[Buyviagonli]

I didn’t want to end up this way, but I am begging. I am begging for help, from people I don’t know, with something that I’m sure no one else cares about. I need advice, or an answer, or something, and I’d really appreciate it if someone, anyone, would at least give me maybe two minutes of their time to try and help me, with something that means the world to me, and something that has the chance to effect the rest of my life. I don’t want to give my identity, because for one, I am a very self-conscious person, I worry way too much about what other people think of me, and I don’t want anyone to know who I am. I’m shy, I guess. The second reason is because I don’t want a certain, special person to find out about this, because if she were to find out, all of this would be pointless. Yes, I said she, and I am a guy, who needs relationship help. We are just friends, her and I, and we always have been, since the day we met. The day we met is still the greatest day I’ve ever had, it was not only the day I met her, the most perfect girl I could never even imagine, it was the day I discovered music. Before that day, I never really understood it. “Music, what is the point?” I had thought. I didn’t understand it, now that I look back. When I thought of music, I thought of catchy tunes, and the annoying music my parents would play in the car everywhere we went. But that day, I had a revelation, I discovered the music that inspired dreams, the music that helped me fall asleep at night, the music that reminded me of what life is all about. I discovered the music that was me, the music that fit my personality, not the mainstream pop music that you hear all the time on the radio, I’m talking about the hidden music, the music no one listens to, except for those who share my characteristics, and my values. She listened to the music that was me. She was just like me. She was perfect, she still is perfect. We talked for about two months straight, after the day we met. We talked about anything and everything you could possible think of. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. She was my best friend, and I’d like to think that she considered me her best friend too. But, we had never actually met in-person, because we met accidentally online, and she went to a neighboring school district. So, we decided one day, that we would go to the movies, just as friends, of course, and to ease the awkwardness, we would each bring one other good friend of ours. I brought my best guy friend, and she brought her best gal friend, and we all went to the movies. It was still a pretty strange event, to be honest. We all sort of kept to ourselves, but it was still fun, I thought. It was a huge step in the right direction, I thought. About three days later, I found out that my best guy friend who I brought to the movies with me, and her best gal friend, that she had brought with her, had fallen for each other. They started dating, and now, everything started going downhill from there. Not only was the tension between our “just friendship” raised substantially, because both of our best friends were going out, my guy friend started pressuring me to ask her out, and her best gal friend started pressuring her to be with me. Now, of course, that’s exactly what I wanted, to be in a relationship with her, but I liked the pace we were going, slowly liking each other more and more with each passing minute of everyday, I thought about her every time I tied my shoe, every time I stopped to look at the clouds, because she was everything in my eyes, the perfect friend, and the perfect individual, even if she didn’t think she was. Who am I kidding? Still, to this very moment, she is a part of who I am, and everything I say. I truly believe she completes me, and she makes me a better person just by making me smile more often than I normally would. However, the pressure was too great, and I liked her so much, I finally had to try it. I asked her out, but was rejected, for understandable reasons. She didn’t think her parents would like the idea of her dating, and when I thought about it some more, I didn’t think my parents would like it much either, so we both decided we would continue being friends until the time came. You’d think everything would be fine then, right? Wrong, after that little incident, everything started spiraling out of control, in a fiasco caused mainly by my own mistakes. I started to like her too much, I started to care about her too much, and yes, that’s possible. Instead of daydreaming of how beautiful I think she is, and what an amazing person she is, I started worrying about what could happen to her. I worried she would get hit by a car, or get in a fist-fight, and all these other stupid fantasies that would probably never come true. I am not a normal person, unfortunately, because I have anxiety. Every little negative event in my life sends me into a fit of panic, a fear for the worst, and yet I am normally able to cope with it, due to the frequency of the events. This time was different. She was different from anything and anyone else. She was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, and therefore, she caused the most worrying. I was a wreck, an emotional train wreck, everything that was said set me off, and I was so upset and sad over nothing at all. It began to ruin our friendship, it seemed, and it happened more, and more, as the months went by, and yet I still considered her an incredible person, and I think she thought of me the same way too. Then, I made the most terrible, and horrible mistake of my life, on one night, after I got overly dramatic and upset. I couldn’t handle it anymore, the constant worrying about her safety, constantly worrying about what she thought of me, I worried and I worried, until I snapped. I cut off all connections with her. She was gone. She was no longer a part of my life, not counting the memories, and every part of her that was now part of me. It was an impulse decision, and once I made it, I couldn’t go back. I fell into depression, weeks past, I hadn’t heard a thing from her, and yet everyday, I thought of her, the memories, but I didn’t want to go back. She didn’t deserve to be bothered by my presence, I was nothing but a hindrance to her life, an annoyance, and she would be better off without me. Those were my thoughts. A couple more weeks past, I was feeling as bad as ever, when I woke up one day to something I had never thought of. If I don’t live my life to the fullest now, when will I? I can only have one chance at life, and I need to take it now. I need to find her again, I need to be her friend again, if she accepts me again. I need to do what makes me happy, because if I never try to get her back again, I might end up wondering what could have been. So, that’s what I did. I found her, apologized sincerely about all that I had done, and what I had put her through. I apologized for not realizing how much I really need her, and I said sorry for ending our friendship, unthinkingly, abruptly, and in the most immature manner. Even after this, things are not the same. I have made the biggest mistake of my life, by leaving her behind, in a selfish act of childish naivete, I gave her up just because I was afraid to care, afraid to be a man, and to be the one she could talk to anytime she felt blue. Today, we are friends again, but not best friends. We don’t talk to each other once everyday now, more like once every week. I still like her, very, very, much. But, I don’t think she trusts me, or likes me for who I am anymore, and there is no one to blame but me. Why? Why did I do that? Why did I let things turn out this way? Why couldn’t I have been grateful for things as they were, instead of throwing them away, for this? I don’t want to feel like this, this is not what I wanted, this is no less than awful. So I’ll ask again. Why? I know why. It’s me. It’s the kind of person I am, no matter who I want to be. It’s me. I’ll have to accept the fact that I can never escape myself, so I give up. I give up trying to win her back again, to get her to like me again. I’ve beaten myself, by being myself, unintentionally, unconsciously, unwillingly. I don’t like who I am, but I’m going to have to learn to like it, because I have an entire life left to live, and there’s no escaping the person you are inside. I give up. Have I made the right decision? I want her to be happy, and I think she would be more happy without me. So please, let me know, have I made the right decision? I will always care about her, and I promised myself I would die before liking another girl, so if it’s not her, it’s a lonely life for me. It appears as if I’m trapped in a lonely life, with no way out. I honestly don’t think there is anything I can do, I screwed up, and now I am paying for my actions. Perhaps I’ve always known this, and I am only posting this online to share my story with others, but I don’t know, what do you think? Living a lonely life will be miserable, but I could live that way if I needed to, as long as she is happy, somewhere, somehow, with someone else…

[Ask April Masini]

You’re being overly dramatic. Life is what you make it. If you choose to live a lonely life, that’s your poor choice. If you choose to live an interesting life, that’s your better choice! 😉

You need to start realizing that there are people out there with REAL problems. I suggest you start volunteering in a cancer clinic or at an orphanage or in a hospital HELPING people. You can help in an animal shelter or serve your country, your church, or your political party — there are lots of places that need help, and you can provide that help, and let go of your commitment to loneliness at the same time. 😀

You can’t control if other people like you or not (get over yourself! 😆 ) but you can control your own behavior. I hope you’ll choose to get out of the house and interact with people who benefit from your company. It’s a great way to live. 🙂

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