[aecarter]

I’ve been dating my guy for about 4 months, dating officially for 1 month. We have a great connection, he’s my best friend. I feel very comfortable with him, I can be myself, we have the same weird habits and lots of the same interests and passions. He was the first to say he loves me and he does treat me great – more than great. I really feel he could be the one for me. All in all things are great. He has 2 kids and I don’t have any. Two different mothers to his children, one of which I have met and quite like, the other lives far away and he has full custody of their child at this time. I love both the kids, they’re great. This other mother though, not so much. She calls and texts all hours of the day and night, and always while we are together (We live an hour away and only get so much time together, not to mention we usually have his children with us.) Whenever she contacts him, his mood immediately changes. He gets very cold and shut off. Even in to the next day, his mood is very different and very cold. I brought it up only once, which resulted in our first “fight” (he got really defensive and I honestly just wanted to know what the deal was.) I asked if he still had feelings for her because of his mood swings. He was very defensive in telling me that he hates her and she hurt him. Understandable, but they split over 4 years ago. I’m afraid I officially do not like this woman. She makes me very uncomfortable and she ruins all our good times. What am I to do? I feel so very lost in this situation, like I’m walking on eggshells, but only when it comes to her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like the problem is that the mother of one of his two children — the one who has zero custody of that child — is blowing up his phone and triggering his lingering bad moods that are affecting your relationship with him. The problem is bigger than his bad moods. You didn’t mention why the mother doesn’t see her child regularly, but it sounds like there is a lot of unresolved conflict in your boyfriend’s relationship with this woman and their child. Until there’s a better resolution, there will probably be more of the same of this relationship dynamic. If he chooses to use boundaries in his relationships, that may help, but this is his decision. As for you… my suggestion is to adopt an attitude of empathy. Don’t challenge him by asking “what the deal is”. You already know, and don’t like it. Instead, be Switzerland when it comes to his children and his relationships with their mothers. If you and he are going to make this work, then you have to find a way to support him in these conflicts and help him process what’s going on. And… you have to decide if you’re up for this. Dating a parent is very different than dating someone without kids — and in this case, you’ve got two different mothers of his children who will be in your life, to some degree, as long as you’re in his. Be honest with yourself because this is all part of dating a parent. It’s not for everyone, but if it is for you, recalibrate your sense of normal. 😉

Some tips: 1) You mentioned that when you see your boyfriend his children are usually with him. Not a great idea! If he can’t get a babysitter so he can date you, he’s not ready to date. 2) You mentioned that his split is 4 years old, so he should be over it. Because of the kids, he’s got contact with both mothers regularly. This makes overcoming breakup strife harder. 3) If one of his exes is ruining all your good times, and he is not able to use boundaries because this is their chosen dynamic, maybe you should reconsider the relationship. Just saying… 😕

[Sally]

It doesn’t sound like he’s still in love with her. It sounds more like she still has access to his nervous system. Hate, hurt, resentment… those can mess with someone way longer than love ever does. Especially when kids are involved and there’s no clean break.
But here’s the part you shouldn’t ignore. You’re already walking on eggshells after one month of officially dating. That matters. His defensiveness shut down a real question you were allowed to ask. You weren’t accusing. You were trying to understand.
You can’t control her, and you can’t compete with unresolved baggage. All you can do is be honest again, calmly, about how this affects you. If he can’t talk about it without closing off, that’s something to take seriously.

[Tara]

You’re ignoring a giant red warning label because the rest feels good.
This man is not emotionally clean. Period. A man who is truly done with an ex does not emotionally collapse every time she texts. He doesn’t shut down, go cold, and poison the next 24 hours of your relationship. That reaction isn’t hatred, it’s unresolved emotional entanglement. Hate that still controls you is just love with a bad attitude.

You’ve been “official” for one month, and you’re already walking on eggshells, self-editing, and managing his moods. That is not safe. That is training yourself to tolerate dysfunction early so it feels normal later. And trust me, it gets worse, not better.

The kids aren’t the issue. Co-parenting isn’t the issue. The issue is that he has no boundaries with this woman and no emotional regulation when she enters the picture. Instead of protecting the relationship he claims to value, he gets defensive and shuts you out. That tells you exactly where you rank when pressure shows up.
You asking if he still has feelings wasn’t wrong. His reaction wasn’t “hurt,” it was exposed. Defensive people defend what they’re not done with. If he were truly over her, the answer would have been calm, boring, and consistent, not a fight.

Right now, you are dating a man whose emotional weather is controlled by another woman. You can’t build a future on that. Love declarations at four months mean nothing if his nervous system still belongs to his past.

You stop pretending this is about her and look at him. Either he sets firm, visible boundaries with her and learns to emotionally compartmentalize like an adult or you walk. You do not compete with a ghost. You do not tolerate being collateral damage in someone else’s unfinished war.

[Member]

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