[Shannon]

I need some solid advice, or opinion. Her is my situation; I am with a woman now whom I/we have been in love with for 17 yrs. We were together 17 years ago(in high school) for a summer until I went to college. We had been apart since last year and finally found an opportunity to rekindle our relationship last year. We have both wanted this all these years. I have been in several long term committed relationships and she has had two marriages and now has four children. Her last marriage ended when we got together last January with the man she planned/had her youngest daughter with(now 3yrs old). He abused her physically on three occasions breaking her nose once. Prior to us getting back together she told me her relationship was real bad and she had tried to separate but he wouldn’t, mine had just ended as my girlfriend had broken up with me. We went out a couple of times, nothing happened but talk, he found out and left their family to get a divorce. Their divorce is due to be final this March. She and I have been living together since June with the children except for the week on and off he exercises with his daughter. It has been very difficult to say the least but we manage to have a pretty good relationship despite the nasty divorce. He will not let her go and wants desperately to “get his family/marriage back”. She has allowed the children to develop a loving relationship with me, we have committed in full our lives at this point and want it this way. We want our life together and have talked openly about fulfilling our life dream to get married eventually and finally have our family. My problem is this: I feel like I have ended my previous relationship, and done the very difficult appropriations to communicate to my ex that we are over, I am happy, and am in love with my new girlfriend despite my care and love for her developed over eight years. This was not easy and she gave us hell. My girlfriend however has attempted to do the same with her ex despite is stubbornness and need to get back together with her. When she is with me everything is focused and committed, however when she talks with her ex I think she may not be speaking to him in definite terms. She admits that if we were unable to maintain a relationship she would go back to him. Her communication with him is guarded, she defends him a lot, cares for him very much, and admits reluctantly to me that she is still in love with him. Sometimes I feel like she may not be fair to either one of us, being confused and having her cake and eating it too, so to speak. I love her dearly and have given all of myself to her and the children, I love them all very much. I am having a hard time right now deciding on what the right thing to do is; trust her feelings and actions towards me and stand back and be supportive, or ask for some boundaries with her and the ex, or step away altogether and let them work their stuff out. Any advise/opinion from an uninvolved person(s) would be greatly appreciated.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re not going to like what I have to say, so consider this advance warning to buckle your seatbelt! 😆

Your girlfriend of one year is an abused woman who stayed with her abuser. This is very typical of these dysfunctional relationships. If your girlfriend’s husband broke her nose, she should have called the police, had him arrested, divorced him immediately, and asked the court for appropriate visitation for the child she has with him. She didn’t. And that’s who you’re dating. Someone who doesn’t take care of themselves or their children.

The bad news is that it’s wrong for you expect her to take care of you, either. It’s not that she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t know how to.

You’re writing me because you’re beginning to realize that just because you did what was right for you, you’re realizing she doesn’t have the same values or tools to respond in kind. She is [i]not[/i] going to cut off from her husband, and you can expect more of the same behavior in the future. I’m not clear from what you wrote what her custody situation is with her husband and their daughter, but you have to understand that this man will be in her life as the father of her daughter, forever. And if you’re in her life, he’s going to be part of your life, too.

While you may have 17 years of love for this woman, understand that most of that love is fantasy. You were in other relationships. She had other marriages and four kids. You are basing your love for her on feelings you had for her as a teenager. When you met up with her 17 years later, it probably felt great to try and rescue her from her predicament, but it’s very hard to rescue people who don’t want to be rescued. Women who are battered, more often than not, have trouble getting out of that cycle. She is the one who is going to have to understand that she loves a man who broke her nose in anger. Her idea of what love is is out of whack. Are you sure this is who you want to plan a life with?

My suggestion to you is that you move out of her house until her divorce is final and she has some significant time as a single, divorced mother, who is making a life for herself and her children. In order for a relationship to work for you, you need a woman who is healthy and willing to commit to you. If you move out and she jumps back into the marriage with her husband (soon to be ex), you’ll know that there’s a problem that has nothing to do with you — she needs to be in a relationship more than she needs a healthy man. If she’s telling you now that she still loves her husband (soon to be ex-husband), you’ve got a loaded situation that may not work out the way you want it to — in spite of your feelings of love. Back off and get some perspective on the situation for yourself, so that you can decide what the best thing to do for you is.

I hope that helps and I wish you good luck. 🙂

[Shannon]

April,

Thank you for your response. And, no, no need for the seatbelt(thanks for the warning though) I am an open minded person who wants the best for my girlfriend, the kids, and me. I agree with most of what you say. I believe that she does have a skewed perception of what love is. Do you think that can change?

I think she needs to work on herself more than anything, maybe I can see her through that process, either way I hope we are able to work thinks out.

[Ask April Masini]

Well, I’m glad to hear you’re hardcore enough for my brutal advice! 😆

In response to your latest question: Yes, I do think she can change, but for that change to be genuine, it has to be [i]all hers[/i]. You can’t tell her to change or suggest that she change and expect that to work. Real change happens because the person doing the change wants it.

In addition to which, your words are not nearly as strong as your behavior, and if you tell her that you want her to change, I can guarantee you that will lead to no change on her part. However, if you tell her you’re leaving until she gets some help for her battered woman syndrome, if that’s what she has, or until she is able to be strong enough on her own to actually be part of a healthy relationship with you, then she may want to effect a change [i]for herself [/i]because she wants you back! Please note, however, that I’m not suggesting you play games here — if you do move out to give her space to change, you have to mean it, and be prepared to not move back in or be with her again until she does improve her self, and if she never does, that’s the end of the relationship. (Tough love is truly tough.)

My advice is to use your behavior, not your words so much in this case to show her you love her, but she has to love herself enough for you to be together. Be careful not to enable her because that won’t help her or you, and you’ll become part of the problem.

Good luck!

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