[anna472]

Hey guys. So I met this guy Mark a while ago via my next door neighbor Andrea (we were hanging out once and she invited him). The night I met him we were really into each other and I ended up going home with him. My neighbor made him promise that he wouldn’t sleep with me and that he would be good. He tried to stick to the promise and we were supposed to just cuddle but I initiated the sex and we had an amazing time. He told me that I was the best he ever had and the best he was ever gonna have and he even joked – my god will you marry me? – after I gave him a really good bj (sorry for the details but it gives some context).

We have been hooking up ever since and I think I’m falling for him. He texts me throughout the day and sometimes we hang out and watch movies and hang out with his friends. We have a lot of sex though and I give to him A LOT and he is crazy for it. However a while ago he told me that he recently got out of a relationship and has been in relationships since he was 14 so he doesn’t want to commit right now and wants to be free. This kind of bothered me so yesterday I met up with him and told him that I don’t know what to do, that I really like him and don’t want to get hurt yet I respect that he wants his freedom. So maybe I shouldn’t see him anymore. Also, that I don’t want to be just some girl that he “banged” several times and that when I am with someone it is because I really care about them. He told me that he does care about me too and that he enjoys spending time with me apart from the sex and that I am an amazing girl. He just doesn’t know what to do as well because he is fed up with all the relationship drama. He suggested that maybe we just see where this goes and not put labels on anything, but that we still hang out and do fun stuff together, not just sex. I said OK let’s try it and that I understand he needs his space and I need my space too. Then we went to hang out with his friends and Andrea at a bar and had fun and then went back to my place and had really passionate sex. As I lay on his chest he told me – don’t fall for me though, I don’t want you to get hurt. And I said I won’t but in my heart I knew I already did.

Now my question is – should I continue seeing him or will I get hurt? Do you think he will commit to me or is he just bs-ing and trying to keep me around for the sex? Is there a way I can win him over?
(He is 24 and I am 25).

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]should I continue seeing him or will I get hurt?[/quote]

This all depends on what you want from a relationship. If you want a monogamous committed relationship, then you have to act like it. If you’re looking for fun that will lead nowhere anytime soon, then you have to act like it. When you meet a guy and sleep with him right away, you’re sending him the message that you’re interested in the latter. It sounds like you’ve been hooking up and not dating, and that just reinforces the message to him that you’re not in it for the long haul. From his point of view, you’ve suddenly turned the tables on him. 😯

Now you’re trying to get him to be someone who wants a relationship, when he’s been clear with you he’s not someone who’s into a relationship right now.

What that means is that if you want a relationship that is committed and monogamous, you’ll probably be hurt if you expect him to give that to you.

[quote] Do you think he will commit to me or is he just bs-ing and trying to keep me around for the sex? [/quote]

Gosh, I don’t think he’s bs-ing you. I think it’s the other way around, since you’re the one who turned the tables on him. 😕 It’s not fair to the guy when you act one way and then pull a bait and switch. He’s been pretty up front with you and his behavior and his language both match up. He isn’t really into a relationship.

[quote]Is there a way I can win him over? [/quote]

You’ve already won him over, but what you want to do is change him. 😳 He wants to continue having sex with you and hooking up with you, but he’s telling you straight out not to fall for him because he’ll hurt you if you do. When a guy says that, it’s the exact opposite of his saying, “You’re so important to me, I will protect you from ever being hurt.” The sex isn’t love or commitment. It’s just sex — to him. You’ve mistaken it for more.

That said, you’re not alone. Many women try to leverage sex into romance and love and it rarely works.

My advice is to decide what you want, and then go for it. But you can’t have a single orange and expect to turn it into hot chocolate. Your orange is just going to give you orange juice. So if you have him, you can’t expect him to give you commitment and monogamy because that’s not who or what he is right now.

I hope that helps.

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