[Calichu12]

Just for reference, I’m 19. The guy is 21.
I met a guy online quite some time ago, and after awhile of talking it was clear we both had feelings for one another. We had established some sort of relationship and met a few times (diff. States) well he got a job 2 months ago so i get if he’s busy but i got 1 msg every 2 days he said he was busy. But in the past he promised that if he didnt love me he wouldnt spend so much time talking and if we both care we wont drift (Ive had my fears). Well after a few days of no response i sent him a msg saying I understood, that I couldn’t do it I was done. I dont even think hes seen it yet, its been a month. I want closure, I want truth but I cry constantly over this. I feel like it’s my fault if he gave up. I really do love him.. so should I just delete old pics/msgs and try to forget cause I know dwelling is doing no good. If not that, what else is there to do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How long has it been since you first met him on the internet, and how, on the internet did you meet him?

If you can answer those questions, they will help me help you. 😉

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[Calichu12]

I met him online about 3 years ago and how: he had a facebook page for starting out a business sort of thing with special affects makeup he does and I was looking for people that could do it well, there was a link to his personal account and I was just asking for information on what he has dne professionaly, and we just started talking.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you met a guy online three years ago, and you’ve gotten together a couple of times. Now, he’s not showing you the type of attention you want and you’re hurt. I get it. 😳 The problem is that he’s just not that into you — and you’ve invested a lot of emotional energy in someone who you only see about once a year, if that. 🙁

It sounds like he may have been dating other people because at his age, 21, he’d probably want more face to face contact than just once a year. I can’t really tell from what you’ve written if the two of you were actually dating or not. Given all that, I think that the closure you DO have is that he’s not contacting you. It’s not very nice closure — but it IS closure. When you say you want closure, I think what you want is an explanation for his disappearing act. The more important thing is that he has disappeared. In relationships, you don’t always get what you want, but you do get to make decisions about what you’re going to do.

My advice to you is to let go of your feelings for him and focus on someone who lives much closer to you so you can actually date a guy in real life, often and get to know him better. 😉

I’m sorry you’re hurt, but sometimes when one door closes, another one opens. You’re now free to meet Mr. Right, and if you felt attached to this other guy, you wouldn’t. 🙂

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[Calichu12]

But the thing his, I’ve met him various times, a few of which for weeks at a time. And I doubt the whole him dating other girls thing because having met his friends and him himself, I heard about some of his past relationships and related subjects. He wasnt the type of guy to get many girls, he was more the friendzoned one and he had been hurt many times, and from every preference I heard from his friends and a family member of his, he’s the most honest person so the thought that he could see any other girl while being in a relationship with me, is nearly impossible. He seemed geuine, and everyone that met him through me agreed- and they rarely agreed with a guy I thought was amazing. And how he could tell his friends, his family and others that he was with me, it’s harder to believe he would be unfaithful. I’m sorry for being so difficult, I truly am. ): Just, none of it adds up to me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not being difficult for me. 😉 I know that this is a tough situation for you.

Let me try again: What you have to do is step back and see what you [i]really[/i] had with him. Then you have to put yourself in his shoes, not just yours, and understand what he’s thinking about this.

The facts that you’ve told me are that over the course of three years, you’ve never really dated. When a guy is really interested in a woman, he dates her. He wants to impress her. He takes her out and shows her off. In fact in your first post you were very vague about defining the relationship. You called it, “some sort of a relationship”. As a reader, listening to you, it doesn’t sound like this was very serious. If it was, you’d know it, and you’d be able to call him your boyfriend. I think that things are vague because he was vague with you.

I know you’re telling me that you saw him more than the “few times” you first stated, and now you’re saying you met “various times”. Still vague. I now understand that several of those “few times” were for weeks at a time, but over the course of three years, that doesn’t necessarily mean he was serious about you. 😥

The bottom line is that he’s stopped communicating with you. Whether you argue that you saw him a lot, or that you meant a lot to him, he’s not acting like that right now. He’s lost interest and moved on. You’re absolutely entitled to tell me I’m wrong — that he wasn’t seeing anyone else, but think about it: Most 21 year old men want to have female companionship more than a few weeks out of a year. What he said is one thing. What he does is another. You’re not alone trying to figure out why there’s a gap between what he said and what he did — but I always advise people that when there is this gap to trust his behavior over his words. In addition to which, even if a guy IS dating a girl who lives out of town, and he only sees her a few weeks out of the year, it isn’t really cheating for him to be dating other people, unless the two of you had a specific understanding that he wouldn’t and you wouldn’t. It doesn’t sound from what you’ve written, that that’s what happened. The fears that you mentioned you had were your instincts kicking in. If you are seeing a guy who you only date or meet up with about once a year, you should assume he’s dating other women. If you do, you won’t have fears, you’ll understand how men operate. 😉

I hope that helps. 😉

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[Calichu12]

I probably should have specified that by a few times and a sort of relationship, I was referring to near when we first admitted feelings, simply because I wasn’t going to get too involved with someone I had never met. After a couple times of meeting him, I had agreed to a relationship- set lines and all that neither of us were or would see any other people. That’s mainly why I’m so confused, there was nothing said about our relationship being over, actually that we were going to take it up a notch.
but regardless of that, I guess what you said goes to both. I’ll take everything you said into deep consideration, truly. Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. Take time to think about everything and process it, and if you have any other questions — I’m here! 🙂

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[Calichu12]

I actually have a couple questions on this still. Like, how can I cope with this? It’s probably a long shot asking somebody that hasn’t gone through it, but I just don’t know. I deleted him from ever website, I deleted our pictures, and messages I’ve had saved but I feel worse. And I can’t physicaly, face to face talk to anybody about this because each one basically tells me that it’s not possible to care this much about a long distance relationship first forming online, that Im just tricking myself and I’ll get over it real soon but I wont. I’m sure theres a couple ppl i can go to and theyd just listen but now i know what theyd be thinking, that im just dumb or something and that hurts more.i dont often times let myself get as attached to anyone as i did due to getting hurt in the past by a guy & ppl that were always supposed to be there and werent, so it makes it harder. So yeah, how am i supposed to cope with it all

[Calichu12]

Theres one more thing, how am i supposed to cope with this? I’ve deleted him from everything, and our pictures & messages, threw out everything i had from/ of him but it made me feel worse.
none of my friends understand, they try to comfort me but they also tell me its impossible to care this much about a longdistance relationship that formed like that & im sure theres one person that would listen but i know what they would be thinking, that I’m dumb or something. I dont normally let myself get this attached to anyone i havent known for ever due to ppl that should have never hurt me hurting me, and a guy that did. So it makes it so much harder that i actually invested everything.
i don’t know what to do now.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Coping with a break up is hard, and there is no easy way around it, and there are no short cuts. The answer to your question, what to do?, is to allow time to pass, process what happened and what your part in it was, and decide what you’d like to do differently next time — and live your life each day, one step at a time.

Other people can be of comfort, but don’t look to them to explain your experience. That’s something only you can do. 😉 If you look for comfort from other people, be realistic about what it is they can actually do for you. Don’t put them in a position where you expect them to know your life from your point of view. 🙂

What will help you is getting out in the real world, every day, and meeting new people, doing things you enjoy doing, and focusing on what IS in your life that is good. Also, look towards the future, and introduce yourself to new men, smile and flirt with them, and take care of yourself in all ways. 😀

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