[drewwilliams]

Hi this is a bit of an odd one. 2 years ago i went to Israel for a 6 month work program with people from all over the world and i met a girl and we fell in love then after the 6 months she went back to England and i came back to the US. We have been dating long distance since for about 2 years. She came to visit me 3 times in the US and i just recently visited her in England. The plan was always that i would move to Israel and she was thinking about moving to Israel as well. I planned to move to Israel in May but go to see her In England a month before i move to Israel for 2 weeks then come back to USA for 2 weeks then move to Israel. I did see her in England but at the airport she broke up with me. About the relationship, I was unfortunately always pretty rude to her not because i wanted to be but because i thought it was the way i should be. I mean i always treated her pretty good but i made her always feel second like i would never tell random people she was my girlfriend and other things like that, that made her feel bad. At the airport when we broke up she said it was the distance. I then told her i need some time and a week after the break up i decided i cant live without her and that i would move to England instead of Israel then she said she thought about the relationship during that week and does not want to pursue the relationship at all and she just says its a lot of small things and not so much the distance. I know where i have messed up and really want a second chance she really is an amazing person and i just got bad advice on how to treat her instead of acting as i usually would. Now i know if i acted how i wanted to act and held her hand and always acknowledged her and talked to her more i would not be in this position. I always pushed her away but i messed up more after the break up and have been constantly trying to get a second chance and sometimes i get mad and blame her for things or tell her that her excuses for the break up dont make sense. I now realize i really should just not be talking to her (I think she even blocked me). What really hurts is that she came out and said that if i never asked for time she would have never thought about all those things and would not have been so against us pursuing a relationship again. For how long should i not talk to her and what do i say after, and most importantly does anyone think i have a second chance or have i lost her for good. She said that she would like to go to Israel in July with one of her friends and would go out to lunch with me. Also shes a lawyer and im a programmer and i can find work pretty easily anywhere so moving to England would not be a big thing for me. Also i move to Israel in about a week and have very little friends here in the US as I move a lot and i know almost no one in Israel so its hard for me to just hang out with friends or go socialize. Any help is greatly appreciated i am incredibly heart broken and crying a lot which is very odd for me for any emotional thing and am just not sure what to do, thanks.

[drewwilliams]

Just to add to this a little. I am 27 and she is 24. She is a little big and i am not the most handsome guy in the world but i am in pretty good shape and dont really have insecurity issues of my looks but she is very insecure. I am also her first boyfriend and she only had sex one time before she met me. Again im trying to find out if anyone thinks i have a second chance. All advice and help is immensely appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think she’s going to give you a chance without seeing some change. And it can’t be talk. It has to be action. I’m not suggesting you pick up and move to her country to show her you mean business. But I do think you need to extend some gestures — send her flowers, send her poems, send her framed photographs of the two of you, send her a gift certificate for a massage at a spa. And if possible, whisk her away for a romantic weekend. You have to show her the side of you that she never saw and give her a reason for wanting to get back with you. Since she’s a lawyer, she has an analytical way of thinking and she’s going to need convincing. You can’t just tell her what you did wrong and what you will do right. You have to show her what you ARE doing right. This is going to require behavior modification on your part. Ball’s in your court. Show her your A game.

[drewwilliams]

April,

Thanks so much for responding and great advice. As of now she is not talking to me so i am going to wait until i move to start talking to her i think. She has a very analytical way of thinking and i believe that i might be too much of a risk being that i live far and the way i treated her. My goal is to start talking every 3-4 days for a while then every 2-3 until i get down to every other day or every day like it was before. If i can get this far i will start to send her little things at random times just to show i care. I guess the real thing i have to change is my attitude when talking to her. Like you said shes really analytical and i think i blew it forever because when we talked a week ago i said do you think i will ever have a second chance and she said the way she feels now is that we will never have a relationship again and i really believed her. Again thanks so much for reaching out with the great advice i really needed a second opinion and you helped a lot.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[MelissaPagan]

Have you started talking?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hopefully, we’ll hear more!!

[Sally]

She didn’t leave because of one moment or one mistake. She left because over time she felt pushed aside, unseen, and unsure of where she stood with you. Distance was just the easy reason to say out loud. The small things add up, especially when someone already feels alone.
Right now, the best thing you can do is stop reaching out. Not to punish her. To show you finally understand. Chasing, arguing, or explaining yourself more won’t fix this. It only confirms the parts that hurt her.
Do you have a second chance? Maybe. But only if she comes to you. And that might not happen.
What you can do is learn from this, sit with the pain, and let it change how you love next time. Even if that next time isn’t her.

[Tara]

You lost her because you trained her to feel unwanted, replaceable, and alone, and then you doubled down after the breakup like a man with no self-control.
You admit you were rude. You hid her. You didn’t claim her publicly. You “pushed her away” on purpose because you followed stupid advice instead of basic human decency. That wasn’t masculinity. That was insecurity dressed up as strategy. Women don’t fall out of love overnight; they erode. Slowly. Quietly. By the time she broke up with you at the airport, she was already done.

Then you made it worse. You begged. You argued. You blamed her. You tried to logic her feelings away. You proved, repeatedly, that when you don’t get your way, you become desperate, angry, and emotionally sloppy. Nothing kills attraction faster.

There is no “right amount of time” after which you say the magic sentence, and she comes back. That fantasy is for people who refuse to accept consequences. She blocked you because you wouldn’t respect her boundary. That alone tells you where you stand.

Her saying she might have gone to lunch in Israel is not hope. It’s politeness mixed with closure curiosity. Do not confuse that with romantic interest. And do not plan your life, country, or career around a woman who has explicitly told you she does not want the relationship.

You asking “Do I have a second chance?” is the wrong question. The correct question is: why are you centering your entire identity, geography, and emotional stability around someone who has already chosen peace over you?

You stop contacting her entirely. No texts. No updates. No explanations. No emotional essays. You disappear. Not to manipulate because you’ve already done enough damage. If she ever reaches out, you keep it calm, brief, and non-needy. If she doesn’t, you accept that this relationship is over, and you earned that ending.

[Member]

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