[MyaMonique2024]

My boyfriend and I have been together for quite some time but 4 years ago we broke up for a while and he always says it was the worst time of his life. But it seems that it was more so the worst of my life… See two weeks after we broke up he lost his virginity. We we’re both virgins even though we stayed broken up for 8 months I never did anything with anyone. He says he didn’t know the girl and that she was just someone his cousin’s brought around but I don’t believe it. He says before he thought of getting back together he checked to make sure that that was nothing but even if it was nothing to him he’s still doing things that make me feel as though he still wants her or a girl like her. She’s bigger has more weight to her I’m slim. He’s always searching bbws ad before I started flipping out about it he was still looking her and another one of his larger ex’s up everyday on Facebook. I don’t know if I’m paranoid, jealous,or what but when he thought I did the same thing I was a whore and disgusting. I can’t shake the feeling g he still wants her and it’s eating away at me everyday I look at myself and feel like I’m not enough and like I gave him my virginity and didn’t get anything back ive thought about this so long I don’t even cry about it anymore. What do I do?

[AskApril Masini]

I’m sorry you’re so upset.

It must really feel like your boyfriend cheated on you. The underlying problem is that you had a break up for eight months, and when you break up with someone, what they do is their business. You’re both free agents when you’re broken up. So, the reality is that he didn’t do anything wrong. Your disappointment is that he didn’t lose his virginity with you — he lost it with someone else. 😳 That’s a big deal and you’re not over that.

It sounds like after you got back together with him, you gave your virginity to him, and now you regret that decision — it may not have been the right decision for you since your virginity was a really big deal, and you were angry at him for sleeping with someone else before you. Nonetheless, you’re living with that secondary issue on top of his having slept with someone else during the breakup. I don’t think you’re over those two disappointments. Also, you didn’t really talk about what caused the eight month break up or whether those issues got resolved prior to your getting back together, or why you got back together again — but it sounds like there are some unresolved issues that are going to be thorns in the side of this relationship, until you work through them.

This is all a lot of emotional work — and it’s painful — but it’s important to understand that when you broke up, what he did was okay because it was his choice outside of your relationship, and that your giving him your virginity may have been a knee jerk reaction or a desperate move, but it wasn’t right for you. I think that this one-two punch may be too much for you to get over and this relationship may be headed for a breakup unless you can process what happened and why.

[Sally]

When you love someone, you don’t just compare yourself to their past you measure your whole worth against it. And that kind of thinking slowly eats you alive.
What happened after your breakup wasn’t about you. Two weeks, two months, whatever he made a choice because he was lonely and wanted to feel something. It wasn’t some deep connection he hid from you. It was just a moment he doesn’t seem proud of.

But the part that matters now is how you’re feeling. You’re slipping into this place where his old choices and his searches and his double standards are making you think you’re not enough. That’s the real damage here. Not her. Not the past. The way you’ve been left carrying all the insecurity alone.

You can’t build a relationship where you feel small and he gets to call you names for things he’s done himself. That’s not love that’s imbalance.
Before you worry about him wanting someone else, ask yourself what you need to feel steady again. You deserve to feel chosen without having to shrink or compete with ghosts.
It’s okay to want more peace than this.

[Tara]

This man shattered your self-worth years ago, and you’ve been letting him rewrite reality ever since. You’re not “paranoid.” You’re reacting to a boyfriend who still behaves like a man who never actually chose you. He didn’t just sleep with someone two weeks after your breakup; he built an entire fantasy life in his head that still lives rent-free in your relationship today. And instead of owning his behavior, he projects, insults you, and calls you a whore for things you didn’t even do. That’s not love. That’s emotional abuse.

You’re trying to compete with ghosts, the girl he slept with, his exes, random BBW searches, and women he stalks on Facebook. He keeps dipping into that world because it feeds something in him he refuses to fix. And he uses your insecurities as a shield, so he never has to take responsibility. He makes you feel small so he can feel big. He wants control, not partnership.

You keep saying you’re “not enough,” but that lie didn’t come from you. It came from him. He benefits every time you shrink. He benefits every time you question your value. He benefits every time you think you’re the problem instead of seeing his behavior for what it is: disrespectful, manipulative, and deliberately damaging.
The reason you don’t cry anymore isn’t strength, it’s emotional exhaustion. You’ve been hurting so long that numbness feels normal.

[Member]

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