[April Masini, your AskApril]

She is opening the door a little. Don’t come on too strong, but definitely test the waters. 😉 Ask her if she’d like to have coffee, so you can tell if this is just social polite social interaction between the two of you, or if she’s ready to pursue the relationship again. Having coffee or lunch is a good first step after all that’s happened. 😀

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[replay25]

I was actually thinking of not pursuing anything right now. Maybe she was just trying to be polite or get rid of any guilt she might have had. I think I should just keep my distance and see if she will try and contact me again…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck! 😀 If you have any questions, you’re welcome to ask me.

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[replay25]

so you think keeping my distance would still be good ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]She is opening the door a little. Don’t come on too strong, but definitely test the waters. 😉 Ask her if she’d like to have coffee, so you can tell if this is just social polite social interaction between the two of you, or if she’s ready to pursue the relationship again. Having coffee or lunch is a good first step after all that’s happened. 😀 [/quote]

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[replay25]

So we had some contact a couple of times, mostly in the office. We had fun, chatted about a lot of stuff, laughed and joked. But I did not talk about us…

So I invited her to dinner with some more friends because I was going away, and she came. We flirted some, there was also a lot of playful physical contact but nothing overtly sexual, she was touching my leg under the table a couple of times. At some point when we were alone she asked how I was, I said fine and she responded the same but with a sad look in her eyes, also telling me that her phone is not as active as before (meaning we are not chatting anymore…). We said our goodbyes with a long deep hug, I tried kissing her but she refused so I let it pass like that.

I’ve been gone for about 5 days and yesterday she texted me asking how I was. I think she is warming up to me a little but still maybe it’s too early to say anything for sure. I will see her again next month when she will also move here where I am. This seems like it’s not a hopeless cause still. How do you think I should proceed ? I think I should just be casual and don’t try forcing things…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The fact that she wouldn’t kiss you at the end of the group dinner, isn’t a good sign. The long hug could be the let’s be friends hug-off. Next time you invite her to do something, make it a date. If she’s not willing to date you, then my advice is to play the field and consider moving on. But if you’re willing to stay in this limbo zone, pick a time frame for yourself, after which you can simply decide that she’s not coming back, and cut ties and move on. Sometimes it takes your moving on for a woman to realize that she really wants you back or not, while staying available doesn’t.

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[replay25]

So I have some interesting updates…

First of all she makes contact a lot more now. Mostly it’s her initiating. I am not pressuring or anything, keeping it friendly and light each time.

I send her a picture from a place I was visiting and told her we should go together. She said it was nice and asked me who I was with…

Then she offered to let me sleep at her place because I will be where she is for about a week for some seminars. And then she will be moving where I am and she asked me if I would like to travel together…

All in all I think she wants me in her life, be it romantic or not this remains to be seen… I believe I should not pressure things, and if there is any attractions-feelings left they will eventually show up. Do you agree ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like things are going well. 🙂

But what you want to avoid is sliding into a friend zone. I know you’re nervous about pushing her away by coming on too strong after all that’s happened, but I do think you should ask her out on a dinner date. There doesn’t have to be sex, and you don’t have to pick up where you left off, but you do have to establish that you’re not interested in being friends — just dating and being in a monogamous relationship with her, again. By setting the tone with a dinner date that is special, I think you can do that.

Hope that helps!

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[replay25]

But we will surely go out or on daily trips just the two of us. Would we also have to “name” it as a date ? As long as there is some sort of sexual tension I think definition are not as important, at least not right away…

I know all about the friend-zone, but I think that people who have been ex-lovers and have broken up suddenly because of too strong feelings are in less danger to end up there… Of course being in limbo indefinitely would not help at all… 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes. Ask her out on a date. 😉 Limbo is what you want to avoid, and this is how you do so. 😀 Don’t just “name” things. Actually do them. 😉 Make the dates romantic and meaningful so they can’t be confused with things you do with a friend.

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[replay25]

So I never asked her on a date, but one meeting turned out to be date like, walking to her home cuddling and being very close…
After that we traveled together, then she was kissing me, telling me she missed me and everything was really nice.
When we got back we spend one evening together watching a movie, then while walking her home, holding hands, she told me that she doesn’t want to rush this because she is not sure yet, to which i just responded with a smile not wanting to pressure her.

We see each other almost daily and she is really flirty and doesn’t object to physical contact. I think I should just be cool and not pressure anything, she will decide herself what she wants. Having a “talk” about this stuff is most of the time counter-productive as it puts pressure on things. Just continue having a fun time together and rebuilt all the lost trust I guess. Is this the right way of approaching this you think ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Is this the right way of approaching this you think ?[/quote]

No. I think you should ask her out on a date. 😉 It will avoid your sliding into the friend zone!

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[replay25]

So here is a long update…

We were back together for about a month…

We had a great time, but two times she was really upset and crying over the past, confessing that she is still scared and is afraid that she is making a mistake. But I calmed her and she said she really wants to try and make this work and also get back what we had before christmas because back then as she said I was the love of her life, she just needs time to feel this way again… She also told me that her family does not like me because I broker her heart back then…

Anyway… No she has been gone for a couple of days on a work thing back to her place and things were strange. She was distant. So I asked her about it and she told me that she just does not miss me (two days gone…). Also she had a talk with her mother who told her that our relationship will not work out, and she said she agrees with her. She said that our differences that are now cute will be a problem in the future.

And also she said that she feels it is unfair for me because I really take care of her and I spoil her and do things for her most of which she wouldn’t do for me (but she does without acknowledging…). So the problem here is that I have more feelings than she does.

What I told her was that I could dial it down and I was only so caring because I wanted to reassure her about her being the only one I care about. We decided to discuss this when she gets back…

Is there any hope here ? Should I just be casual and less attentive and see where it goes ? Or should I just step back and let her miss me? This is the second time she does that to me… She also admitted that she is again afraid of her heart being broken… So do I persist and make her feel safe ? Or is this validating her bad behavior towards me and this cycle will never end unless I step back and make her really miss me ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t just about making her miss you. This is about her regaining trust for you after a betrayal. This kind of thing is tough when relationships are in town, and tougher when they’re out of town and long distance. Because the betrayal came after four years of dating, it is especially difficult. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can, but it’s going to take both of you to make this work — not just you. She’s trying, but she isn’t at the same place you are. I think you’re frustrated because you want her to be over the betrayal and back in your arms (literally and figuratively), again — now. She isn’t.

If you read the 3 pages of posts between you and I, I think you’ll see that she hasn’t really given you the green light or the go-ahead — in fact, it seems like this is a slow let down, and she’s moving on in her own way, albeit slowly. I think at this point, it would be wise for you to do the same.

In effect, this has the result as allowing her to miss you — if the two of you break up and move on, and she’s changed her mind, she can always come back to you, but I think that this relationship is winding down and ending. 😳

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