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Please help, this has been causing me plenty of stress over the past few weeks – even nightmares…

I have been dating a guy for roughly 5 months now. Things have been going pretty smooth for us since we began seeing one another.. We’re both 21 years old. I’m his first girlfriend, but I’ve dated a few guys in the past, and I have a pretty clear idea of what I’m looking for.

Here’s what I’m so distraught over: the novelty of a new relationship has worn off, and I’m discovering that he’s actually kind of boring to me. I am a very passionate person, especially about reading, learning, and a few other things that he isn’t interested in. There are some things that really bother me about him, that I’ve been ignoring all this time – like that he doesn’t seem to take responsibility for his own education (it’s always “the professor’s fault for not explaining it right” or something), our conflicting political views, and his negative attitude when it comes to trying new things. On the other hand, we do have those times when we have plenty of fun together – and we are very compatible physically. We do share some of the same interests, but nothing gets him excited the way I get excited over things. He told me himself that he lacks motivation.

Now… I had been ignoring all of these little things that nag at me… Because relationships do involve compromise, right?

Then, one day, a coworker confessed that he is very interested in me – he thinks I’m amazing, and he hopes that I am not offended or taken aback by this, but if things don’t work out between my boyfriend and I, he would love if I would give him a call. Nothing inappropriate was (or has been) going on between this coworker and I – that was pretty much the extent of our conversation on the matter. However, a few weeks ago, I began realizing that this coworker seems to have many of the traits I am looking for in a man… The ones my current boyfriend already has, including much more. The few times at work (usually lunch breaks, when the entire office goes out) that we have just goofing around, chatting about life – have been wonderful. He hasn’t made any inappropriate advances – he has been very respectful of my current relationship.

When I get off work, and go to dinner with my boyfriend, and we’ll be quiet at the table, with nothing much to talk about because he isn’t interested in much. When I get excited about something and tell him about it, he smiles and nodes… not the type to get excited with me, which sort of drains the satisfaction I get in sharing it. The only real times I really seem to have fun are when we play video games together (which gets old quickly) or when we get “physical”. My boyfriend is a nice guy. He is smart and very handsome. We have our differences, and we do get along. I do have feelings for him, but lately….. I think I’ve been developing feelings for this coworker too.

I feel TERRIBLE. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know if I want my current relationship to continue… we may not be compatible in the long run… but at the same time, how could I tell my boyfriend, “sorry, you’re boring, I’m breaking up with you”? It would tear him apart, and he would say very hurtful things to me in reply, which would in turn tear ME apart – it would be very ugly, so I want to be sure before I act. Any guidance would be VERY much appreciated. Is this kind of doubt in a relationship normal? Should I learn to set our differences aside for the sake of the relationship? Or should I go for the coworker – or not even necessarily the coworker, but at least someone I have more things in common with? Please forgive me for any mistakes I may have made up until this point… I’m inexperienced, and still learning and growing as a person.

(Also, I’m forgive me for the huge wall of text!)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wait a minute…. you’re dating a guy you’re not that into because you’re afraid of breaking up with him? AND…. you’re [u]not[/u] dating a guy you’re interested in, and who’s into you, because you’re taking care of a boyfriend who you’re not really liking very much? 😯

You’re not doing anyone any favors by staying with someone who isn’t compatible with you. Dating isn’t a commitment — it’s a process, and you’re supposed to use the process to decide if you want to continue to spend time with the person you’re dating. If you don’t use the process properly, you’ll end up in drama-ville. That’s where you’re headed now. 😕

Use this rule of thumb: The first three months of dating someone are to figure out if you want to continue seeing them. Assume that he’s dating other people at the same time you are, too. At around the six month mark of dating, decide if you want to be monogamous. If he doesn’t and you do, move on.

And yes — this is a no-brainer — you should definitely go out with the co-worker for whom you’ve got some interest, and stop dating the guy who isn’t compatible with you. And frankly, you’re doing him a favor by letting him go because he can find someone who thinks he’s amazing — you don’t — and it’s not fair to him (or you) to continue dating him. Next! 😉

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