[Dragon]

Hi, sorry for a long one but i so need advise…

I am in a relationship with my partner for 7 years and we do live together for 5.5 years – not officially married. I am from another country and after we met we have been dating and maintaining distance relationship for 1.5 years via daily calls, txts, skype and weekend visits, seemed perfect. Then after 1.5 years I moved in with him into his house in another country – we wanted to be together but he owns a business and travels a lot (6-7 months in a year away) and also has a child from previous marriage so it was hard to keep being in a distance. In my country I had quite high flying and well paid job in a bank but at the time I was ready to give it up as job meant all for me and I meet a special person and wanted to progress with relationship and family rather than progressing with carrier and being alone. I also knew from the beginning he is very work oriented, so its work, his child and me – it’s always seemed right to me.
Right after moving in together I started to work for his company (as his PA). We did fight quite a lot, especially at the beginning whilst getting used to each other, relationship never been too smooth (think the reason is he is too impatient and snaps and I sometimes take it as offence) but we always were making it up after fight. I am not a shy person in bed and I am always up to it and up to trying new things so think we had a good sex life or at least he said it is good when we speak about it (and I think so), but it got more and more infrequent as he says he tired and has a sleeping problem which he does, I guess this is called “getting comfortable and not bothered, just want to chill out”. Again – as much as we all love fairy tales it does seem logical that you not having sex every day after 3-4 years of living together, this didn’t bother me, we still have a sex and it was good and we were quite cautious about each other needs. Work goes ok, no money trouble I go away with him on business quite a lot all-round the globe and it helps to be together. What bothered me is that our relationship doesn’t progress anywhere, at the beginning we were talking about future and he said he will want kids someday but he went through very painful divorce year before and was fighting over seeing his child for a long so it was ok for me to wait I had a time. Albeit 5 years gone on and we were at the same stage and he asks me if what I think would I be upset if I will not have children at all, and that he doesn’t want to be married at all and usual excuse.
Anyways sorry for long preamble, I can deal with above but wanted to tell whole story – here is a problem: last year, he hit 40 (bad age for man, huh?) so being away on business he met another woman. He didn’t have any physical relationship with her (100% sure), but as English people say she had “his head turned on” – they started to have a long calls, skype chats, called each other honey, he promised to fly 12 hours and come to her later in a year (wasn’t supposed to be there on business) etc – all that comes with the excitement of new love. With me he stopped talking over the phone – and we always had at least one or a few calls during the day even when he was far away and with a time difference, mainly about work but also general talk and miss you, love you etc. He came back, no missed you, no “greeting sex” after he had been away for a month, just “I am tired want to sleep”… he only communicated about work matters in a simple sentences and yes-no answers and indifferent to any other talk. Week after I evidentially found history on his computer whilst was looking something about work, asked question and he admitted, but also “doesn’t mean anything to me”, “don’t know what’s happened, I just wanted to escape everyday life” and “you want a kids and marry and I don’t want to and its upsets me and it seemed to be so easy and all excitement…” Also I am the best thing that ever happened in his life and he doesn’t want to lose it but “I am very tired we work together 24/7 and don’t have any life apart from work” which is kind of true as we work 18 hours a day together when he is not away. Went through hard period, nearly broke up, I went surprised him on his next month-long trip but after two months of tears and talks after it all kind of came back to normal and caring relationship, I trusted him, he stopped any contact with her after still think a few calls/emails (am 100% sure). I think he was feeling like plonker when came back but didn’t know what to do and how to end it. Anyway it was hard, but again – I don’t believe in a relationship without crisis, what happened – past and we moved on. I am usually jealous person but I always trusted him as I managed to persuade myself at the beginning of relationship that it isn’t a way forward and if he is with me he is with me willingly otherwise we wouldn’t be together. However all this story left me most insecure then I ever been and I am not very confident person in life at all…
But… He has to travel on business to the same places every year and scheduled again to go to the same place which I dreaded as I knew he would meet her through business again. I had asked to go there as well (he never had a problem taking me with him anywhere on business, he always said he misses me when away and doesn’t like to be by himself and he likes me travelling with him and meeting people and have some time away from home together even if it is work). He also knew why I want to go with him but still said no; we had a row, I asked why and he says “no, I don’t want a scandal, just want to do my job and get on and leave and come back and then we go to next trip and then Christmas and all well”. I asked: “you know, you will put me through such a hell when you will go there” and “what you would do if we changed places and you would be the one who has to wait whilst I will go to spend time with the man I thought I am in love with?” He says “I don’t know…” but still final answer there he went. Called me every day from there, we had a chat, he was caring, all was normal, I was looking forward to Christmas, buying presents… This was before he left that town where she lives. And day after he stops talking to me on a phone at all, daily routine call – nothing but you ok, yes, no. Comes back, peck in a cheek, I am tired. We talk – he says, “I don’t know what’s up with me”, “nothing to do with her”, “we are together 24/7 all we do is work, we forgot how to have fun together”, “I need counselling etc”, “please do not feel insecure, I love you and want to be with you, nothing is over” and same blah-blah, I do believe he doesn’t contact her now (maybe he tried and she moved on as well and this sent him to this state) I don’t see same signs as last year, and he says he wants me, which he probably is judging by his behaviour.
I now feel even more insecure than ever and don’t know what to do. I love this man and I know he isn’t a player – nor am I, but I am not sure whether we have a future… I also feel offended that I have to go through it 2nd time and not sure last. We still don’t talk properly – he is away now and still the same state of yes, no, don’t know, love you. I am 36 with slim chance have a kids now and ever more slim to build a new relationship as I would need to start my life from scratch again and it would take me very long to get over this relationship should i have to. My family and friends are 5 hours flight away so I can’t nip in, cry and talk it through. All my friends here are his friends as well and I don’t want people talking and be judgemental – at least if there still a chance for us.
But main reason of my concern is that I still love this man. I know what my brain says and heart says opposite so I am confused. What should I do? Or what would you do?
PS: Oh forgot to say – because he is qute scarred after his divorce and his wife left with his child he has this affection for a women who went through divorce. So part explanation for that girl was she just went through divorce and she neded support blah-blah and “we had such a lot in common in terms of after divoce care”… it isnt my fault as i never been divorced and ended my previous relationship fairly? i always supported him in his fight with his ex-wife…;-( i will be grateful for any advice please, i feel lost. thank you very much for reading it. Lana

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Clearly this guy isn’t right for you, but you’re afraid to leave him because you don’t want to be alone and to have to start from scratch. Unfortunately, the alternative, staying with him in a relationship that is unraveling, is worse. You want to get married. He doesn’t. And you were possibly a rebound relationship for him after his divorce. 😕 All of this points towards the very clear advice: You need to leave the relationship and find someone who DOES want to be in the same kind of relationship that you do. You are not too old, at 36, to do this, but you clearly can’t waste any time, and every day you stay with him, is a waste of your time. 😳

When you do begin dating again, be very clear about what you want, and make sure that you don’t date anyone who doesn’t want the same thing you do in the same time frame. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts