[shart]

Hello. I’ve been with this girl for 5 years now. Last year she went to work in another country for 5 months, we communicated over Skype, mail, etc. and I also went to visit her once there. After she came back, very soon she started “cooling down”, but didn’t want to talk about it. Only once, she had a “breakdown” and cried about not wanting to lose me. This year she had to go back there, she will work there for next 3-4 years. I was supposed to also come there, find a job and live with her. During all this time she was quite distant, and although I already visited her there again, and we communicate almost daily, she finally recently admitted that she’s “cooling down” and she’s been thinking about a breakup. She’s not sure about anything yet, but still she doesn’t want to say what are the issues and problems that were/are causing her to think like this, and I’m not sure what do, because maybe it can be fixed, and maybe it can’t but I’m helpless until she says what those issues are. What can I do?

Thanx.

[AskApril Masini]

Long distance relationships are difficult and just because you had a great in town relationship doesn’t mean that you can make a long distance relationship work. In other words, in town relationships don’t automatically become working long distance relationships.

Since the relationship has changed drastically, with her moving out of the country, my advice is to reevaluate it for what it is now, not what it was when you lived in the same country. It sounds like she’s pretty much cut off communication with you if she won’t tell you what’s bothering her. This means she’s not interested in addressing issues between the two of you, and she’s already considering herself as a separate entity, instead of wanting to work things through with you.

The problems I can see from what you’ve written are: After dating for five years, the question of why you’re not engaged, is on my mind. And only visiting each other once in five months doesn’t seem like a plan for a relationship that’s going to thrive, long distance. My advice is to make another trip and spend time with her to figure out what’s going on, and if this relationship is feasible or not. But if it isn’t, then you’ll have to let go and move on since she’s going to be living abroad for three more years, at least.

I hope that helps.

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[shart]

Thank you for your quick reply, yes it does.

One thing I didn’t mention so it came of worst than it was is that she was never a talkative person (with anyone) when it comes to problems (no matter what they’re related to, job, relationships, friends, etc.), more of a “go with the flow”, “whatever happens – happens”, “people can’t change” person, not too focused on reevaluation, etc., as are most people in her family. I had a hard time understanding it first, and over the time learned to live with it, but in this situation, it makes it pretty hard.

As far as engagement is concerned, we we’re in fact talking about it, that we could do it when we both get secure jobs (I was supposed to start looking for a job as soon as I get there long term, which was supposed to be this year).

I wanted to visit her more often last year, but at that point money was a big problem for me, but since then, I planned it out, brought some money together so it doesn’t happen again and this year (she’s there almost three months) I was already there once, and planning to go again next month, and at least once more till the end of the year, and she’ll be coming home also for holidays, so I will try to figure out the things you mentioned.

The few things she told me were that she’s still not sure of anything, said she wouldn’t like to rush into a breakup too soon, she’s not sure if it’s maybe just a long phase, and thinks that the distance is a major problem – which it is, but not unsolvable, so (maybe it’s just my positive thinking) but I believe there is something left “saving”, so I would be very happy to hear your opinion on it, and maybe an advice or two.

Thank you again for your kind words and help.

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

[shart]

28 and 25.

[shart]

I’m 28 and she’s 25.

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you for the extra information. 🙂 Since you say that she’s 25 years old, and the two of you have been together for 5 years, she’s spent most of her dating years with you, and now that she’s moved to another country and the two of you aren’t seeing each other frequently, and there is no engagement on the table, it sounds like she’s using the opportunity away to see what else is out there. I’m sure that this is upsetting to hear, but you probably already know this, and it’s better to deal with reality than put it off and waste time.

If you’re invested in the idea of moving there, getting a job and proposing marriage, this is the moment to do so. You said you were talking about moving there this year, but the year is more than half over, and she may be thinking you’re not taking the relationship seriously because you haven’t jumped on the move. But understand at this point, it is a risk because she’s giving you the heads up that she’s interested in seeing what else is out there — if not directly, then in the subtext.

I hope that helps.

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[shart]

Thank you for the extra advice 🙂

Funny enough, she’s been dating alot of guys before me, I’m her third “longer” relationship that I know of.

You are right, I am aware of what could be/maybe is happening, but unfortunately (or fortunately for me), I’m almost 100% sure there are no “other possibilities” in mind, or at least, not definite ones, even more so, I’m afraid the problem is more focused one that I might be to blame for forgetting about the “sexy” part of the relationship, I had chances at work that I was very much focused on, and they all unfortunately “blew away”…

Whatever it’s supposed to mean, in the last few days I’ve been “cooled down” myself, and started getting at least some positive response back, not drastic, but more than in a while, and also, she invited me to “talk about it” soon enough, in fact, next month she’s coming to a wedding to her home town, and she invited me to come there to here family house to talk about it… now, this is giving me MORE THAN ENOUGH mixed ideas… I mean, “come to talk to me, let’s see if it all makes sense to continue – in my hometown, in front of my parents, together – after – or on somebody’s wedding”…

I’m sorry if I sound boring, but I’m getting more confused from second to second, but I believe you understand me…

P.S.
I am interested, and now I can “jump on the move”, I just didn’t want to threaten our (financial etc.) future, but now I am ready to do it, I just hope it isn’t too late… If it is, ok, but a try would be worth it…

[AskApril Masini]

Good luck to you!

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