[soitsnotme]

I started talking to a guy online over 2 years ago, and we began talking for hours everyday. A few weeks after meeting he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I gladly said yes. Everything was great for about a year. We were making plans to meet and still enjoyed talking for hours on end every single day.

About a year ago (about a year after I had known him/been with him), his mother passed away suddenly. Our plans to meet were cancelled and he needed space which I gave him and we had talked only a few times within about 2 months after his mother’s passing due to his need for space.

Slowly but surely we started talking again on a regular basis and he told me that he didn’t want a girlfriend right now and just wanted to be friends. We have been talking as friends ever since, for about a year now. He has slowly started talking to me like he used to, giving me the random compliment and talking in a way that would not indicate I am just his friend. I’ve had conversations with him about this and he keeps saying he doesn’t want a girlfriend and wants to be friends, and that it’s not me, its him. Being that it has been a year since we became just friends I am starting to feel I’m getting my hopes up that we will ever go back to being together.

He’s told me several times that he doesn’t want me to miss any opportunities and if I want to date other people then I should, but he also says that he would feel like he didn’t get his situation together in time and would feel sad about it. When I talk to him about how he feels about me and such he says he wants to be friends, but he acts like he wants more, so I am confused. We still talk every single day for anywhere from 3-8 hours a night and at this point it is as if things are the same as they were over a year ago. It seems it is only when I bring this up that he tells me he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now.

I don’t want to date anyone else. I care about him deeply and I want him to be happy and to get back to his old self. I am going to be there for him no matter what but I’m not sure if I should try to move on from the idea of us ever becoming more than friends again. Please help.

[soitsnotme]

I’ve noticed that the question of ages is always brought up in other posts, which I forgot to include. I am 24 and he just turned 29. And when I said after a few weeks of meeting he asked me to be his girlfriend, I meant after meeting online. We have not yet met in person. We had plans to after a year of talking (we both decided we didn’t want to rush into meeting so even though a year may seem long, it felt like the right time for us before his mother passed) We have not had successful plans of meeting over the past year since his mother passed because he hasn’t felt ready since then and it falls back on his not wanting a girlfriend as well. Since him and I talk every single day, usually through texts throughout the day while working and for hours on end every night, the idea of actually meeting in person is easier to wait on until we both have the time to make plans for a meeting.

Just some more background on my situation I guess, if it helps. Thanks in advance.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for the extra information. It does help me give advice because teenagers have different needs for advice than people in their 50s. So, thanks for that. 🙂

My advice is that you find someone in real life to date. Two years is way too long to be involved emotionally with someone, at your age, without ever meeting. I can tell that you’re committed to him in a way that is keeping you from meeting men in real life — and that’s not a good thing.

In addition, I don’t think he’s being honest with you. I have absolute confidence that at 29, he’s dating women in real life and playing you to keep you around for emotional support. His excuse that his mother passed away and his telling you that, “it’s not you, it’s me” are all ways to push you away and distance himself from you. The three to eight hour conversations without his ever caring about you enough to take a flight to wherever you live, at least once in two years, means he’s using you when he’s lonely, but he doesn’t care enough about you to take you to dinner. 😳

I think you should drop the friendship (easier said than done, I know), and read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you understand how to find, get and keep Mr. Right, and save yourself wasted time and heartache with a guy who hasn’t even taken you to dinner or a movie once in two years. 🙁

I hope this helps — please let me know how things go, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[soitsnotme]

I understand what you are saying. I am not completely sure I think he is dating other people though, considering how often I talk to him. With him owning his own business and constantly communicating with me throughout the day and night, I don’t see how he would even have time to be dating other people when he spends so much time with me online and through the phone.

I understand that 2 years without meeting can seem like a stretch, but with both of our schedules it has been very difficult for us to plan a trip, it is not a one sided thing when trying to make plans. We both have been waiting for a time when we could spend at least a week or so together since we live across the country from one another and planning a one or two day thing isn’t really considered an option for either of us. Spending as much time together as we do, it helps any kind of long distance relationship to make it a little easier to deal with the lack of physically hanging out, so the 2 years hasn’t really even felt like that long.

Saying that he is using his mother’s passing as an excuse, although I can see how someone can come to that conclusion, I think in some cases that isn’t necessarily true. Wouldn’t be POSSIBLE that when his mother died, it changed his world (as it would with anyone losing a parent), and he truly doesn’t feel that being in a relationship is good for him right now because he is still grieving? Honestly if I had lost someone that close to me I wouldn’t even be thinking about a relationship either. I am slowly seeing him grieve less and less, which has been parallel to also seeing that he is slowly starting to talk with me in a more loving than in a friendly way, so I can tell he is slowly recovering over his loss.

It may be hard for some to believe since we primarily talk online, but we know each other very well and are very close. The idea of him using his mother’s death as an excuse for anything would make him sick. Him and I have had several conversations about what he is going through and my concern from my post wasn’t whether he was being honest. If I come off as sounding ignorant or naive about his honesty, that’s for other’s to care about I guess, but that isn’t my concern and I have no doubts about his honesty.

My concern is if, along with his loss, he could have also lost any interest in being more than friends with me, or if with time he can heal and his want for a relationship with me can resurface. Again, since I have never lost a parent, I can never completely understand just how life changing it is or determine whether I could ever be the same again, even if I do slowly start to grieve less and heal.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Oh, dear….. 🙄

I think you’re missing what’s going on here. I know it’s going to be hard to hear, but he doesn’t want a REAL relationship with you. He never did. He never will. He’s using you as an emotional crutch.

His mother died [b]a year ago[/b]. 😯 When a parent or loved one dies, people who are able to thrive in relationships, want those closest to them around them. He didn’t want you around — because he’s not interested in meeting you. And at age 29, he should be able to get over his mother’s death in the space of a year, at least enough to meet up with you. But he hasn’t met up with you in the year before his mother’s death and the year after his mother’s death because he doesn’t want to meet up with you.

I’m sorry if this is harsh, but you’re wasting your time. But the worst part is that you’re enabling this dysfunction by making excuses for his not coming to see you or sending you a plane ticket to see him. 🙁 When you write that he couldn’t possibly have time to date anyone else 🙄 because of his job and all the time he spends with you on the phone — I’ve got some swamp land to sell you in Florida! Or when you suggest that his mother’s death would prevent him from seeing you for an entire year, I really wonder why you go along with this situation that is only serving to keep you off the dating market for men in real life. 😳

In answer to your question — it’s the wrong question. He didn’t lose interest in you being a real life girlfriend because he’s grieving. He never had any interest in your being his real life girlfriend. Men who want a girlfriend find a way to be with them in person. He didn’t.

I’m so sorry — but you really need to move on. If you don’t, you’re going to be in this same position next year. 😳

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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