[Marie12]

I am in my later 40’s he early 50’s..we have been dating over a year. He recently asked me to move in with him. Here is my delimma., though he is sweet, loves to cook, funny and a wonderful boyfriend..I am feeling something I can’t describe. I am feeling insecure with him because he is too comfortable in this relationship so early into it. When we first started dating he text me, call me, and could not get enough of me. Now I text him and have to wait hours to hear from him, When I call him 90 percent of the time I get a voicemail. I have to ask him what our plans are for the evening, he sometimes needs what he calls “Quite time” where he can relax in front of the TV and not be bothered..etc..so he goes to his place. I often feel there is a level of secretacy about him that bothers me. He has admitted in his two relationships and “Younger Years” to having an affairs..a hard lesson to learn so he calls it and something of the past he would never revisit. Yet, I always see him looking at pretty woman..and I am pretty! The looking is so obvious I can predict it if I see a pretty woman walking our way its going to happen. I have addressed him about all of this and he gets very upset..he thinks I am not allowing him to love me and I am looking for something to be wrong..He has not attempted to fix any of my concerns. I want to know who he is when I am not looking so..forgive me., the opportunity was available with an open email to see whats up..so I looked and well I see that the first two weeks we dated when he claimed he was so happy to find me, he went to another state and saw another woman he met online..he was dishonest from the gate but my closest friend told me not to hold this against him perhaps he was not sure I would stick around and he was keeping his options open? Is it me insecure from being hurt in previous relationships or is it him up to something? I am supposed to be moving in with him soon and need help or advice how to feel more comfortable. He has been so honest sometimes its made my head spin….so would he hide any truth from me?

[Ziz]

From a guy’s perspective, don’t look too seriously into him looking at other women as long as it’s random – crossing paths in the street or at the mall, as opposed to him standing in one spot and purposely scoping out the area. I always think of it as “Just because I ordered my meal doesn’t mean I can’t read the menu.” For some guys, it gives them a basis for comparison, justifiying to themselves that they do have a beautiful girlfriend. For others, it’s the equivalent of going to a museum – appreciating beautiful images for what they are while they’re available for viewing.

As for the rest of it, one thing we guys hate is women who are “high maintenance” – if we have to put in too much effort to maintain the relationship, we get tired…literally.

Everything he says is true of the differences between the way men and women think.

Keep an eye on things, ask him what’s going on, but tread lightly. Don’t move in with him until you feel more sure of where things stand.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Clearly, you’re not ready to move in with him — at best. You have a lot of uncertainties about him, and it’s important for you to feel sure about someone before you move in with him. You mentioned that he cheated in “his two relationships”. Are these marriages? Did he have more than two relationships in his life? Were these significant, long term relationships? You also mentioned that he cheated in his “younger years”. Does this mean his 20s? 30s? And does it mean regularly? Once? Sometimes?

It sounds like you’re dating a man with a history of cheating. And now you suspect he’s cheating on you — but you’re not sure. I don’t think that the “evidence” you have, that he hooked up with an online date during the first two weeks he’d met you, is that serious because it’s understood that you’re both dating the field until you aren’t. Unless you feel he told you you’re the one during those first two weeks — when he was clearly hooking up with someone else who was also “the one”.

What I can tell you for sure is that you shouldn’t move in with him. Slow things down and give your instincts credence. Find out who he really is — and if he’s your Mr. Right or not.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Marie12]

Thank you. Well I can tell you that the email I saw to the other woman was the same night we supposendly had in his eyes “Something Special”., and two weeks into dating when we had already made plans to vacation seperately prior to our first date., he told me he was alone on his vacation and the email specifically read plans to meet with the other person., I did not see any correspondance after this one email. Also, I saw porn sites, “Hook-up” sites (sexual)..I did tell him I bumped into this part when I went to use his computer..he admitted that prior to me yes he used social and sex sites to hook up..but he hasn’t since his been with me. So the fact he used these sites and hes has the capability to do what he wants during the day because hes an outside salesman., I am very nervous by this type character I am seeing. The ONLY thing that is keeping me going here is how good he is to me., and his age..I’m thinking perhaps you get to an age where this crap stops? I don’t know? I am very confused..I don’t want to throw a good thing away if he is now mature and ready to slow down with just me and I am not sure if I need more evidence to do it. He cheated in a long term marriage and a long term relationship that never led to marriage. But he is with me almost everynight., I just don’t know what the day holds when Im not looking. I hate that I have discovered these things., but I must admit his honesty about them and his affairs of the past confuses me even more because if anything is in hiding why is he so honest about his behaviors of the past and what he did prior to me? He is not protective over his phone nor computer and I bumped into this stuff just attempting to check my own email and his was open. This coupled with his honesty of his past behavior and actions is the major contributing factor to my insecurity. I have met his family and friends and our relationship is out there and can’t be hidden thats for sure. If I turn back now on moving in with him after I said i would, it could very much hurt/damage our relationship., so I am going to stay at his place with my stuff in storage for a few months and see how I feel prior to making a long term commitment in a “together place” or long term lease. This was a change from my orginal plans with him to get a togehter place and a change i made within the past two weeks upon learning all of these things that have made me feel uncomfortable.

[Marie12]

I truly appreciate the advice and the Man’s prospective is great too..The roving eye does not bother me too much its just in addition to the other things that adds too suspicion. I am not high maintainece. I DO NOT believe in busting a man’s balls and looking for trouble for pleasure or pain.. I love this man so much and trusted him so much until these little issues started to creep up one by one and start to infect our relationship. As you can see, this is not my first rodeo and in the past, I ignored red flags and accepted people as is..I can’t afford another heartache and I am only trying to understand the truth here. Thank you and please keep the advice coming..the more advice the better!!! Would like a man in his 50’s to post his thoughts so I can get a good prespective of what I am dealing with.
For the record..I absolutely agree never comfront your partner unless you have rock solid proof..I guess thats why I am asking advice on this site, I am internalizing lol 🙄

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The time you should have really decided if his cheating in a marriage and a long term relationship, and in his “younger years” was a deal breaker, was when you first found out about his history of cheating. That he is honest about his dishonesty isn’t enough to make me think he’s turned over a new leaf.

Looking at pretty women on the street isn’t really the issue here. Nor is the fact that he’s a nice guy. In fact those are distraction from the real problem which is infidelity. When someone has a history of a certain type of behavior, changes suggest he may have moved away from that behavior. If you don’t see the changes, there is a good chance you’re going to see more of the same. Bad behavior, like good behavior, doesn’t quit happening because someone has a 50th, 60th or 70th birthday.

I wish you good luck, and the strength to be honest with yourself about the big picture. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link:[url][/url]. 😀

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