[O2Girl]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years. We are both divorced (him twice, me once) with 1 child each. His child is leaving for college shortly. Mine is in middle school and lives with me.

My issue is with regard to our living situation. In my heart of hearts I want to be married again at some point when the time is right in the future. He is not so sure about marriage, but he says that he wants us to live together, continue to be in a committed relationship and share our lives together.

We have had this conversation many times and we are both fully aware of how the other feels and I feel like we both have respect for each other’s feelings.

He has always been very good at making me feel that he truly does see us as a unit. He always says things like “we,” “us,” “our,” etc. It is never “yours” or “mine” to him. I know that he is committed to me and sees us as a couple in every sense of the word.

It is not feasible for either of us to move in with the other. He has always talked about us getting a place together in the town where I live so that I don’t have to move my child to a different school. The fact that he had that forethought touched my heart.

He has looked online, emailed house listing to me and we have even gone to look at a couple of them. The problem is that this has been going on for more than a year and he continues to talk about it, but he always seems to stop short of any sort of action. It has caused some frustration for me.

Recently we had a conversation about it and I told him that my opinion is that he is perfectly happy with the way things are right now and I don’t think he wants things to change. It feels to me that he likes us being in a committed relationship but living separately. It almost seems as though he feels he has the best of both worlds. Someone in his life, but his own space when he needs it.

Me, on the other hand, I dream of the day that he will come home to me and we will have dinner together every night and that I will wake up by his side every morning. I find our current situation quite frustrating. All the driving back and forth. The packing on weekends I don’t have my child so that I can stay at his place and not have to drive back and forth. If we have a lot of different things going on, it can be A LOT of packing. Sometimes I feel like I’m moving in. Sometimes the packing is more work than I feel it’s worth and I opt for the driving back and forth instead. During the week, most nights he will come to my place after work. We will eat dinner together and then watch some TV and talk. Normal couple stuff. But then he leaves to go home and it always makes me feel just a little bit sad when he goes.

It’s just all a big pain in the butt and I find myself growing a little bit resentful of the fact that he is not taking any action on the moving in thing that he has been talking about for over a year.

It’s not that the relationship is bad. I don’t want out. I want to move forward, but I feel like I am stuck in limbo.

Is there anything I can do to get him unstuck without making him feel pushed or dragged?

[AskApril Masini]

You can’t change him, but you can change yourself. 😉 The great thing here is that he’s made his position and his feelings absolutely crystal clear. There’s no confusion. You, however, want one thing — marriage — and are trying to turn someone who doesn’t want it, into someone who does. It won’t work. 😳

You’re not alone, however. I hear from lots of men and women who find someone to date who has a lot of great qualities, but possesses deal breakers — and it’s harder to break up and move on when there’s no drama or abuse. But it’s important for you to recognize incompatibilities and deal breakers and respect them.

If you really want to get married, and he really doesn’t (and he’s got two failed marriages under his belt, so it’s understandable why he feels the way he does), then it’s important to move on and find someone who IS compatible with you in this important way. 😉

I hope that helps.

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