[rkc971]

This is my first time posting and it feels a little strange, but I feel like I have no one else to talk to about my situation, so here goes…

I am a married man and have 5 children. My marriage has always been very rocky and unfulfilling, and although we have tried counseling many many times, for me it will always be empty of Love. 4 years ago I met what I would consider my soul mate. I fell in love with this woman the first minute I met her and despite every effort I gave to deny it, I have never felt like this ever in my life. She was also married at the time and eventually our relationship progressed into an affair. Neither of us were happy, and did not feel good about any of it. She broke it off to try to fix her marriage and eventually she divorced. Over the next year or so, we became involved on and off again, but I could not find the courage to do what my heart wanted and leave my children. My wife knows about her, and has caught me several times but I lie and tell her that I am the one being pursued and each time she believes me. She watches everything I do and controls every minute of our lives. I have tried repeatedly to fix my own marriage because I did not want to hurt my children, but no matter what I do I cannot let this woman go. I have lied and hurt everyone in my family and continue to pretend that I am happy. I should be happy because I have everything, money, home, family, etc… but it is all empty. But I still could not commit to her and about a year ago, she severed our relationship for good. I have reached out to her many times and each time she tells me that although she loves me, she will not be my mistress. That if I want to be with her then I need to make the changes to my life to do so.
The problem is I am a coward. My family is very domineering and they were all so disappointed in me when my wife told them about the affair. They have all told me that they will not support me if I get a divorce and that a divorce will distroy my children. I cannot bear to hurt my children so I continue to live empty and pretend everything is ok. Most days I pray that I just get hit by a truck so that I can be relieved from this pain. Do you think I am doing the right thing? I keep telling myself that I can live without love because I have my children, but can I live like this forever? Please help me!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What are the problems you’re having in your marriage that keep you from having the kind of intimacy you want? You’ve talked a lot about your misery and a lot about a woman you can’t have and the pain you’re causing your family, but you haven’t really described the problems you have in your marriage.

Is it your marriage that is empty? Or is it your own personal life that is missing something?

Let me know and I’ll help you further. 🙂

[rkc971]

We have been through years of counseling and all kinds of therapy but I just do not love my wife. I love her and respect her because she is the mother of my children, but it has never been a great realationship. I just am not attracted to her in any way, and as I have found out through therapy, I really never have been. I have always known it, but we just do not connect. I just didn’t realize the extent of what I was missing until I met the other woman. She was my best friend and I was able to really be myself for the first time in my life with her.

No one understands this and so I live empty because I do not have the courage to leave my kids. I think that I am going crazy because no matter what I try, I cannot move on or let go of what I cannot have. I know I am a coward and that I deserve to me miserable because of it.

Thanks

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It would be great if you could think of yourself as a hero and not a coward. Staying in a marriage for the sake of your children is not cowardly. It’s actually very heroic.

Clearly, you made a mistake in marrying your wife, and then having four children with her, but now that you have….it’s time to change your attitude and stop being a victim. You don’t have to live a lie. Accept that you made a mistake, but now that you have children, you’re going to devote your life to making the best of what you have.

If you see yourself as a victim, you’ll be one. If you see yourself as a hero, you’ll walk that walk and be one.

I really hope that helps, and that you can turn your attitude around. Let me know how it goes, and follow me @AskAprilcom (no dot!) as well as on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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