[Michael915]

So I met this awesome girl from a dating site. We went on a bunch of dates, met each other’s families and 2 months into the relationship my dad dies. He was in an accident riding his bike where a car lost control and swerved onto a shoulder and hit him. About a year later, we got engaged. 5 months after that, we broke up. 2 months after that we got back into a relationship and started from square one. It’s been about 5 months since we got back together. The biggest issues are politics and religion. This girl makes me really happy, but she is very catholic and conservative. And I am a liberal and catholic, but I had only gone to church about once a year before I met her. Now I go every week and on holy days and holidays. My dad’s side is liberal and my mom’s side is conservative but my mom is liberal, and my girlfriend’s family is pretty much all conservative. When I ask her about politics she seems to think we need to be on the same page on pro life and against gay marriage. And I tell her I am sometimes just to save the relationship because I realize how intense her family is and I just really love her. But she knows that I am a democrat and the reason we broke up is partly because I started to refuse to go to church with her. Her parents are the ones brainwashing her to believe that you can’t have sex before marriage and can’t live together before marriage. They aren’t the type of parents where you can go behind their back. They are very intense and my girlfriend even cries when I ask to move in together, get married, or have sex. She feels pressured and goes to them. We had sex in the past, and then she gets all depressed and thinks she is a bad person. I do not pressure her, she asks me to do it. She just changes her mind a lot. I guess what I want to know is, based on this information I have given, is it best to move on and break up with her? She doesn’t know if I’m the right one anymore but said the feelings are still there and just wants to see where this goes. But something tells me it isn’t right. But I feel even worse when we broke up last time. She’s an awesome girl with great values, I just don’t know if I want to marry into a family that is so intense. She has 6 sisters, and one with severe autism. My girlfriend seems to think more like me and only wants 2 kids but they say that when you marry someone, you marry their family? I just go back and forth a lot.

[Ask April Masini]

These are great questions. Differences in politics and religion can be deal breakers if there is no room for other opinions. Many couples make religious and political differences work because they agree to disagree, but if you can’t agree on how to bridge the ideological gaps, you’re going to have problems that may be deal breakers. Some ways to bridge those gaps are: You may disagree to go to church with her — but if you agree to go, but maybe less often, that may be a solution. Or she may want you to go with her, but she may be understanding if you only go once a month…. and that may be a solution!

As for politics, my advice is to practice empathy and invite her to do the same. If you understand why people feel the way they do, and can be okay with differences, you’re going to have a much richer relationship and life, than if you only associate with people who have like views. That said, it’s much easier to have a relationship when your political and religious views are similar. That you’re both Catholic — even with a the gap of liberal and conservative — is a big leg up on commonalities.

The sex before marriage question is a little more complicated because you said she cries from pressure if you ask her to marry you, move in together or have sex before marriage. I’d think that the marriage question would make her happy…. so it’s a little confusing when you say she gets upset when you talk about marrying her.

My advice is to talk to her more about this — for instance, talk about how you’d raise kids if you married and have them. And talk further about how many kids you’d have. These can be tough subjects, but t’s very important to discuss them now, rather than later. Bring up how often you’d see each family, and how you’d handle Thanksgiving and Christmas — especially if your families live in different cities. See if she’s rigid on everything — or just these two subjects. If it’s the latter, then you can probably work things through, but if she’s rigid on many areas of a relationship, no matter how much you love each other, this isn’t going to be a happy relationship for either one of you.

[Michael915]

Thanks for messaging back. This is great advice. When you said you’re confused what I mean by her getting upset about marriage, what I mean is that she just doesn’t know if I’m the right one and wants to wait and see things through. The first year we dated she was happy about the prospect of marriage. But when we got engaged I just started asking a lot of questions about how I no longer wanted to go to church every week and so forth. And she wants to marry someone who goes to church every single week and has somewhat the same views on things. I know I can make a sacrifice to go to church every week. But I’m just not sure if that’s what I want to do. I just feel like this relationship is all about her and me being this guy that fits her fantasy. I don’t expect her to do everything I want. But I am ok dating her with her beliefs. I just don’t agree with them. I feel as if she is ok with my beliefs but doesn’t want to marry someone with my beliefs. I’ll talk to her about everything as well.

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you both?

[Michael915]

I am 25 and she is 24. It’s been about 2 years since we started dating.

[Ask April Masini]

If your religious and political beliefs are deal breakers for her, then it’s good to know that now. You’re right to keep the conversation going, and to delve deeper, for instance, asking her about raising kids, visiting both sides of the family and the frequency for that — these are all the areas where a relationship can really go off the rails, and it’s much better for you to know as much as possible as soon as possible, since you’re engaged, and have a two year investment in the relationship. Don’t be afraid to face the truth. 😉

[Michael915]

I’ve actually known they were deal breakers for a long time. So I just changed some of my views for her even though I was lying. Because I figured she would eventually realize that it’s alright to have different views and still date. But I should have never done that. Also, we actually aren’t engaged anymore we are starting over, so just in a relationship. I still have the ring in case we ever do again.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re right — it wasn’t a good idea to lie to her about your views in the hopes that she would change hers. That was risky with no good pay off. 😕 And as for “starting over”, I don’t think you can start over. It sounds like you broke the engagement and are back to dating, but it’s very difficult to go backwards…. 😳 Sometimes that’s just what you have to do before realizing it isn’t going to work.

[Michael915]

Ok I understand. It’s always been so hard because I know how crappy I felt when we broke up last time. I think we are dating for the wrong reasons but both are scared to break up with the other. It’s tough.

[Ask April Masini]

Your honesty is what will get you through this. As tough as it is to break up, it’s tougher to prolong a relationship that is based on the wrong reasons to be together, because it eventually will fail, and you’ll have invested a lot more time and energy than if you’d recognized the deal breakers, and acted on them sooner. The more you date, the easier it will be to value your time and energy and not want to be in the wrong relationship because you know you’re wasting time — and that someone who’s compatible and right for you is out there.

[Michael915]

I’ll do it. It’ll be a little awkward but I will. When we got engaged, she moved here. She had been living with her parents about an hour and a half away from here. She lives with my best friend’s girlfriend’s older sister. And my best friend and his girlfriend are moving in there soon as the older sister is moving out. So it’ll just be my girlfriend living with my best friend and his girlfriend. She doesn’t want to live together before marriage. So like I said this is the right move. Just saying that we may have to remain somewhat civil as my best friend will be living in the same house as her. Kind of an awkward situation ha.

[Ask April Masini]

It’s definitely an awkward living situation!

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