[sonita]

My boyfriend and I are living in two different countries. The first time we met was a year and half ago when he was in my hometown as a tourist. We went out several times and I showed him around the city. Soon we fell for each other and decided to continue our relationship even after his departure, via the internet. After a few months he came back to my country to meet my parents. He rented an apartment here so I could see him everyday at his place. He stayed for a month and so. After that we went on two trips overseas together. It took altogether 3 weeks and he paid for everything as I didn’t have much money. We really had a great time, but he thinks trips are so ideal and people still cannot get to know each other that well; They need to see each other in real life. I think he’s right and I agreed to move to his hometown and live with him. I failed getting a tourist visa though. After consulting with different lawyers we realized that the only possible way for us is to get a fiance visa which allows me to stay with him for 9 months, but we are supposed to get married at the end of this period according to the immigration laws, and if we don’t I just have to leave the country.
We are really attracted to each other, and it’s the first time that I’m deeply in love with a guy. I think I’ve found the right person and he has everything I was looking for in a man. He also has the same feeling towards me and he says I’m his first love as he was never involved in a long-term relationship before. We are so desperate to meet again but these problems are in our way:
1. He has become so concerned about financial matters recently, he wants to stay at his job and save more money for the next six months. So he can’t come to my country anymore as it costs him heaps and he’ll lose his job.
2. He says he loves me so much BUT he is not ready for marriage yet. He is the same age as me, 27.
3. The visa process may take long. There were people who waited 8-12 months. We (especially him) don’t want to wait so long without being able to meet during that time.

10 days ago, I thought we’d better to break up if there is nothing to do, but he asked me not to, he gave me hope about making things alright and he said he will do the fiance visa no matter what. However, he hasn’t done anything about it yet and the only thing he says is that he is so pessimist about it and he is kind of sure it would take at least one year! Sometimes he talks contradictory. I can’t understand what really goes on on his mind! It’s a very tough situation for both of us. But I don’t like to be hopeful about something that is not gonna happen and left heart broken at the end. I wanna know if this guy is really serious about our relationship or not? What do you think about his intentions in general?
Do you have any suggestions for saving this relationship and leading it into a better phase?

Thank you

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m going to tell you what I think you already know, and need to hear from a third party. 😉 He loves you, but he doesn’t want to marry you — he’s come right out and said it. It’s your move — and my advice is that you be very practical about your time and what it is you want in life. If you want a monogamous relationship that leads to marriage, and the guy you’re with is honest enough to tell you he isn’t ready for marriage, believe him and move on. It sounds like the “fiancé visa”, with which I’m not familiar, is a distraction and a bad idea. So I’d let that one go. The thing is, if you know what you want, which is crucial for a happy, healthy relationship with anyone, it’s important to find someone who is compatible. Men can love you, and you, them, but it doesn’t mean you’re compatible. He’s not ready for marriage, and I think you have to respect that, as he will respect your decision to know your mind and move on.

I hope that helps.

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[sonita]

Dear April,

I gave him one month time, but it turned out that he won’t do the fiance visa. A day after my birthday, he mentioned that he can’t wait so long to see me again, he is a man and he has desires, and although he loves me, he needs to sleep with other women. It was really hard for me to hear these. He suggested that we stay 10 days apart from each other that we can think about our relationship. I don’t know about him but since then I’ve had such a hard time. I’ve cried almost everyday and now I feel awfully angry, miserable and nervous. I’m a total wreck!

Today is the 10th day, but as I sent him an email saying I need to talk to him he said he doesn’t feel like talking, maybe later!
Being ignored hurt me even more. My heart and pride is broken.

what should I do with my life? I feel so depressed and helpless 😥
please help me.

It is my second serious relationship that is ending in failure. I’m 28 and I feel miserable that I’m still lonely. I always thought that I found the love and he is the one but …🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re sad. Break ups hurt, and the best way to get through the hurt is to gain a better understanding of what happened, why, and what you can do differently next time around, to improve your chances at finding Mr. Right. 😉

Clearly, this is over, and the fact that you’ve had two failed relationships at age 28, doesn’t mean you will fail forever. I just means you had two, and you can get ready for success next time around. Here are some tips:

* Dating is a process. You may have made a mistake in committing too soon with him. Use the first three months of dating anyone, to get to know him and decide if you want to continue. Assume he’s doing the same, and instead of being jealous, be happy that you’re both making sure that you’re doing your homework and finding the right person.

* Use the second three months of dating to decide if you’re going to be monogamous. This time frame gives you a chance to avoid rush and instead, focus on the relationship, who you are, who he is, and who you are together. 😉

* Compatibility is important. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you’re compatible.

* And finally, if a guy says he doesn’t want to get married, or that he doesn’t want to marry you — believe him, and don’t try to convince him otherwise. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache.

Do yourself a favor and buy [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], for yourself. It’s a great time for you to reboot your life, and this book will be a good start: [url]https://askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

Hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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