[Anonymous]

For the past 7 months ive sent all my days with the man I love. I’m sure it is hard to believe you love someone when you’ve only talked online and the phone for almost all hours of the day for 7 months. I met this guy online on a game and he is a genuine amazing person that has all the qualities I want in a man. (we contact via phone) He has my undying respect and treats me like better then any guy has ever. He isn’t looking for just sex he is looking for a long term relationship that could end into marriage and kids. There are a few complications with this fairy tale being I am 19 and he is 43; also I live Canada and he lives in the United States. We have been planing to meet in the summer to make sure this is what we want, and that we want to be together. We have sent pictures and he finds me attractive and I on the other hand have to spend time convincing myself I find him attractive when I don’t. I am only attracted to his personality not his looks, but I want to give him a chance. I really do love him and want to be with him, but I feel (looking ahead in the future) that we are at different stages in our life and that I have many years ahead of me while he doesn’t. We feel the same way about each other, but recently tonight he brought up that he knows I love him, but I have to convince myself I am in love with him and want to spend my life with him. I know when we meet I will most likely want to be friends with him because of his looks, but if i get past that I know it’s because I convinced myself to look past it. It is really hard to let him go epically when I want to give him a chance in case my feelings are strong for him. I can’t imagine not being with him because we love each other but because I feel we are at different stages in our life. I strongly feel our relationship will work for a few years but coming 20 years from now it wont. (only because he will be getting old) I can’t bring myself to feel i’ve wasted the little life he has left to start a family only because I want us to be in a committed relationship for maybe 5 years. In 5 years he will be 48 and i will be 24 giving me plenty of time to find the “one” and start a life. He won’t have much time in his life unlike myself to have that. As of tonight after our long talk I told him maybe we should just be friends. (making my decision on a long term standpoint) I am wondering if this was the right decision to have made, when all i want right now is to win him back and spend all my time with him. Age is just a number, but I am wondering if this relationship is even realistic. (if we do hit it off he is willing to move closer to me) This message is excluding all the complications with my family, society, and all of the above for frowning upon out relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Oh, dear. Dear, dear, dear…. 😕 Of course age is just a number, and relationships with bigger age gaps than yours can work, but this is not a realistic relationship by a long shot.

First of all, at age 43, if this guy REALLY cared about you, he’d fly out there to see you at least a couple times in 7 months. By age 43, he’s been working for several decades and has enough money to buy plane tickets for him to see you or to fly you to see him. So that’s the first RED flag.

Second, if you’re not attracted to him, AND he doesn’t take you out to dinner or a movie, what’s the point? I mean, you’re 19 years old and beginning your adult life. In fact, in most states you’re not even old enough to drink or rent a car! This has nothing to do with the age gap — it has to do with life experience. You haven’t mentioned anything about him that makes me think you should give up physical attraction for this guy. Physical attraction isn’t everything — but it’s a lot, and it’s important — especially at first.

Third, if he’s never been married by age 43, that’s a huge question mark. And it sounds like you have a bunch of other obstacles you didn’t even bring up.

My advice to you is:

1. End the relationship completely. No friend. No romance. No more internet or phone calls.

2. Start getting out and dating real men in real life.

3. If you meet a man on the internet, whether it’s on a dating site, a game site or a chat room board, don’t MAINTAIN a relationship that is solely on the internet/phone and other electronic and technical devices. If he hasn’t asked to meet you after three weeks of “electronic” communication, move on.

I hope that helps, and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 😀

[Member]

Posts