[Anonymous]

[size=85]My girlfriend and I have been dating now for about 2.5 years (have been living with each other for 1.5 years) and are experiencing some possible relationship ending problems. We started dating near the end of high school and are currently working/in college and are both twenty years old (I’m 21 in April, she is in Dec). The interesting thing is that we are each other’s first for basically everything. First kiss, first relationship, first sex, etc. But as of late we have had some problems and I will try and provide a quick background in a short as description as possible:

She had been talking (texting, phone conversations) and developed a crush on another guy. They texted all the time, even when we were together and it was becoming quite obvious. After I snooped (I know, it was wrong) on her phone I found that they were flirting a lot, and even found such comments like “I would do you if I was single” that she said to him, and him constantly calling her beautiful and such. Even with this I tried not getting too jealous or being a overbearing boyfriend, so when she asked if they could hang out as friends (because he asked her) I ended up saying yes. What happened apparently was while I was at work they kissed each other in our apartment twice. After some prying she admitted to it and feels horrible it happened and shared some of her feelings that she has been experiencing for a few months: that she doesn’t know if this is where she wants to be at this young age.

She said she is 99% sure she wants to be with me, but she also feels unsure on whether she is missing out on other experiences. She feels curious to see how it is to sleep with another guy even though we have a good sex life (she says, I agree). She says this is in part to curiosity as well as to see how much of an emotional connection she can feel with someone else. Basically she didn’t ask it of me but if I allowed it she would want to try out sleeping with another guy, and would be fine in an open relationship. This is not okay with me, and sex with others is definitely not something I will want to do. But from how she describes it, she wants to be able to experience of people (which I consider dating) to re-affirm herself she wants to be with me, but thinks that will happen by testing out an emotional connection with another man through sex. I think the only way to clear those thoughts up would be seeing how dating other’s would feel.

I am very confused on what to do, and at the moment on what to think. I don’t want to break up but I think it may be the best solution to do it on good terms before it would end on bad ones. And I can’t necessarily blame her for how she feels so I am very indifferent on the whole situation. Having sex with another person (even if I am allowed to also, which she said) is not okay with me, and the fact she thinks that having sex with another will make her realize she 100% wants to be with me doesn’t make sense, to me at least it doesn’t. And she admits that if she felt a strong connection that we would most likely break up, not necessarily because it’s a stronger one with the other guy, but it would show her she can have that with other people then me.

So any advice would be greatly appreciated. I realize these kinds of feelings for people as young as us most likely are not abnormal, especially in a first relationship, but I just don’t know what we should do.[/size]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have all the answers, and you’re very clear on everything — except that you can’t have what you want. It takes two people to want most of the same thing at the same time to make a relationship work. When one person wants something very different or incompatible from and with what the other person wants, the relationship is bound to end. This is where you and your girlfriend are.

It’s not wrong, as you acknowledge, for her at almost 21 to want to experience other men and relationships. But it is wrong for you. That’s where the two of you will need to part ways. If you can break up amicably, but sadly, then that will be the best situation.

Your girlfriend is clearly looking to expand her experience, and you’d do best to step aside to protect your own self.

[Anonymous]

I would break up with her. if she has these feelings for the other guy and is talking about an open relationship and you are not down for that, I don’t understand her rational, I would say its over. If she is willing to bring this up then my belief is that she would cheat on you. It’s best to leave on good terms.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Leaving on good terms is an admirable goal here. See if you can do it.

[Jessica Jezzy]

If you’re not comfortable to an open relationship it’s okay to stand firm on that. when you feel curious, step back and think about respect and boundaries. A healthy relationship should feel safe and respected.

[Member]

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