[Anonymous]

I have been dating a wonderful guy for about 2 years now. We have always been a great couple, with the usual couple fights here and there. I was cheated on really bad in my last relationship so my guy has always been really good with my trust issues. He will leave his email, facebook, phone, etc, up around me. He has never given any signs he is hiding anything. However, the other day I found out (through his computer) that he has a little secret. He had made up a fake facebook page and email and pretends to be a girl and talks dirty with other men online. It’s not often but I did notice he logged on probably once every 2 weeks. After going back farther, I noticed that this has been going on since 2005. Is this cheating? I confronted him about it and he denied all of it. He will not admit anything!! I love this guy and he has never given me any reason to not trust him until now. I have never noticed anything regarding him with other men or signs he might be attracted to men. A little background information also….When he was a freshman in college (about 5 yrs ago) he confided in me that one night while drunk he woke up and a guy was giving him oral, he freaked out and left. He said it took him years to get over and he wanted me to know. Of course, not knowing much about it, I asked if he was gay or bisexual and he told me NO!! Of course not. My guy has always been very sexual, we have what I think is above average sexlife as well as sex drive and he has got some kink to him. But is this normal for him to pretend to be a girl to talk to guys? Also, I know he was melosted as a child for a couple years. Could this have something to do with this behavior? Im so confused on what to do. I don’t know if I should leave because of what he is doing AND he is lying or if I should just let it go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you’re looking for a simple label for your boyfriend’s behavior so you can make sense of it, but this isn’t a simple problem. I’m not a physician and it sounds like your boyfriend needs one because he has some deep-seated trauma that centers around sexual abuse that is unresolved and showing up in this aberrant behavior that he is ashamed and in denial about. 🙁

My guess is that he wants help, and that’s why he has left his computer up and open for you to find out his secret — but his denial is a result of the very deep shame he feels about everything leading up to this behavior. Don’t accept his denial and pretend this isn’t happening — because that will just protract the problem. Insist that he get help from a trained professional in sexual abuse and the long term affects.

I hope that helps. See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook: [url][/url].

[Member]

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