[HoneyBurst60]

Hi!
I’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years. We’ve had our problems and serveral break-ups in the past 5 years but eventually always get back together, there is no doubt we both love each other very much. Some problems that I am having is my partner informed me at the beginning of our relationship that she had a ex-husband, however I later found out she is still legally married and her “ex-husband” lives in her home while she lives with me in my home. She continues to pay all the bills at her home even though she does not live there, her ex-husband has no means of supporting himself. He has also been in serious legal trouble in the past few years in which she has aided him by paying his bail and paying the attorney’s retainer, along with providing him with a free place to live.
A year ago she told me that she would be filing for a divorce and liquidating all of her properties (one jointly owned with her ex (not the one he’s living in). The year came and went and she did not move forward on any of these issues, in essence she did not keep her word to me as I wanted to end the relationship a year ago and she did everything she could to convince me that it could work if we worked on it together. She obviously does not understand the importance of “keeping her word” to me especially since I have caught her in several lies over the years and yet always have forgiven her.
Throughout the years she has been living in my home I have never once asked her to contribute to the bills in anyway, and she has never offered, not once. I make a very good living and never have a problem spending money on her/us.
About 6 months ago I began to have some serious medical issues and I am currently medically disabled and unable to work. My doctor wanted to permanently disable me but I refuse to live with such a limited income. I took all of my savings and went back to school to get another degree so I could continue to work after these medical issues are resolved. My limited disability payments aren’t enough to support the lifestyle we have grown accoustomed to so I aksed her for some financal assistance with the household bills.
She told me she could not afford to pay bills at two residences even though she does not live in the other home, she packed her things and moved out.🙁
I’m really at a loss here, I just don’t understand how this could happen? She convinced me this relationship was worth working on but when I need her the most she walks out on me?

I just don’t know what to do?

[Ask April Masini]

What do you mean you’re at a loss in seeing how this all happened?! 🙄 You were a completely willing participant. You need to put your big boy pants on and stop acting like a victim. 😳

You have been dating a married woman for 5 years. That is your choice. Nobody had a gun to your head. You were clear that your girlfriend was supporting her husband the entire time and you still took her in to live with you. Never once has she done anything to you or for you that was honorable — and NOW ?? 😯 you’re looking for her to be someone she’s not and never has been?

Here’s what you should do: Break up with her.

You’ve engaged in a dysfunctional and hurtful relationship for five years, and now you’ve got some real problems you have to focus on. She is not going to give you the help you want and you need to have some clarity in your life so you can move on. You’re better off alone now, so you can decide what to do about your own life problems without her as baggage.

[HoneyBurst60]

Thank you April.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re welcome. 🙂

I’m sorry if it sounded harsh, but sometimes people need a wake up call that’s a little stronger than the average cup of joe.

I wish you lots of good luck! 😀

[HoneyBurst61]

Hi! I’m the ORIGINAL poster of this thread but couldn’t remember my password and I’ve changed ISP since registering so not sure what email address I used to recover my password.

I am REVISITING this thread almost one year later to give the following update…

[b][u]***UPDATE***[/u][/b]

After breaking up with her in April 2010, about two weeks ago I received a call from my next door neighbor who asked me if I was home? It seems that my “EX” was in the neighbors living room and “wants to talk to me”. I met her outside and she immediately begins questioning me with “who are you seeing now”? 😯

I told her that “whether I was seeing anyone or not was none of her business since she walked out on me when I needed her the most”! She then went on to make visual descriptions of several women who have “stayed” with me over the months since we broke up, she also told me other personal information that she would not have been privy to? When I asked her how she knew these things all she said was “don’t worry about it”! Exactly why I am worrying about it… my ex doesn’t just live around the corner she’s in another State completely!

I think I have a stalker and have reported this to the authorities, she went on to threaten me by phone a few days later and even had some guy (who she said is her fiance) threaten to “kill me”… both are obviously idiots since they left the threats on my voice mail, calling from her phone. 🙄 This past Friday night I was enjoying some female company while my car alarm kept going off, and kept going off. My car was parked around the corner from my house and not in my line of sight… when I went out Saturday morning to check things out I found a shirt stuffed into the tail pipe of the car. This would have been bad had it not been daylight, not seeing a black shirt stuffed into the tail pipe of a black car could have had disastrous effects if I had gotten in and started driving. I’m pretty sure I know who did it but unfortunately without a visual identification “guessing” who did it doesn’t count!

The night she showed up I was able to tell her this… “No matter how many times you’ve broken my heart, no matter how many times you lied to me and didn’t keep you word… so many times I couldn’t begin to count! But, no matter what I never stopped loving you and hoping you would get the help you need so badly”.

After we split up I went through the usual “missing the person and all we had together” but then I moved on and began dating again… nothing serious, just seeing a handful of women, after being hurt as badly as my ex hurt me I’m just not “ready” for any kind of LTR at this point, but I’m just not sure what to do about the ex?
I mean we have a court date and under no circumstance should I tolerate her stalking me as she has admitted to (she even told my next door neighbor this who is now a witness), but even after all this time has past, and I have begun new intimate relationships, I still see the love in her eyes when I looked at her that night! Arrgghh!

I know, I know, she’s nuts and I should move forward with the legal proceedings against her… I can’t help how my heart feels though and that’s the thing that hurts the most.

HoneyBurst61 aka HoneyBurst60

[Ask April Masini]

You need a reality check. Your ex-girlfriend lied to you about her ex-husband. Then she lied to you that he was living in her home. Then she lied to you that she would liquidate her assets and rid herself of him. Then she refused to contribute or pitch in when you were disabled and needed help. Then she started stalking you to the extent that she’s a criminal and you have a court date because she’s had your life threatened. Are you kidding? Re-read what I wrote.

That wasn’t mature love you saw in her eyes. That was need — and it was dysfunctional need. She isn’t a healthy or safe person. Stay away and keep reporting any threats to your person to the police so they can put a stop to the criminal behavior.

Maybe reading this will make you see how much better off you are without her. Meeting and reconnecting with someone new isn’t going to be instantaneous, but you will — I promise! 😉

Keep your head clear and your feet on the ground.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it all goes.

Until then, I’ll see you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[HoneyBurst61]

Hi April,

Thanks for the reply and yes I re-read everything you wrote. I can never forget the lies, all the lies she told over the years, and while I cannot forget I can forgive, knowing she is unstable kind of makes it a little easier. I think that was my greatest downfall when I took her back so many times in the past… my ability to “forgive”, but I “never” forget.

I have every intention of following through with the legal/court stuff and yesterday I reported the Friday night incident to the correct people.

When she showed up at my door in the first place after not hearing or “seeing” her (obviously she hides well) I knew something was wrong… you don’t just come banging on your ex’s door one night after a year of silence. Luckily she admitted to my next door neighbor that she had been “watching” who has been coming and going from my house, lucky for me as now I have a witness to her behaviors.

Having her “new” fiance threaten me just doesn’t make any sense? I mean after 5 years with me, 5 years of telling me she is going to get divorced but never did, all of the sudden she finds the “real” man of her dreams after we split? Then why “watch” me at all? Why even care if there are other females in my life? Why get your “new love” involved in behaviors like this showing him what you’re really about, and then if she loves this “new fiance” so much why would she put his safety in jeopardy by forcing him into a confrontation with me? None of it makes any sense at all to me?

I have a lot of questions but think I will let the authorities work out the answers for me but even that hasn’t been an easy road. Every single social service legal agency I have gone to (remember I am medically disabled at this time) either turned me down flat offering no help or immediately thought I was the [b]DEFENDANT[/b] because I am a MALE. WTF?

I’ll keep you posted on progress and while I wish I could join you over on Facebook it seems that FB is another venue she may be utilizing to find out my business… I just don’t know? So I’m keeping quiet on FB until the court dates are finished.

Wish me luck and hope that she get’s the help she needs so badly, deep down she’s not a terrible person, just a sick person.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m very glad I could help and that you’re extricating yourself from a bad relationship. It’s probably not worth your time to try and figure out why SHE does all the things she does. Instead, focus on you and try to learn why YOU did and do things that lead you astray from what you really want in your life (a healthy, happy, stable relationship).

I’m wishing you lots of luck, but I don’t think you need it. You’re “getting” it! 😀

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

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