[babydoll]

Okay so my boyfriend and I have been dating officially for 4 months now though we met and first started expressing interest in each other almost a year ago. Now I’m ultimately very happy in the relationship but the one problem that always comes to haunt me is love. This is the first serious relationship I’ve been in so I wrongly had the expectation that saying I love you would result in him immediately saying it back, I watch too many romance films I guess. Now that was like 3 months ago and I’ve gotten over it, I say I love him sometimes because I’m a very affectionate person but I make sure he knows that I don’t have any expectations of it being returned because I respect that he’s just not ready for that. And he responds by saying how cute I am and how sweet it is that I say and send hearts and kisses but has never said it back. That is until about a month ago, where it accidentally slipped out. And I don’t mean accidentally like he was feeling it so strongly it slipped out, I mean accidentally as in he says it to his mom and friends a lot and literally accidentally said it to me. And it hurt. A lot. And now, about an hour after him accidentally doing it a fourth time I am very hurt and pretty confused. Each time he does it he apologises profusely but it still feels like a punch to the throat. Like I’d gotten myself to a place where I was comfortable with the way things were and I was content with him just liking me but now hearing him say it and not mean it is just making me feel awful. I just don’t really know what to do or think about it all, do you have any ideas?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How do you know he doesn’t mean it?

[babydoll]

Well in the past when I first said it and was still really bothered about him not saying it we spoke about it and he told me he wasn’t sure how he felt and also that he would say it to his ex so often it lost its meaning so I dropped it and got over it. And then the first time he slipped it out I asked him if it was just an accident and he assured me it was so I just went with it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that because this is your first relationship, you’re looking for relationship landmarks, like the L word, and since that one has been cheapened with way too much discussion, you should drop it, and instead, focus on the relationship itself, and not the landmarks. Stop talking about who said I love you and when and why…. because it’s just like picking at a scab. Don’t criticize and just let it go. There are lots of things in relationships that are more important than a phrase. 😉

[Sally]

You didn’t do anything wrong by saying I love you. You weren’t being dramatic or naive you were being honest and affectionate. That’s not a flaw. The problem isn’t that he hasn’t said it back yet. The problem is that now he keeps saying it accidentally, then taking it back. That messes with your heart in a real way.

Getting yourself to accept “he’s not ready” took emotional work. Hearing the words even by accident rips that wound back open every time. Of course it feels like a punch. Your brain hears hope, then immediately has to shut it down again.

You don’t need to stop being loving. But you do need to protect yourself. It’s okay to tell him calmly that when he says it and apologizes, it hurts you more than if he just didn’t say it at all. Not to pressure him just to be honest.
Love shouldn’t feel like whiplash. And you’re allowed to need emotional safety, even this early.

[Tara]

A man who has “accidentally” told you he loves you four times is not clueless; he’s careless with your emotions because he hasn’t decided what he wants and knows you’ll tolerate the ambiguity. He enjoys your affection, your heart, your warmth, and your emotional availability, but he’s unwilling to meet you at the same depth. That imbalance is the problem, not the word itself.

Here’s the hard truth: you’re giving him emotional benefits without emotional reciprocity. He gets to feel adored, safe, and wanted while staying noncommittal. When he slips and says “I love you,” then immediately retracts it, apologizes, and resets the boundary, it doesn’t make him kind; it makes him irresponsible. You’re not wrong for being hurt. You’re wrong for minimizing your hurt to protect his comfort.

You’ve convinced yourself that you’re “okay” with this because you don’t want to pressure him or risk the relationship, but your body is telling you otherwise. Every time he says it and doesn’t mean it, it reopens the wound and reinforces that you’re ahead emotionally and pretending that doesn’t matter. That’s not patience, that’s self-betrayal.

[Member]

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