[capri2010]

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for 18 months. He’s British and lives in London and I’m American and live in Arizona. We met while he was on a road trip through the states and after keeping in touch online he came back out to AZ to visit. Fortunately, it wasn’t a problem for me to take time off with my last job so consequently, I flew out to London three times while he was able to fly out to see me in AZ once. I then quit my job and moved in with my boyfriend who found a place for us outside of London and I was there for 2.5 months. It was absolutely wonderful being with him everyday but then as originally planned, I had to come home since I was unable to work there, etc. I was hoping that he would propose while I was there but we talked about it and he said he had no doubts about marrying me, it was just moving permanently to another country that he was hesitant about. He had lived in California for a year during university and loved it but said he wasn’t sure how’d he do being away from England on a more permanent basis.

I was a bit upset about that but understood. Anyway, I came back home, found a job and have been working there for a little over 2 months. He’s flown out to see me recently and I was really hoping this time he’d propose but again he said he didn’t want it to feel forced and that he’d always thought he’d live together with someone longer before proposing since it’s one of the biggest decisions in a person’s life. I understood but since I was little, I’d always hoped to be married or at least engaged before I lived with someone long-term. Just going out to England for the 2.5 months and living together was difficult for me to get my head around.

Now, we’ve both come to the point where we need to see each other everyday. He doesn’t feel comfortable quitting his job and moving to America for 3 months where he can’t legally work, especially since he is the male and traditionally the “supporter.” So I can either quit my job again and move out to be with him for about 5 months (again, not able to work) or keep my job and visit for a week sometime before the end of the year. I’ve told him how I feel about engagement and living together again and I wouldn’t commit to moving out there unless he could guarantee a proposal before the end of the year. Although he said he is very close to proposing, he doesn’t want it to feel forced…I trust him and love him but a part of me feels as if I should stand my ground and wait until I receive a proposal before sacrificing my life over here again to be with him. I feel if I am worth it to him then he should want to make me happy and commit to me as he says he wants to, before I move. Is that asking too much in this situation?
Thank you so much for any advice!!

[Ask April Masini]

The problem is that you’re doing the chasing. This never sits well with men. 🙁 Men want to be the ones to please you and win you over. By telling him you need to be engaged, as he’s told you specifically: you’re forcing him into a corner and you’re taking away the opportunity for him to feel like the man he wants to be. Think about it from his point of view and I think you’ll see that it’s much better for him if he gets to propose to whoever he wants to propose to when he wants to.

I know you want what YOU want, but he’s not on the same page as you are. You’re trying to “bend” him into someone he’s not on a time schedule he’s just not on. If you don’t want to move in with him without a proposal then don’t do it. But don’t blame him for not wanting the same thing you do at the exact same time. He’s not doing anything wrong — and frankly, you’re not wrong in wanting what you’re wanting, but when you pick a guy who can’t give you what you want, it’s all going to backfire.

You may have feelings, but recognize that they’re YOUR feelings — not his. You have to give him a little respect and see who he really is. So, don’t do anything. Don’t go visit him; don’t live with him; don’t invite him to visit you again. Let him be the one who lets you know what the schedule is for this relationship and if it works for you, then great, and if it doesn’t, you may need to reconsider the relationship.

I hope that helps, and I do help you’ll join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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