instead of properly trying to meet up to chat, he asks me to come to his gig (he is a musician) where once again nothing of substance would be said between us! I declined telling him why but I havent heard back from him since. It seems like he is up for chatting properly then backs away. But never would dismiss me in anyway, just seems to leave things hanging. I dont understand why! I know he has had a very troublesome relationship in the past which I think he is not properly over. But I dont know if he genuinely wants to be in contact with me or am I pushing him? He knows I have feelings for him even though we agreed to be friends. Is he genuinely confused or genuinely not bothered? How can I let him go for good this time???

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]But I dont know if he genuinely wants to be in contact with me or am I pushing him? [/quote]

You are pushing him. 😳

[quote]Is he genuinely confused or genuinely not bothered? ?[/quote]

He’s not confused. He’s just not that into you.

[quote]How can I let him go for good this time??[/quote]

Easy. Stop being his friend. The friend zone is where women go when they think that they can leverage friendship into romance. It doesn’t work. Get out of the friend zone, and don’t spend any more time with him. Instead, focus on finding someone who is into you, wants to date you, and has the same goals you do — a relationship! 😉

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[blossom]

Meet a nice guy in a bar recently. Constantly was looking at me as soon as me and a friend stood near,we seemed to instantly click. Eventually got talking. He was with 2 other friends. He invited us back to his house for a drink (he and his friend were both cops, also we had mutual friends so it was safe enough) Things were going good until his friend started coming onto me while we were alone in another room. He came in and saw and seemed really upset about. At first his friend was trying to come onto me in front of him but he pulled me away. After he saw I went his sleazy friend tried to stop me leaving the room. But he came along and we ended up kissing. He wanted to take things further but I said no. Ended up sleeping there as we had no way home but in spare room. This is not my usual method of operation but …Tried friending him on facebook the next day and messaging apologising, but he never replied. Week later seen his sleazy friend, and told him off for being sleazy. Few days later he replied, just saying hope all is good it was a good nights fun. Thing is, he just recently broke up with his girlfriend. Was this just rebound? One night stand material? Or any genuine interest? Seems his friend was claimimg he made out with me, maybe he thought so so never bothered contacting me back at first. He genuinely seemed interested all night , has a good reputation for being a really good guy, but was bit drunk by the end. How can I make things seem right or any advice t avoid falling for these sitautions?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for re-posting this here, so I can see all your posts to me! 😀 I was able to figure out, this way, that you’re in your late 20s, and you had some friend zone issues about 9 months ago. Now you’ve met someone new, and here’s my advice on this situation. Let him chase you. 😉 That’s the way you’ll know if he’s interested or not. Right now, you’re trying to do some “advanced math” to figure out whether there’s a future with him or not. Put the calculator down. 😆 Don’t friend him. Don’t call him. Don’t text him. Instead, wait and see if he contacts you and asks you out on a date. In the meantime, consider yourself single and looking so you don’t focus on this guy — before you’ve even had a single date with him.

And…. for future, an alternative for meeting a new guy in a bar, is instead of going home with him that night, give him your phone number instead, and don’t go home with him. That way you’ve flirted with him, given him something to chase, and you’ll be able to know, much more clearly, if he calls and wants a date — or not. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. 🙂

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