[serenalyssa]

My boyfriend and I were together for 10 months, he is 21 and I am 18. I started dating him in my first couple months at college, when he was a senior. He was more serious than I was in the beginning, just because he was finishing up his college career and was looking for that right girl to get into a relationship with. It is the first relationship for the both of us, and my first kiss, etc. But even though, in the beginning I was not as serious just because I was new to college and everything was hitting me at once: the attention, guys hitting on me, and of course being in such a serious relationship. Around the time we had been together for 2months, there was another guy who started talking to me BUT he was always a jerk to me and we talked as friends. We would go to the gym together and studied once together but that’s it. I was never under the impression that he liked me; I never liked him, I only ever liked my boyfriend. On top of that, my boyfriend and this guy were friends so I didn’t think that he was trying to make a move on me. However one night, this guy, me, and one of my best friends ended up together when a bunch of our friends got into a college frat party and we didn’t. We three decided to go back to my room and drink more alcohol and hang out. We decided we wanted to go on campus, this was at about 3 am, but my best friend backed out so it ended being me and the guy. We were just wandering around campus aimlessly for 2 hours but when we decided we wanted to go back to our rooms, I realized I didn’t have my room key and ended up having to go back to his room. He did have an empty bed open, but the next morning I realized that I had slept in his bed with him. But we had no physical contact and had done nothing sexual. I didn’t cheat and I did not kiss him, etc. I called my boyfriend that morning and told him everything that happened that night but I lied and said I slept in an empty bed instead of saying the truth since I was scared. My boyfriend and I fought about that for a couple days but we got over it. However I continued hanging out with the other guy since I still thought it was purely a friendship and we would go to the gym together sometimes. A month and a half after the whole night had happened, this guy told me that he liked me and I said “what do you want me to do, I have a boyfriend! and you are his friend and you know that”. After that I completely ignored him and erased him from my life. A couple weeks later, he started saying rumors about me saying that I liked him and I did stuff with him that night but my boyfriend didn’t believe them and stuck up for me since they were all untrue. That drama stopped and my boyfriend and I became a lot closer over the next couple of months. Since the whole drama with the other boy, I became a lot more serious about my boyfriend and we rarely fought. Our relationship was doing really well until last Friday night when that guy came up to my boyfriend when both were drunk, and started telling him that we slept in the same bed that night, that he fingered me, and that I was leading him on the whole time. My boyfriend and I got into a HUGE fight that night because I admitted to sleeping in the same bed, but I told him the other two claims were lies, since they were. He said we were over and he didn’t talk to me the whole weekend. On Tuesday we talked to clear things up. He wanted me to explain why I did that and why I kept hanging out with this guy after we had slept in the same bed and then why I hid it from him for 7 months. I told him I made a mistake and even though nothing happened, it was wrong. I also told him that I wasn’t hiding it from him..it was more that I forgot about it and put it in my past when I stopped talking to that guy altogether. At the moment, my boyfriend says we are over and we are not having any communication. He says that it is not right to get back into a relationship right now because he will not look at me the same and will hold that lie over me. He says he wants to try and get past what happened before he can think of any future possibility for us. I know that this is the right thing to do, but I am so unsure as to what the future holds. He gave me mixed signals saying that he didn’t want his stuff back yet and have faith but at the same time he says I’m not going to give you false hope and you need to look at this as a breakup. How should I act right now? I know there is nothing I can do/say more to him that I already haven’t and at this point it is up to him whether he can get past this or not. But I don’t know whether to think everyday that we will get back together in the future and do myself for awhile OR just think it’s over and try and cope with a true breakup. Please help…

[honeybee02]

If you love him and want the relationship to prosper, I would keep trying.

If you back off, that might show him that this “breakup” is what you want. Further, he might feel as if you’re not fighting for him and putting in effort to win him back. Think about if the roles were reversed… wouldn’t you want him to be trying to win you back, even if you were unsure about it?

It seems to me as if he still wants to be with you and cares about you (hence the not giving the things back, have faith, etc.), but at the same time he wants and needs to show you that what you did was wrong and unacceptable. It seems like a problem that will be worked through in time.

Let him know that you’re sorry, admit that you made a mistake, and express to him that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get him back (if that’s the truth). Don’t smother him, call him excessively, beg him night and day, things like that. He needs to see that you will stick by his side unfalteringly through think and thin. That’s what you need to show him right now. Be a strong woman about the situation and he will come through.

Guys are insecure too… I think he’s looking for reassurance.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

There are two problems here. The first is that it’s very difficult to be friends with a guy. One person always wants more than the other one. My recommendation for the future is not to friend guys. If you want to date them, then act like you want to date them, but don’t become their buddies. As you can see, it creates all kinds of conflicts.

The second problem is that you lied to your boyfriend. You didn’t tell him that you slept in the same bed as your guy friend because you knew it would upset him. You were right. But he found out from someone else and then you had to admit that you’d lied to him. Your excuse that you forgot to tell him doesn’t hold water, and it doesn’t make you sound like a very honest person. 😕 Now, your boyfriend has to decide if he’s going to trust you again — and you’re going to have to decide if you have the courage to tell the truth even when it’s going to put you out of favor with someone you love. 😳

I think your boyfriend is going to try and let go of his feeling of betrayal, but I’m not sure he’s going to be able to. Until you know more about his feelings, consider the break up to be real, and try being single without connecting with anyone else right now. Focus on school, friends and having a good time — and being a good person. Consider all the times in the day when you do or don’t tell the truth and try to become more conscious of truth telling! 😉

I hope this helps. I know this is a difficult time for you. Let me know how things go — and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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