[Anonymous]

I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend since December 2007. She told me from the beginning that she didn’t think she could move and didn’t want to probably live with a dog (I have a boxer.) As time went on, I thought she would change her mind so we kept on. She was abused as a child, had a bad family life with no support from her parents and is an alcoholic. She just got her 3rd dui this year and she got her license suspended for 1 yr. She is very high strung and insecure about things and I am very laid back and nonchalant. We bicker often about her drinking, her inability to get help and on and on. She has gone to 2 or 3 therapists but says they don’t help her.
Her mom just died this year and she shunned all of her friends and family except for her abusive step dad. she has become kind of a recluse.. She says she is in love with me and wants to be with me. After her mom died she said that she could move and din’t care about staying at her home now etc etc. Now she says she has to reconsider living with a dog again??? She never got any attention as a kid so she likes when others give her compliments and I think that’s weird. She has a problem seeing when a situation might be inappropriate with another woman/man giving her compliments and/or drinking with her. She claims she just wants others to be ‘nice’ to her? She calls me controlling but I’m not. She hasn’t gotten help in all of this time for her drinking and I am afraid to make such a big move for someone who is verbally abusive at times and is severely depressed so we recently split up after 3 1/2 years. I need to know if i should stay in touch with her or make her see how life is without me. She turned me into an enabler for her alcoholism and since i had never dated someone with an addiction, i tried to love her deeply and thought that would make her see that it was worth getting help but nothing has worked. i do love her but am so torn. I need to protect myself from her alcoholism but don’t have a desire to find anyone else b/c i love her.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m not sure how old you are, but you sound like you are a grown up who has the faculties to take care of himself. Please note that everything you’ve said about this woman spells trouble. But you need to stop blaming her for “turning you into an enabler.” Trust me, you did that all by yourself.

She isn’t healthy and she isn’t getting help. Three DUIs and a suspended license are the tip of the iceberg, I suspect. Move on and focus on YOUR need to rescue someone. 😳 This time around find a woman who is healthy and living productively. It’s fine to say you love her, but clearly you can’t be in a healthy relationship with her because she’s not committed to health, so try and love someone who will not get multiple DUIs, be verbally abusive and reject help.

Three years is a really long time to be with Ms. Wrong. I hope that you’ll find someone who can meet you halfway — and who loves dogs! 🙂

Let me know how things go — I hope I’ve helped you some. And join me on Facebook. I’d love to see you there. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

thanks,,i’m actually a woman..and she was my partner. I just feel like she is loaded with excuses..like she went to aa but everyone is too religious there, her therapists didn’t work, and she has said she won’t do rehab. i suppose me letting her be was the right thing. i started enabling her b/c i love her so much and wanted to protect and help her but i realized i was making things worse. i never even knew an alcoholic let alone dated one..i thought love would save the day but it won’t.
should i keep in touch with her or not talk to her to see if that sparks her to want to get help? another thing is, she drives on a suspended license to grocery store etc but when i talk about her getting help..she say…oh that s not fair, i can t drive to get there
!! she picks and chooses where she drives!!!! ughhhhh
and to think, i was thinking of having her move by me or move to a new state with her..hmm

[Ask April Masini]

Sorry about the gender mistake. However, it’s the same advice regardless! 😉

I don’t advise staying in touch with her. Tell her that you can’t be part of her life as long as she doesn’t get the help she needs for her disease. Driving on a suspended license is just one of the ways she ignores doing the right thing, and trust me — it’s not going to be the last. You may feel love for her, but she won’t return it. She can’t. Right now she isn’t capable of taking care of herself, let alone anyone else.

Find someone who is able to give you the love you want to give and who wants to be in a healthy relationship that will bring you both love, companionship, romance and everything else that is good! 🙂

Please join me on Facebook – I’d love to have you there as a member at AskApril.com on Facebook. Here’s the link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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