[KAT62]

The man I’ve been living with for 5 years is married to a woman that lives in another state. She and his daughter moved 8-10 years ago for educational issues for their daughter (he also happened to be going through alcohol recovery at the time). His job requires a lot of travel so he would drive 3 hours one way every weekend to be “home”. We started a relationship through work and it escalated to living together and him still going “home” on weekends to “see his daughter”. His daughter intercepted a few text messages and now the wife knows.

Had conversations about his divorce, his platform for remaining married is his relationship with his daughter since she seems to “hate him” and not tolerating life well since she found out about the affair, and not been a great dad with work travel and alcohol addiction. He is willing to do “whatever it takes” for his daughter and him to bond. The issue is “whatever it takes” is him going on vacations with his wife and daughter after I’ve told him this is a hard line that I can’t cross. He planned a trip with his daughter to the beach for 3 days. I suspected his wife going and asked about which he denied. He’s has lied to me on occasion (of coarse) after some investigation I found she had gone. I told him I knew and that I wanted to end the relationship, which isn’t the first time. I’m angry and want to retaliate and tell his wife about us living together. My question Is he held to any consequences of his behavior and lies to me or do I just let it go?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve been with a married man for a long time now, and you’ve been living with him for five years, knowing he’s married. His wife found out, his daughter is upset, he’s trying to make it work with them and keep you in the game, too. You figured out that he lied to you about his wife joining him and his daughter on a family vacation. I’m pretty sure there are other lies, as well. This is a guy who keeps a lot of plates spinning on sticks — to keep them from crashing down.

You’re mad. I get it. Anyone would. But…. you’re not really mad at him. I think you’re mad at yourself. You made a bad bet when you convinced yourself that he would be true to you — while married to another woman. 😕 Now, you want to lash out at his wife because you can’t get him to change. Again — I get it. But it’s not going to help you. The number of ways that scenario can go wrong is in the double digits. Besides, why hurt her simply because you’re hurt? Why not do something to make yourself feel better for the long run?

If you choose to stay with this guy, know that you will never come first. Since he’s an addict, his relationship with whatever makes him feel good (alcohol or some substitute) will always be ahead of you. Next will be his daughter. Then his daughter’s mother. Then, if you’re lucky, it’ll be you — but there are probably other relationships in between him and you that will push you further back down the line. But if you’re okay with that reality, then stay. If you’re not, and you want to be first, then you have to choose someone who will put you first. Don’t blame him… he’s being himself and he’s giving you clarity — even with his lies. Take responsibility for your own choices and make one that is truly in your best interest that will bring you happiness and peace. 🙂

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