[Anonymous]

I am 25 years old I have been with my bf now , ( whom is 32) for almost a year in which in this time we have had a very platonic relationship due to an ongoing issue between us with trust.. Early on in the relationship my partner worked in FIFO mines so it was not a normal or easy relationship to start off with and he had already planned and payed for a trip around the world with a friend of his so we were both jumping in head first quite early considering the circumstances. However we decided to commit to each other and a month before he was to leave I moved to his place in his family’s home met all his family and friends before he left. It was great, we really loved each other until his ex gf came into the picture. He had recently rekindled a very close relationship with her, as they used to date when they were 16 and she cheated on him and only in last few months before meeting me had they gotten back in contact. He suffers from anxiety and depression, as does she, so they had a lot in common and could relate to each other.
However, there relationship was very intense. The way in which they communicate was texts message and emails saying I love, cant tait to see you, xx 00. Which is fine, as some people have those types of relationship but my suspicion and gut instinct started flaring, as I felt there was more to this? It got weirder for me as I was told more by my bf describing how good of friends they are as they share beds when he came off the mines sites and stay in his hotel and cuddle.
I mentioned this made me uncomfortable especially after I read his phone seeing the way the spoke to each other so he arranged to have us all meet the night before he left for his round the world trip. The moment came to that night and she pulled out causing a fuss saying she didn’t want to come out, as she didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable, which confused me and made me upset, as why would a good friend of his make me uncomfortable, then later that evening, he then said he was going to go see her on his own as she must of had a fight with her bf , I got more upset as he was leaving me on our last night together to go see this person. He then called her and she said she doesn’t want to come see him as she doesn’t like him having a gf as hell give her less time. I hit the roof and broke it off with him as it wasn’t fair, there is obviously more to this relationship then just friendship if one is threatened by the other having a partner. He then got angry at me and we had a big fight, he left me outside the hotel with my bags with no money to go out and drink with his guy mates.
I flew back home to nz then talked to him the next day, there was no apology from him to me just me to him, he was saying to forget everything and it was nothing, I was so upset and heartbroken but wanted to keep it together with him.
I said we would be fine if he cools it with this girl, as it’s not fair on me, as its showing me she still has feelings for you by her actions that night in Sydney, so you need to do something about it and he said he would. A few weeks later he flew me over to London to finish the trip with him and I read some of his emails and he was still contacting her just the same as before. He had ignored what I had asked him to-do. When I asked him if they had been in contact he said only to invite her to his cousin bday party, which was a lie, so he was now lying to me about her which really hurt me as it wasn’t necessary. If what he was doing was harmless and o.k. why is there any need to lie? I told him I had seen the emails and all hell broke loose. We then tried couples counselling with a counsellor which was actually his ex gfs counsellor as well. This woman told my bf it was time to end the relationship with her.
He stopped talking to her for while to show me I was more important, AS I mentioned we had a counselling session but it didn’t go well as it was only an hour and not much can really abate from that. After returning from Europe he got back in touch with her as she was going to be coming to his cousin bday. I was still hurt and angry that this person was still involved in his life and our relationship. The problems just never seemed to stop with her in the equation. He broke it off with me, as he said he just didn’t want to do this anymore and I left his place to stay with a friend. He contacted me the next day wanting to try again, I had explained in an email my concerns and hurt, that I feel he is still in love with his ex by his actions and it’s not fair on anyone to be in a relationship where their partner gives so much time and attention to someone else, especially an ex gf, as it makes you feel second best and that’s not love. He then emailed her and forwarded it to me telling her how the way they communicate has to stop and that when she chose not to come meet me that night it caused massive dramas, as someone who doesn’t want to meet his gf would be assumed to have romantic feelings for him, as she doesn’t like seeing him with someone else. She replied and explained saying she didn’t come because she didn’t want to spend her last night with him with someone she didn’t know but to me this is not good enough and far to expecting of just a “friend “, Her actions seem like behaviour you would expect from a gf and sadly those actions were accepted and not even questioned at the time by my bf which made me feel he still had feelings for her. If this girl has pouty fits with my bf because he spends his time with ME, before he leaves for overseas and he lets her that leads her to believe she is also like a girlfriend and can do that. If she had just wanted to be friends with him she would have befriended and respected me as his new gf as well. This girl doesn’t even live near him. She lives on the other side of the country.

This has caused me massive amounts of grief as his actions would leave you to think that my bf still in love with this girl. He seems to let her get away with alot and their relationship is just too much for just friendship. It is complicated as she tried to kill herself when she was younger and was abused by her father, she is pretty messed up and my bf tried to take care of her I think but I am struggling to let go of everything that’s happened and simply am struggling to move on, as a part of me feels that there is more to it and it hurts as I love him with all my heart but I don’t want give my love to someone who might very well be in love with his ex still. He says he’s not but actions continue to show that there is something more to it. He is now back in contact with her as well, which makes me wonder what his intentions are with me as its quite clear that with her in the picture, me and him could never really move forward. And by him actively getting back in touch with her is that his choice already made up of what he wants?

What do I do from here?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You break up with him, walk away, and don’t look back — that’s what you do!

Then, you buy the book I wrote for women who want to find, date and KEEP Mr. Right and READ IT!! It’s called Think & Date Like A Man, and you can get it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

Clearly, you need a neon sign, since your boyfriend has given you every indication that he’s still involved with his ex-girlfriend and doesn’t treat you like he wants you to be an important part of his life. You admit to jumping the gun in this relationship — now it’s time to accept responsibility for not getting to know him better and for ignoring the yellow and flashing red lights.

I hope that helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

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