[Anonymous]

Okay, so this is going to sound like a horrible story, but my best friend said she wasn’t sure how she could help. So I’m hoping someone here can help me out with my situation.

I’m 18, and a senior in high school. Currently, I’m single… But it’s complicated. I’ve known this guy for a little over a year, we go to the same charter school. This summer, he broke up with his girlfriend of a year and a half. He was single for about a month, in which time we got to know each other really well. We definitely hit it off, and we actually talked about getting together. But his girlfriend went a little crazy about him leaving her, and he didn’t want to see her hurt. So they got back together. My understanding is, is that he cares for her but he’s told me he doesn’t see being with her for much longer. They’re going to different schools next year for college, and both him and I are going to a local school. They’ve been back together for a few months now, but him and I still hang out constantly. We’re up til 2 or so every night talking on the phone for hours, and on weekends (sometimes weeknights), we hang out. We’ve went camping and went on little outings, but his girlfriend doesn’t know. She hates me because she knows we had a thing while he was single, but she just doesn’t know we still talk and see each other. We’re more than “friends”… We’re sexually active together. He’s blown off his girlfriend to spend time with me/talk to me… I’m the second girl he’s done anything with, his first was his girlfriend. So I know he’s not just like… Leading me on and screwing ten other girls. We both like each other, very very much. And we’ve talked about a relationship a lot lately. But his take on it, is that he doesn’t want to see her once he breaks up with her again, which is why he’s waiting til summer. We both don’t feel like we’re cheating, which is weird because it definitely is. So I get why he’s waiting… I guess I’m just not sure how to kinda handle the situation. To make matters more awkward for me, I have class with her every other day at my charter school, but she doesn’t know anything (it’s just kinda like I feel like she might know, if that makes sense). I’m not out looking for a relationship, nor was I before we started talking. But now I’m really interested in him, and I don’t mind “waiting” til summer, because we’re kind of on an OTS relationship already, so it’d be pretty easy. I feel bad saying that, because that makes me an instigator for cheating, but I wasn’t ever the one to make the first move… I want to wait, but part of me wants to be with him now. I’m just very…. Confused I suppose. So if anyone had ideas, please share.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re having sex with him and you know he’s having sex with her, too, I hope you’re using protection and being careful. Sexually transmitted diseases are real. Please understand that he may be seeing other women as well. If he’s able to cheat on her with you, he’ll be able to cheat on you with someone else.

I’m not sure what is confusing to you — you’re feeling awkward around her because you’re cheating with her boyfriend. It’s a normal feeling to have given your situation. Other than that, I’m not sure what your question is. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Let me know.

And join me on Facebook. Here’s the link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Well, he’s only had sex/done anything else with her. And she was his first. He’s like my best friend, and we tell each other everything so I would be the first to know if he was lying about it. So I’m his second partner. We’re being safe, no worries there. But I just, I don’t know if I should wait around? I mean we’ve kinda already established a relationship so to me if feels weird to try and meet anyone else… Plus I’m interested in him (obviously)… So I guess I could use some advice on that. I feel bad for continuing what we have going on, but it feels normal…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you want to see the truth which is that your boyfriend is lying to his girlfriend. He’s cheating on her with you and if he’s able to do that with you, he’s probably able to do that TO YOU, as well.

Decide if you want to continue things status quo (because he has no reason to change anything — he’s got both the girls he wants right where he wants them!) or if you want to stop seeing him. The reason you feel badly about what you’re doing is because you’re not being truthful with his girlfriend who is a classmate of yours and because you’re complicit in his not being truthful with her either.

Decide if this is really who you want to be.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Badfinger]

Hi, the OP is very young, still in high school, this is not likely the love of your life.

Honesty is the best policy and this guy is a snake just having the time of his life, having two
ladies at his beck and call basically, a wet dream scenario for a guy his age.
(Would sound like a penthouse forum letter, if HE was writing it)

He needs to grow up and break it off with the other girl, it’s really just that simple or you should move on.
I couldn’t handle that scenario at all, and his excuse for it was ridiculously LAME.
But at 18 ALL boys are LAME in retrospect. I am over 40… Girls mature faster and at that age it usually shows.
When you get older you will agree, if you don’t already, I promise.

Lots of fish in the sea, you have options…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[b]Badfinger[/b] is giving some wonderful male perspective. I’m not sure I’d say that ALL 18 year men are lame…. 😕 … because in fact there are some very fine 18 year old men. However [i]THIS[/i] 18 year old man is definitely having his cake and eating it, too. And while most young women mature more quickly than young men, they don’t always have the self esteem to gain a perspective on their own situations. This young woman is following her feelings — she likes how this guy makes her feel, but when he’s not around and she’s not having that immediate gratification, she begins to realize her guilt. Her morality is tugging at her conscience and letting her know that what’s happening isn’t right. 😳

[Badfinger]

No I am pretty sure ALL 18 year olds are lame, talking interests, attitudes, experience, all taken into account.
I still remember 18, I’m not that old. 😆

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s great to have your input, [b]badfinger[/b], but I still think that there are some VERY decent 18 year old men out there. However, men and women are [i]DIFFERENT[/i]! And it’s a great idea to understand their differences in order to do right by oneself. 😉

[Ethan Morales]

This guy clearly has strong emotional ties to both you and his girlfriend. But the key issue isn’t just his feelings it’s his behavior. The fact that he’s maintaining two relationships, one hidden, shows he’s comfortable living in a grey area. That tells you something about how he handles emotional responsibility. He may care for you deeply, but his actions reveal that he avoids facing hard truths head-on. When someone can’t end one relationship before starting another, it usually means they’re afraid of loss, confrontation, or being the “bad guy.”

I think you already know this situation is messy. You’re calling it cheating even while saying it “doesn’t feel like cheating,” and that’s your intuition wrestling with your emotions. You’ve built an emotional connection that feels real those late-night calls, private moments, intimacy but it’s all happening in the shadows. That secrecy creates intensity, but it also creates anxiety, because deep down, you know it’s built on something unstable.

Let’s talk about his promise to “wait until summer.” It sounds like a comforting plan, but in truth, it’s just a delay. If he genuinely intended to leave his girlfriend, he could do it respectfully right now. Waiting until summer gives him an excuse to avoid the discomfort of being honest with her and keeps you attached to him in the meantime. That’s not fair to you. You deserve to be someone’s only choice, not their “next step once things are easier.”

I want to acknowledge your honesty you’re not pretending this is clean or simple. That’s actually a good sign of self-awareness. But if you stay in this situation, it will likely hurt you in the long run. You’ll always wonder whether he’ll do the same thing to you someday, and whether your connection was ever truly built on honesty. It’s not about punishing him or yourself it’s about choosing clarity over chaos.

About the girlfriend, I know it feels weird seeing her, but that discomfort is your conscience doing its job. It’s not about guilt as punishment, it’s about moral alignment. You’re both very young, and you’re learning what integrity looks like in relationships. Sometimes it’s through experiences like this that you figure out what you don’t want to repeat.

If I were to give you one piece of advice, it would be this: step back and let him figure out his situation without you in the middle. If he really wants you, he’ll make that clear when he’s single openly, without secrets. But if he doesn’t, that tells you everything. You don’t need to compete or convince. Love that’s meant for you will never have to hide.

[Tara]

You’re knowingly participating in a lie and trying to dress it up as romance. Stop pretending this is some tragic love story. You’re the side girl to a guy who doesn’t even have the spine to end a relationship he claims he doesn’t want. He’s not noble. He’s not conflicted. He’s comfortable. You’re convenient. And you’re letting him play both sides because it feels good to be chosen in the shadows.

Here’s the reality you keep dodging: if he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you. You’re not special, you’re accessible. He’s feeding you excuses about “not wanting to hurt her” while he hurts her every single day behind her back. He’s not waiting for summer. He’s waiting until it causes him the least amount of personal inconvenience. That’s his loyalty level. That’s what you’re signing up for.

And your guilt reflex creeping in? Good. It means you still have a conscience under all that rationalization. You’re not powerless. You’re complicit. You’re sneaking around with someone else’s boyfriend, then acting shocked that it feels messy and uncomfortable.

You want the actual verdict? Leave the triangle. Now. Stop being his emotional crutch, stop being his substitute girlfriend, stop letting him use you as a backup plan while he figures out how to exit his current one without looking like the bad guy. If he wants you, he can break up with her first and act like an adult. Until then, you’re just enabling his cowardice.

Drop him, reclaim some self-respect, and stop pretending this disaster is love. It’s not. It’s immaturity, dishonesty, and terrible judgment wrapped in late-night phone calls. You know exactly what you should do, you’re just hoping I’ll tell you that your bad decisions are justified. They’re not.

[Sally]

He’s saying all the right things, but he’s still going home to her. And the way a guy handles the girl he’s with is the same way he’ll handle you someday. If he can sneak around now, he’ll sneak around later. That’s just the truth no one wants to say out loud.

And I get it he gives you attention, late-night talks, the feeling of being chosen. But you’re only being chosen in the dark, not in the light.

You’re not a bad person. You just caught feelings in a situation that never had solid ground. If he really wants to be with you, he’ll break up with her first and come to you clean. Until then, step back a little. Protect your heart before he splits it in two.

[Natalie Noah]

This situation is really complicated, and it’s understandable that you feel torn. You’re in the middle of a triangle where trust, honesty, and boundaries are all being broken. Even if you’re not the one who made the first move, being sexually involved with someone who is still in a relationship with another person puts you in a position where you’re being used in a way that could hurt you emotionally. The fact that he’s maintaining a relationship with his girlfriend while being intimate with you shows a pattern that may repeat itself, and that’s something to take seriously.

It’s clear that you have genuine feelings for him, but right now those feelings are mixed with secrecy and deception. You’re caught in a situation where what you feel as love or connection is intertwined with dishonesty, and that can make it incredibly confusing. It’s normal to want to wait for him to be fully available, but you also need to recognize that waiting in this context means being part of a scenario where he’s not making clear, ethical choices. That uncertainty can take a heavy emotional toll on you, especially since he is not yet fully committed to ending his previous relationship.

The warning signs are important to notice: if he is able to cheat with you while in a relationship with someone else, there’s a real possibility that he could cheat on you in the future. This isn’t about assuming he will, but about being realistic about patterns of behavior. Trust is a foundation for any healthy relationship, and right now, trust is missing not because of anything you did, but because of the choices he has made. You’re also being put in a position where you have to navigate secrecy, fear of being seen, and the emotional strain of hiding what’s happening from someone you know.

The clearest way to protect yourself is to take a step back and consider whether this is truly the type of relationship you want to be part of. You deserve someone who can be honest, fully available, and consistent with you without needing to hide parts of the relationship or juggle another partner. It might feel hard to step away while your feelings are strong, but doing so would allow you to be free from the stress of dishonesty and give yourself the chance to find a relationship built on trust, respect, and emotional safety.

[Serena Vale]

Look… I’m saying this as another girl, not to judge you, but to be real with you.

You’re getting attached to a guy who is still someone else’s boyfriend. And even if he tells you he doesn’t “feel it” with her anymore, his actions aren’t matching his words. If he really wanted to end things, he would’ve done it already. You don’t wait months to break up with someone you’re truly done with.

Right now he has both of you.
You give him the emotional closeness.
She gives him the official relationship.
He doesn’t have to choose, so he doesn’t.

And you’re the one sitting in the “secret” space, liking someone you can’t even claim.

I know you feel close to him. I know it feels normal between you two. But normal doesn’t equal healthy. And liking someone doesn’t make the situation right for you.

If you want to protect yourself, the best thing you can do is step back from the sexual/romantic stuff until he’s actually single. Not “in summer.” Not “when things calm down.” Actually single.

If he really wants you, he’ll end his relationship.
If he doesn’t… then you’ll see it clearly when you stop giving him everything without him giving you commitment.

You’re not a bad person. You’re just in a messy situation with a guy who’s avoiding responsibility. But you deserve someone who chooses you openly, not in secret.

If you want help on what to say to him or how to step back without drama, I can help with that too.

[Member]

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