[replay25]

I recently moved to another country to pursue my PhD in my field. I was in a relationship of 4 years at the time. When I came here I fell in love with a female colleague. She knew about my relationship and we proceeded in having a secret relationship of our own. This was two months before Christmas. On Christmas I went to visit my girlfriend. The expectations were that I would break up and come back to my new love. I was very guilty and I couldn’t do it. When I came back I told my colleague that I could not do it and I needed some time. She burst into tears and we had a breakdown. We communicated from now and then, still showing interest, but nothing happened.

After about a month I finally did break up, I told her and she seemed happy. We spent a few days together more or less happy and getting close again. We did not have sex again but we did sleep together, took baths together etc… She seemed distant and I asked her about it. She told me that she was still angry at me and didn’t know what to do with this new situation. She told me that she did not expect I would break up. After a few days of more or less drifting apart I asked her again. She said she doesn’t know how she feels, that she still likes me but it’s hard for her to let me in again. She also mentioned that she thinks I need time for my breakup. I have a feeling that her friends told her to hold back until she is sure I’ve broken up for good. The same night she told me those things she sent me that song and said that this is what she listens to all the time now [url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-3BI9AspYc%5B/url%5D

This feels really bad because the time we spent as a couple was the most amazing time, we had so much in common and we really clicked. She even said the L word. Should I ignore her for a while and give her space to miss me ? Or is she waiting for a big romantic gesture ? She is a very independent woman (being Dutch) so I feel I should not put any pressure on her. Because we are in the same study program we will be moving almost at the same time to another country for about 6 months and maybe more. So she will be in my life more or less.

I really love her and I know we would be very happy together, I don’t want to give up on her, even if it means something might happen in the future. I am happy just to see her smile even if I am not the one that makes it happen although I miss her terribly…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since she’s very independent, the big gesture may not work — but time is always a good away to know if something will work out or not. It’s not great if you’re anxious or impatient, but if you can try to understand why she feels the way she does, and also have faith that what is supposed to happen, will, you’ll have an easier time of it. I can help you try to understand that she underestimated the quality of the four year relationship you had with your girlfriend, when she started dating you. That’s no one’s fault. When you didn’t break up with the girlfriend over the holidays, she had to reevaluate what she had with you. She is probably second guessing the L word and the time the two of you spent together, and is wondering if out of sight out of mind was more what was going on than something long-lasting. Keep the channels of communication open, and be romantic and genuine. But this is one she’s going to have to figure out on her own, with time.

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[replay25]

Thank you for the answer. The thing is that since our talk about when she told me that she doesn’t know how she feels we haven’t been in contact. That was two days ago. Today I couldn’t hold it and I sent a simple “I miss you…”. She hasn’t seen it yet so I really don’t know if she will even reply.

Should I continue messaging her in a casual way ? Asking how she is and stuff like that ? Or should I also say that I miss her and want her in my life ? It may sound pushy in a way right ?

The thing is, how long should I wait before trying to make things happen again ? Should I wait for her to initiate a more intimate contact ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I would play it by ear. If she responds to your message, then she’ll have cracked the door open for you to move forward a little. If she doesn’t, I’d wait a week or so before contacting her again.

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[replay25]

So here is the thing. I saw her in a party and we talked normally. Even talked about a plan we had before to go away for a weekend. I asked about it and if it’s still a plan and she said maybe… Then her friend started talking to me and tried to hook me up with this girl and of course I said no I am interested in her other friend only. So after I got to say goodbye her friend told me to hang on and she is on my team and that she (my girl to be) needs to know that I am for real because I took too much time to break up.

But what I don’t understand is why she is still ignoring me. I mean if I was hurt by someone I would still want to be with them and have contact if I had plans for the future with them. Of course this might be a guy way of thinking…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The reason she’s ignoring you is that she doesn’t want your attention right now. That’s the long and the short of it. 😉 I know that’s not what you want and it’s not what you would do, yourself, if you were in her shoes, but you’re different people, and her reaction is hers. Instead of trying to impose your own values onto her, my advice is to be open minded when you’re trying to figure out why she’s doing something — whatever it is — and then decide what you are going to do next, so you don’t get stuck in relationship mud. 🙂

Hope that helps!

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[replay25]

So should I be casual and ask how she doing once in a while or even avoid that? What about what her friend told me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is the advice I gave you last week:

[quote]I would play it by ear. If she responds to your message, then she’ll have cracked the door open for you to move forward a little. If she doesn’t, I’d wait a week or so before contacting her again. [/quote]

And it’s always a good idea to ignore gossip. 😉

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[replay25]

It wasn’t gossip. It was what her friend told me after I saw them chat for a while…

So are you saying there is no hope for this ? Or might be and I only need to give it time to see what happens?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]It wasn’t gossip. It was what her friend told me after I saw them chat for a while…[/quote]

That’s gossip. 😉 Anytime you’re talking to someone about someone else’s feelings or what someone else said, it’s gossip. I always suggest avoiding it. It’s confusing, often inaccurate, and not a good practice.

[quote]So are you saying there is no hope for this ? Or might be and I only need to give it time to see what happens?[/quote]

I’m going to give you the same advice I gave you the last two times. 😉 😉 I think it’s still good.

[quote]This is the advice I gave you last week:

I would play it by ear. If she responds to your message, then she’ll have cracked the door open for you to move forward a little. If she doesn’t, I’d wait a week or so before contacting her again.[/quote]

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[replay25]

I asked her for a small meeting to chat and she accepted. I confronted her about her roomates’ putting thoughts in her head and she accepted this. Also that she put some thoughts in her own head about it after our last weekend together.

She says she can’t trust me now and she is not willing to try because she doesn’t want to get her heart broken twice by me and that I also moved too fast after I broke up and we spend some days together. I told her that I will stop chasing her and if we are meant to be together we have time. She kept saying that she doesn’t want anything NOW. I was listening carefully for this word and she was always talking about now… Anyway she finally said that we should try and remain professionals in our work but not friends right now because it will be awkward to be around each other.

Told her that I really love her and I would never break her heart again, and she said that I am saying big words…

So is time my friend here ? And what can I do to really make her pain go away and start trusting me again ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Time is [i]always[/i] your friend — if you use it well and stay open minded — but that doesn’t mean that things will work out the way you want them to. 😉

I think you should back off and give her the space she’s asked for.

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[replay25]

So yesterday I had no contact with her. I just run into her at work and we just said hi. And after a while she sent me an email. She told me that she is concerned about me and about what this situation might do to my work and told me I should speak with someone in our school, we have an adviser to help us with any problems.

So is she still trying to keep contact with me in some way ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]So is she still trying to keep contact with me in some way ?[/quote]

Well…. yes, she sent you an e-mail. That’s contact. 😉 But it’s not the kind of contact you’re looking for. She’s trying to alleviate her guilt because she knows you’re hurt by her moving on. It would be better for you to stay busy and not count on reuniting with her. That way, if a reunion does happen, you can be happy, but if it doesn’t, you can move on more gracefully.

I hope that helps!

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[replay25]

So after about 4 weeks without any contact she sent me an email out of the blue. Asking how is life going. I did not answer and the next day I went by her office and said hi and asked how her trip was. She was smiley and we chit-chatted a little. I did not drag it or said anything personal so I left after a while…

Is is opening the door just a little ? Should I still keep my distance as to not seem pushy ?

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