[confused0ne]

I’m a 43 male and seperated by my choice. There is an attractive 42 year old bartender at a local bar that I have been going to for drinks and pool for 10 years, she has worked there the whole time. We play on a pool league together and after she found out I was seperated, she kept sending signals to me. After 16 years of marriage, I was oblivious to them. She asked for a ride home because she had been drinking, sent signals that I missed, and I dropped her off like a gentleman. She asked again the next week, and this time the signals were unmistakable, and we slept together. The sex was amazing and I kept coming back for more. After a month or so, we starting getting to know each other. I find her to be an amazing, sexy, confident, independent woman. As we got more serious than sex, she says she needs to tell me something. We have a mutual male friend that she tells me was a booty call for the last 5 years. She states she was afraid I would find out from someone else and wanted me to hear it from her. I have not been sure how to feel about this. When I think about it, I have feelings of jealousy? I am not really sure of my feelings, they are new to me and I may be overthinking them. She states that she had needs and he fullfilled them without sleeping around with multiple partners. I guess I respect that, but it doesn’t feel that way. I have only been in a few long-term relationships with my marriage being the last 16 years. So when I think of a booty call, in my mind, lowers my image of her. He had texted her a week after we had been together, and she told him that she was with someone else. I believe and trust her. We have been together now for over 4 months and I really like her. But this feeling is getting in the way. Am I crazy? My friends think she is beneath me and should keep searching, not to fall for the first woman who sleeps with me after a long marriage. I am attractive, slender, successful business owner. I know the ‘bartender’ label is not the most appealing, but I don’t define her as that. Am I just jealous that such a beautiful woman can have sex with the snap of a finger while I was living in a sexless marriage for the last few years? I have no idea if he is the only one or how many partners she truly had. Am I dating a ‘bar tramp’ that just calls someone when the want sex? She admits that over the past 10 years, she has always liked me, but never approached me because she knew I was married. I felt the same way, I have always found her attractive, sexy, and liked her personality but never said anything but “Miller Lite please”.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not crazy, and you’re entitled to your feelings. But…. you are new to dating, and there are a few pointers you should keep in mind. First of all, decide what it is you’re looking for. It sounds like you started sleeping with her and then dating her without much thought and now that you’re emotionally involved, you’re rethinking the relationship. The best thing to do now is decide what it is you want for yourself. For instance, do you want to remarry? Or do you want to play the field? And if you do want to remarry, what do you want in a partner this time around? You’ll save yourself a lot of energy if you focus on these questions and come up with some answers. You can change your mind along the way, but at least have some direction in dating before starting out.

As for your feelings about this woman who used to casually date someone you know, she didn’t do anything wrong. However, you’re having a morality issue and that matters. I’m not judging your morality, but I am going to tell you to be honest with yourself, and if you’re uncomfortable dating someone who is in a bartender or service type of job, like a waitress, then be clear about it and don’t waste your time or hers. If you prefer to date someone who’s in a white collar job or something more glamorous, that’s okay — but only if you’re honest and do it. Same goes for her having dated others, including you, so casually. If you want someone who has a morality that is more like your own, then find that person. I’m not here to judge her or you — but I am here to help you feel more comfortable in your life by helping you date better and that means you have to figure out who you are and what you want in a person. 😉

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[confused0ne]

Thank you for replying April. Sometimes we need an objective view on our thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately for me, my freinds have voiced their opinion and I cannot lean on them. You are correct, I do need to focus on what I want in a relationship and she’s close. I am a realist and I know everyone has a history, but I also don’t think any man wants to think of the woman they are involved with as a mutual friends go-to booty call for years. And, the only reason she told me was because she thought I would find out from someone else. I’m not boasting my morality, but I what if she slept with whatever guy was at the bar every time she got horny. She did snag me outta there and sleep with me the first time she got me in her house. Was I a potential booty call who she just ended up liking? Or does that even matter?? I mean… If I like her, who cares? I did jump in the sack with her just as quickly. I like about 90% of who and how she is. Is it possible to find 100%? We have a lot of common activities and hobbies. I am white collar, but not typical. Most of my life I have been a blue collar, hard working… broke man. I learned a ton being broke, I’m very self sufficient and a jack of all trades. I eventually worked my way out of that, but it’s still my personality… four wheelin’, camping, golfing, boating, drinking, playing pool. I want someone to share those activities with me as she does.. we have fun together! She’s just been a bartender so long that it’s hard to talk to her about anything with real meaning, and that bothers me in my long term thoughts. Could that change over time if she has someone with a half a brain to talk to ? She is perceptive and had stong common sense. I’m not looking for marriage, at least not anytime soon… thats been explained. But I am interested in a monogamous relationship that has potential. Should I keep looking?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is to date her, and to also play the field. I know you’re focusing on the fact that she had a casual relationship with a friend of yours for years — but don’t forget, you’re still married! 😉 So before you start judging people based on their morality, remember, that people can judge you for dating other women while you’re married.

Are you actively divorcing? Or are you just separated so you can decide if you want to get back together with your wife again? That’s important for you to be honest about.

In the meantime, since you haven’t dated after a 16 year marriage, don’t jump into a rebound relationship. Instead, play the field. Have fun. And don’t get too serious until you know more of what you want.

I’ll answer your questions specifically here:

[quote]Was I a potential booty call who she just ended up liking? [/quote]

Yes.

[quote]Or does that even matter?? [/quote]

You have to answer that question yourself instead of looking to others to answer it for you.

[quote]I mean… If I like her, who cares? [/quote]

Well, lots of people will care, but the question is, do you? Again, YOU have to answer this question. And… you have to understand that she IS someone who sleeps with guys without a commitment, and before getting to know them. This doesn’t indicate someone who’s serious about having a relationship — but then again, it sounds like you’re not looking for a serious relationship right now, either.

[quote]I like about 90% of who and how she is. Is it possible to find 100%?[/quote]

The question you’re asking, is really, should you commit to her or not. The answer is no, for now. You’re married. You’re ending a 16 year marriage and beginning to date. Play the field!

[quote]She’s just been a bartender so long that it’s hard to talk to her about anything with real meaning, and that bothers me in my long term thoughts. Could that change over time if she has someone with a half a brain to talk to ? [/quote]

It could, but at 42, she’s showing you who she is now. Don’t try to change her. Instead, pay attention to who she is, get to know her further, and after about three months of dating, decide if you want to continue dating her. But, you should also be playing the field, too, to see what else is out there.

[quote]I’m not looking for marriage, at least not anytime soon… thats been explained. But I am interested in a monogamous relationship that has potential. Should I keep looking?[/quote]

Yes.

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