[nocturnalpuss]

I am in my late 40’s and in a seven year relationship with a man three years younger than I. When I met him, he owned two houses and was going back to school for an Electrical Engineering degree, leasing his second home for income. He was unhappy with the corporate world and quit. I am a musician and both he and I took financial and employment hits during the recession. He lost both houses, stopped going to school, has been unemployed for three years and lives in an apartment. He just started school again, this time in the medical field. I am still trying to make ends meet and still live in my house. We aren’t interested in living together or getting married, but I would consider some kind of arrangement due to financial and/or emotional needs in the future.

Meeting him, he paid for our first few dates. He found me on a dating site and asked me out time after time. After four or so times, I reached for my wallet and paid. Ever since then, if he asked me out, he would pay and if I asked him out, I would pay. We got casual fast, to the point of cooking for each other. Quickly I realized that if I wanted to go out, I would pay, but he never wanted to go out. If we were to eat a meal, it would be either he or I cooking. I had quickly realized that money was flying out of my wallet because I wanted to go out. We also became “homebodies”, only going out to do things that didn’t cost any money. While I am really happy doing this, I haven’t been to a movie theater in four years and haven’t had a night out either at a bar or a restaurant on his idea in six years. (Ok, Valentines day he takes me out, but last year the dinner was much more than he expected and my wallet flew out, paying for half.)

Don’t get me wrong, I love having homemade meals and spending time watching movies and TV at home, having conversations and enjoying each other. Yet, he is so cheap that I know very well that if I suggest going out, I’m going to pay for both of us, yet again.

I will add that after the first year, he has stopped coming to my (mainly infrequent) concerts, even with my being a soloist in the front of the stage a few times. While he isn’t a musician, he knows this is an important event. He even enjoys looking for a gown with me as well as seeing me in these gowns, yet won’t come see me perform. I am baffled by this. I get him comps for these concerts, yet he won’t go. I can see that if I have to come an hour early, he needs to amuse himself for a while. Yet, it hurts me that he doesn’t seem interested in seeing me perform in some of the greatest moments of my life. I have intimated this to him. I begged him to attend a friends solo performance and he was reluctant to go with me, but did. I think he is avoiding some of these “outings” because he is embarrassed by his unemployment and is avoiding talking to my friends and acquaintances.

I tried to break up with him at this time last year. We got in so many fights and he was constantly yelling at me. He was contrite and really didn’t want to be without me. I asked him to support me a little more by going to a few of my concerts and he agreed, yet never has followed through with this. Also, he had been on a waiting list for two years trying to get into school, just sitting at home. I asked him to get a job, yet never did. It’s a year later and just started school. He has not yelled at me and his temper has subsided. In hindsight, I can now see that he was probably stressed by being out of work and not in school.

Some short background: He came from a rough and abusive childhood. A bright person whose mother wanted him to stay at home to take care of her. He worked and saved up enough money to leave her and go to college on a Pel Grant. He lived in his brothers closet for a year, trying to save on rent money and seems to continue to have these monetary ways ever since. He buys mostly at dollar stores and Goodwill. I have learned to enjoy these trips as well. He is a handsome dresser, always looking for the best and most expensive clothes at Goodwill. Still, the most he spends is two dollars for an article.

I guess what is bothering me the most is his cheapness. Should I just look ahead and once he is making some money, things might change? I would like to know your thoughts. I pretty much think I am living in a bubble. I have a feeling things will never change.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he was never really generous with you — whether he was making a good living or not. And it sounds like you made the mistake of agreeing to things getting casual and “going dutch” too quickly — and now that you have a pattern of seven years of this behavior, it’s difficult to change — but not impossible! 🙂 It will just take a little extra work, and it may feel awkward at first, but it’s important to break the pattern without getting into a fight. Use the old adage, you attract more bees with honey than with vinegar and try to get him to take you out and do nice things for you by giving him positive reinforcement. Tell him how awesome he makes you feel when he comes to your concerts — instead of telling him angry you feel when he doesn’t. Tell him how nice it is of him to make your breakfast, or buy your Starbucks and flirt with him by telling him how you’ll reward him later. 😎 This will be a game changer, and it may feel awkward at first, but it’s a way to try and break a behavioral dynamic that isn’t working for you.

The other thing you hit on which is astute, is that he may feel badly about showing up in public and with your friends, when he’s unemployed and not on a path he wants to be. Men put a lot of stock in their careers, their jobs and their finances and because he’s in a slump in these areas, he’s probably going to be depressed and even ashamed that he’s not on top of his game yet, so you might want to be sensitive to this, and tell him how much it means to you for him to be there as your support and your favorite one man fan club.

Basically, this is about changing the way you approach him on these two topics. You’re not wrong to feel the way you do, but being right is less important than seeing if you can help bring this relationship to higher ground. 😉

Let me know if that helps, and if you have any other questions.

[nocturnalpuss]

Thank you for replying and your insight on my issue. I like your idea of using honey instead of vinegar. While I feel like I am using honey, I think I am too sticky! Maybe I can push with that honey, as you say, with a reward later. 😉 Glad you agree with me about how he might be embarrassed about his job status. I’ve never mentioned it to anyone and now can see I might be on to something there. I might need to push less, at least until he is feeling better about things. Thank you for your response, this helped a lot

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Sally]

This isn’t about a rough patch or money being tight. This is who he is when things get hard — he pulls inward, gets smaller, avoids the world, and expects you to adjust your life around that. And you have adjusted. For years. You’ve paid, stayed home, lowered expectations, and explained away the hurt.

Waiting for him to change “when he makes money again” is risky, because this isn’t just about income. It’s about values, effort, and showing up. Even when things cost nothing like your concerts he still doesn’t show.

He may love you. But love without support slowly drains you. You’re not wrong for feeling stuck. And no, you’re probably not imagining it this bubble feels like it’s been his comfort zone for a long time.
The real question isn’t will he change. It’s whether you can live like this if he doesn’t.

[Member]

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