[Mot352]

I reconnected with an old high school acquaintance of mine a few months ago and we’ve fallen head over heels for each other. We’re now engaged to be married and still completely in love. There’s a small problem that’s been popping up lately in the form of her ex-boyfriend. I’ll try to make a long story very brief. (I’m changing names too)

My fiancee, Laura, has a 5 year old daughter (Sienna) from a previous relationship. The father left and has had little to no contact with her or the daughter since she was very small. In the time between his leaving and the start of our relationship, Laura dated a guy for about 3 years on and off. He was the closest thing to a father figure that Sienna had. Laura and her ex broke up a little over a year ago and have remained friends. He asked, in spite of the breakup, to stay in Sienna’s life and Laura obliged. The ex and Sienna have a great bond and I’m not interested in interfering with that. When Laura and I started dating, I sent an email to him to say how much I admired his willingness to stick around for Sienna instead of just running off. I asked if we could all sit down for coffee and meet face to face, but he refused.

After my email to him, he’s been somewhat hostile to me. He’s also been showing signs of bitterness and jealousy towards our relationship and engagement. She and I have already had multiple talks about setting up boundaries that everyone needs to respect, but during a recent argument, I found out that she had been texting him about some personal issues she and I were having. I felt betrayed. I don’t think her ex should be involved in our personal issues, no matter how small. She admitted she was wrong, apologized, and promised that it would never happen again.

Today, I dropped in on her at work just to say hello and her ex walked in behind me bringing her lunch. (She works about 30 minutes from where we live and her ex lives down the street from us.) After he left, she sensed that I wasn’t entirely uncomfortable with the situation and said “He was on the way back from errands and offered to bring me something to eat. He didn’t drive all the way out here just to bring me lunch.”

She’s said that if he were to leave,she feels like she’d be losing a good friend. It’s not the “guy friend” part of this that bugs me as much as the “I’m friends with a jealous ex”.

I completely trust that she’s not sleeping with him, I trust that she loves me as much as she says she does, but I can’t shake this feeling like there are boundaries that he’s crossing that she’s not willing to address because she doesn’t want to lose “a friend”. Am I justified in being uneasy about this or am I being overly jealous?

[TheArtistsTechnique]

The only way you will trust him being around her is if you can get to know him. The fact that he won’t do that, seems sketchy. The fact that he’s jealous seems like he hasn’t let go of her, but she has let go of him. The bottom line is can you trust her? That’s what mostly matters. If you aren’t worried she will cheat on you, then who cares what that guy does or not, only what she does matters.

Your finance sounds like she just doesn’t want to loose him as a supportive person to lean on. She’s engaged to you so obviously you win when it comes to who she wants to be with.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re justified — and jealous. You took the high road by writing this ex boyfriend of your fiance to tell him you appreciate his relationship with your soon to be step-daughter, and you did everything right by inviting him out to lunch. HIs reaction was a flashing red light. He is trying to shut you out. The truth is: You are going to be this little girl’s stepfather and a hugely important figure in her life. For him to rebuff her step-father is to rebuff the little girl. He may not see it that way because he doesn’t have the maturity to do so, but mostly, he doesn’t have the little girl’s best interests at heart. If he did, he’d want to make her life smooth, consistent and rich by accepting your invitation of friendship.

Your fiance has to put you and your stepdaughter first and foremost — ahead of any friendship she has with anyone else — in order to make this blended family work. If she’s not willing to do it, she’s going to create chaos for her daughter and for her marriage.

I think you need to be very clear with her that she needs to take a few steps back to get a better perspective on the situation. Right now, she’s just thinking of herself and losing a friend who’s supportive (and probably still in love with her on some level). She needs to understand that marriage and blending a family legally is a bigger commitment than anything she’s done to date. If she’s not ready to have YOU be the most important man in her daughter’s life (since the girl’s father is pretty much gone), then she has to take responsibility for the fact that she’s going into a marriage on shaky ground and is doing wrong by her daughter.

I trust that she’ll listen to you and that while this may take some time for her to process, your consistency and firm boundaries about this guy, are going to be what she will come to appreciate and honor as you become the man of the house.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go.

I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Mot352]

Thanks for the feedback! It is much appreciated.

After I posted this, Laura’s ex invited both of them to dinner while I was at work. Laura let Sienna go, but declined the invitation since it was last minute and she hadn’t discussed the plans with me before going. I felt like it was a huge step in the right direction. I was pretty happy knowing that she considered my feelings first before making her decision. (She told me she was extremely hungry too! 😆 ) I would’ve said it was absolutely okay for her to tag along with them had we talked about it first, but she saw the risk of hurt feelings and decided against going.

Did I mention that I’m head over heels for this girl? 😉 I found a good one with her. Even though we each have kids from previous relationships, neither one of us has been married. We’ve never found the “right one” until now. So shady ex-boyfriends or not, we have a great relationship (kids included) and we can’t wait to get married!!

Thanks again for the advice! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help.

You’re right — your fiance DID take a step in the right direction. Next time, YOU be the one to pick up the little girl from her visit with this ex-boyfriend. Don’t have your fiance warn her ex — just show up to pick up your future step daughter. Eventually, this ex is going to have to make peace with your part in this child’s life. In addition, reward your fiance for her appropriate behavior which casts a vote for your relationship with her. Flowers work. Jewelry is always a crowd pleaser — whatever you choose, make sure she knows from your behavior, how much you appreciate this building block towards your future together.

In addition, now is the time to step up your own role as a father to this little girl and when you see something that is inappropriate going on in her life, do the right thing for her.

Good luck! I’m rooting for you all.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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