[Anonymous]

Hi, April. I wrote to you before, a couple of months ago, when my former fiancee was planning to leave me. I know you get lots of letters, so to recap: he was unhappy with everything…his job, the place we live, his boss…and when we began having problems, he just had nothing in his life that was happy or good, so he decided he was moving back to his home state to “help his family” who were experiencing various problems. Of course, we both knew that he was leaving because our relationship wasn’t in a great place at that point. He didn’t leave for six full weeks after the decision was made, and in the end, kept delaying his departure day by day until I finally told him that if he was going to do this, he had to do it already. He finally left one month ago, amid tears and emotional promises to return after he “figured things out”. Needless to say, I didn’t want him to go and never felt that our issues were all that bad…certainly nothing we couldn’t work through. Since he’s been gone, we have spoken regularly on the phone. The conversations have swung between him telling me how much he missed and loved me, how he is trying to work things out within himself so that he can return, to him saying that he isn’t sure that we can ever work things out. But he kept asking me not to give up, to continue to believe in “us”. When he left we didn’t unravel some things…we still have a joint bank account which we both still use, he still uses his cell phone which is under my account, and recently I even had his brother’s electricity turned on under MY name because nobody else had good enough credit to do that. And let me add here that I don’t think things have worked out for him the way he hoped they would when he returned home. His family have their own lives and are basically just using him for financial help, he hasn’t found a job or even looked for one, he’s doing cash work so that he can collect unemployment here where I live (which he has sent to our joint bank account for me to use to pay our bills). Finally after 2 weeks of the mixed messages, I sent him a letter telling him that I no longer believe, can’t live on the hope that he’s coming back, and that it’s best we both move on without any expectations, just live our lives, and if we find our way back to one another someday, that’s great…but meanwhile, live our lives as if that’s not going to happen.

That letter really upset him and he was at first angry that I could “only give him 2 weeks” before giving up. Our next conversation was Thanksgiving day and he apologized for his anger, and said that he’d really been depressed, thinks he may have made a mistake by leaving me, and has been doing alot of thinking. Of course, I’m thinking this is all great news and he’s coming back. But he didn’t say that. In fact, he said that he hadn’t decided that yet. He says that he misses me and loves me, and has thought alot about coming back, but he’s afraid that we won’t be able to fix our problems, that I wouldn’t be able to trust him and forgive him for leaving, and then we’d have to go thru this all over again. I assured him that if he does come back it will have to be with both of us committed to TRYING to make it work, and also with a clean slate…both of us forgiving the other for any pain we’ve caused each other. He sounded receptive to his and I know he is seriously considering returning, but so far he hasn’t done that or fully decided to do it. After that conversation, I realized that he wasn’t telling me anything that I hadn’t heard from him before, no decision had been made, and it annoyed me. Since then, I haven’t picked up his calls because I just don’t want to hear more of the same old stuff. Can you tell from what I’ve written here if he is planning to return, is just looking for more reassurances from me before he makes his decision, or is he just stringing me along? He always tells me how much he loves me and misses me, but if that’s the case, why isn’t he back here yet trying to work things out?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not going to like hearing this, but he’s using you for your money and in order to keep his fantasy life alive. Your best bet is to stop enabling him. That’s the only way you’re going to see who he really is instead of fooling yourself that he’s ever going to get it together.

Actions speak louder than words and this guy has left you! 🙁 Let go and let him get his life together. By continuing to talk to him on the phone you are fanning the flames of his seeing [b]you[/b] 🙄 as his knight in shining armor who’s going to save him and will always be there for him. This is not a good dynamic for any man to have with his girlfriend, fiance or spouse. In fact, it’s just as bad for you to be acting like “the guy” and denying any guy in your life the role of taking charge and being the one who feels so proud of himself for rescuing a situation. 🙁

He may or may not come back, but regardless, he’s not treating you like a boyfriend who respects you or who wants any kind of healthy and happy future with you. I wish you could wrap your head around that and see it. You are too intelligent to fool yourself any more. (Buckle up — here comes the harsh stuff.)

He’s left you. He chose his family over you. That’s not what a guy who wants to marry you or commit to you does. He’s moved out of state. It’s over. Now you just have to accept it and act like you’re broken up instead of clinging to your part in the fantasy.

Here’s how you do it:

1. Close out the joint bank account. You’re not a couple any more. Send him a check for half of whatever is in it.

2. Change his cell phone account so that you are no longer responsible for any part of the account. (Are you his mother?? Why are you paying his cell phone bills?)

3. Take your name off of the electric bill at his brother’s house in another state immediately. This was not a smart move to begin with, so correct it. You shouldn’t be rescuing him or enabling him or his family. This doesn’t help him get back on his feet. It prolongs his problems and it keeps him from being “the man”.

Stop looking for mixed messages that aren’t there. This guy is a mess and you should expect more of the same from him. He’s all over the map with his life and his emotions, and the way he’s treating you (not to mention himself) isn’t healthy. The only person who’s giving you mixed messages is you!

I hope that helps you. Let me know how things go. I hope that you’ll start to celebrate this upcoming holiday season as a single woman who’s able and ready to start dating again. You deserve a healthy and happy relationship in your life! 🙂

[Member]

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