[aliasbk]

I’ve been dating this girl (she’s 29, I’m 30) for about six months now and everything has been going absolutely great. About a week ago we got into an argument, our first, at work and i yelled at her a little bit. the whole thing lasted about 20 seconds. We work directly together 3-4 days a week btw. At the end of the day when i saw her again I apologized for what happened and explained that i was just angry at other things and she unfortunately got the brunt of it. She said its ok, i just need to deal with it. I really hurt her feelings, she said she never thought I’d argue with her like that. She sent me a text later and told me how much she cares about me, loves me and knows i feel the same. She said she new i was upset and wasn’t trying to be mean to her. She was in an abusive relationship about 6-8 months before we started seeing each other. So its been about at year since she’s been with him. I assume it hurt her even more due to the issues she had before. Anyway she said she needed a couple of days, so i gave it to her. I asked her how she was and stuff after that, she then sent me a text saying she couldn’t be in a relationship with me right now, she was having a hard time. Hearing this absolutely crushed me. again she gave the whole i love you and miss you along with that. The next week at work everything was normal. she was acting like nothing happened, nothing was wrong, and talked and acted like she did prior to the fight. i want to give her a little space and time to decompress, but i want to know what the chances are. Not knowing anything is killing me and i don’t want to push the matter to much. i don’t want to push her away if she is coming back. It hurts thinking everything is OK with her and she doesn’t care, it hurts that she said she cared for me so much over the past 6 months then threw it away over one bump in the road. Any advice as to what i can do, say, not do? Anything will be helpful. Is there a chance? Thanks for listening

[Ask April Masini]

Try wooing her back. Send her flowers. A box of chocolates. Some music that you know she likes. She needs some encouragement to come back if she’s going to do so. 😉 If you do get her to come back, the two of you need to explore the options for what happens when you get angry. Everybody brings different backgrounds to relationships. Some of us don’t flinch when dishes fly during an argument, while others are ready to call the police at the first sign of a snarly scowl — because of our experience with anger and discord.

Find out how you can express anger (because it’s a normal part of all of our lives at some point), without watching her head for the hills! Ask her what would work for her — and what won’t. From what you described, your outburst didn’t seem traumatic, but it’s fair to find out how it affected her, and what she’s willing to endure, as well as what she’s not.

Learning to fight in a relationship is important. It’s a skill. If you need mutually agreed upon ground rules and perimeters, then find them — and agree to change them as the relationship progresses and there is more knowledge of each other, yourselves, and trust.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter as well as on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[aliasbk]

Thanks for the reply April.
I sent her flowers a couple of days after it happened that didn’t seem to go over well. It went from i need some time to deal to i cant see you right now when i sent them. It kinda scared me off from wanting to do anything else. I’m worried about calling her or asking her to sit down to talk. I don’t want it to make things worse by asking. At the moment i only get to see her at work and only get a few minutes here and there to talk with her 1:1. The last time i spoke to her prior to seeing her at work (were everything seemed normal) she said there was a chance but we may have to start over. Which im ok with. its something. I really want to sit with her and lay it all out but i get the feeling it may not be a good idea. As for work I just dont feel like i can act the way i used to even before we dated without seeming too needy or constantly trying to smooth things over, ya know, pushy. Thank you for the advice on figuring out how to deal with our anger and what does/doesn’t work, i think that will be really important moving forward. Hopefully i get that chance.

[Ask April Masini]

A blow up is not just a way to see how the more vocal person reacts — it’s also a way to see how the less vocal one reacts, too. While you may have blown up and gotten over it, her inability to process a partner’s anger, may be a relationship blocker. Every relationship has fights and stressors. It’s important to find a way to handle conflict in a relationship. If she is unable to, there is no room for a future.

Her idea that you “start over” is pretty immature. The blow up happened, and it’s an opportunity to get to know each other and to allow the relationship to grow. Whenever the two of you hit “new beats” in a relationship, it’s an opportunity to see how you react separately, as a unit and how you creatively evolve. Intimacy is built by processing these events in a relationship. If she’s not willing to have uncomfortable feelings and do the work required to build intimacy, [i]you[/i] may have learned something invaluable.

Don’t see this as a bad thing. It may be a necessary part of getting to know who she is, and deciding whether or not she’s capable of being in a relationship with you. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[aliasbk]

Just wondering if i could get your opinion on something new. Just a little confused.

So we have been getting along great for at a week and a half or so. She has started flirting with me and teasing me. Big, smiles, playful, all that jazz. Then today in the middle of a nice convo, she says “Do I still have stuff at your house?” She knows she does… Anyway, I said yes and she asked if she could come by after work and pick it up. What does this mean? Is she using it to come see me or is she trying to end it completely? I’m totally confused by this due to all the recent flirting.

Should I be, OK here is your stuff and let her leave or talk to her about it? I can’t take all the flirting and stuff if there is no chance, it just hurts too much. I’ve been in high spirits and happy the past week or so then just felt crushed again when I heard this

[Ask April Masini]

Like I wrote you last time, this is all a process for you to get to know who she is and decide if you want to continue seeing her — or in your case, pursuing her. She’s definitely giving you mixed messages: flirting, but removing her things from your house…. 😕

The very best way you can tell where you stand with her is to ask her out on a date and if she says yes, she’s interested in spending more time with you, and if she says no, she’s not. If she says no, but continues to flirt with you, I would discount the flirting as game-playing and insincere. And if that’s the case, it’s time to move on. 😐

I hope that helps!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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