[racergirl95]

I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months and living with him for a little over a year. A little background…we have known each other for almost 9 years, but never even thought about dating until December 2011. At that time we were both single, decided to hang out and ended up dating. Everything was awesome, we like the same things…have the same sense of humor and really had fun together. Over the last 16 months many things have happened, we lost everything we had in a housefire, my ex became a stalker and we had to deal with that, his ex tried to keep his kids from him…it was rough.

In November he told me that he wasnt sure he wanted to be in a relationship and that I loved him more than he loved me. Further he wanted us to take a break so he could figure shit out. Well the next morning he told me not to leave and that we would figure it out, things were ok for awhile, but now he is soooo distant. He wont hold my hand, sit by me and rarely are we intimate, but he kisses me every morning and every night and tells me he loves me. Also if he is drinking hes the guy he used to be. Im at a loss as to what to do, I want a future with him…I love him, love his kids and his family. Am I just kidding myself?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I wouldn’t say you’re kidding yourself — because you’re being very candid in your description, and you’re not sugar coating things — but you’re disappointed. You’re hoping that I’m going to pull a rabbit out of a hat and tell you something you didn’t realize. 😳 I’m not a magician, sadly, but I can tell you what you may not want to see.

You and your boyfriend have endured great stress. The house fire and having lost everything is terrible. But that’s over, and you can recover from it with a good plan, some endurance and focus. Your ex stalking you can also be ended with some solid boundaries on your part, and at worst, a restraining order. But his ex dangling a custody battle in front of him and using the kids as pawns is a lot more ominous. That is a problem that is ongoing, and he will need a lot of strength to deal with that. He may realize that being single is going to make his life easier in that regard, and he’s depressed because he knows, deep down, that any woman he’s with is going to create an issue for him with his kids if his ex finds out about his feelings for the new woman. In fact, even if he doesn’t have anyone in his life, she may still make this a problem for him. And if he’s just figuring this out, it can be depressing. The way people deal with problems and depression runs the gamut. If he’s drinking, that sounds like it’s a self-destructive problem — and a way to anesthetize himself so he doesn’t have to face reality. It doesn’t usually work for too long…. and if he’s got addiction tendencies, this is a separate and serious problem.

So, what does this mean for you? If he wants a break, then you should step away from the relationship. The reasons he has are strong ones. But — you can’t be whiplashed back and forth by his indecision. You have to make a clean break, and a break is a break-up. It’s not in your best interest to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, and it isn’t in your best interest to be with someone who wants to be with you, until he doesn’t, and then until he does, and then until he doesn’t.

I think you need to honor the break up, and if in six months, you’re single, and he’s single and interested, and he wants to ask you out again, you can reconsider the problems that led to the break up. But for now, I think you have to go your separate ways. Loving him is one thing, but being compatible enough to make a health relationship between the two of you work, is what this hinges on.

Hope that helps!

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[racergirl95]

Thank you for your advice. He hasnt mentioned taking a break since November, its his actions that make me wonder if there is any future…. He is so distant and standoffish now, almost like he is trying to seperate himself from me before something happens and I leave. I know that with his ex, she kicked him out with no warning and completely blindsided him. Like I said we were good friends for years before we started dating so there isnt much I dont know about him. I just wish I could get him to see Im NOT her and I would never hurt someone like that.

The other issue is that I have no idea where to start if I moved out. I moved here with just what fit in my car, so everything we own we bought together. Together we barely make enough to cover the bills and I know neither of us could afford to have our own seperate place. Its like a bad nightmare come to life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, let me help you get a grip. This is not a bad nightmare because a) neither one of you have cancer, b) you’re both young and able and c) the house fire destroyed your STUFF — not your spirit or your bodies. This is a relationship crossroads — and while it’s important to make good decisions and learn enough from your behavior to CONTINUE to make good decisions, you can’t paralyze yourself with thoughts of things that haven’t yet happened. 😀

So, regrouping: It really does sound like your instincts are correct — he’s winding down for a break up and isn’t going to do it gracefully. People break up with the tools that they have, and they don’t always do it the way you would. But your instincts are good, and you do recognize what’s going on. I’m not sure how old you are, but it sounds like you want marriage and children, and while he may have once seemed like he was the man who wanted the same thing, it doesn’t appear that that’s what’s going on any more. 😳 And while that’s sad, and you want him to think and feel things other than he does, you have to be realistic. If he’s not healed from his last break up (or divorce, I’m not sure which it was), and isn’t ready to move on, then it’s best for you to do so. It’s important to find a guy who wants the same thing you do, when you do, so you don’t waste your time. 😉 Some men are ready to move on and replace the woman in their lives that they lost or left, but some aren’t, and if and when they are is something you have to gauge.

As for breaking up, you’ll have to downsize, from what you’ve written, and you may have only your car you drove in with to leave with — but that shouldn’t stop you. See if there’s a way you can either split the items you bought together with him (don’t fight over a rug or a desk — it’s not worth it), or ask him to buy you out of your half of the things you purchased together, which will give you a little money to start out again with. Try not to use the things you’re splitting as fodder for fighting. Again, it’s just stuff…. As for where to move: Think roommates, and a temporary living situation, until you regroup and get back on your feet and can live the way you want to live. 😉

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