[HoneyB]

I have been in love with a guy for about 8 years. We are both 29. We started out randomly and were not serious, but I knew then that I loved him. Over the years we’d see each other, sometimes sporadically, sometimes for periods of time. He is intimidating, almost cold on the surface, but underneath it all he loves me. He has always had major trust issues and I think he wanted to keep himself from actually loving someone because of his life, family etc. We ended up living together for two years. During that time I had him leave because our problems were killing me, and I had been trying for years to get through to him but always ended up feeling terrible about myself or realizing that he would never be willing to do what it took. We were apart for a little while but still talked somewhat and eventually started seeing each other again. He moved back in some months later and we stayed together and seemed to be doing all right. Fights would come out of nowhere though and I felt like I had to try sooo hard. Despite all of our break ups and fights and horrible times, I cannot and have not ever been able to let him go or stop loving him any less, regardless of his junk. I will say he is a manipulative, jealous type, who was also controlling. I do feel like there was significant amounts of verbal abuse as well as mental/emotional, and a few times that it got physical. Again, I kept pushing through because I knew who he was, how his head was, I felt like I could understand why he was so messed up. Sometimes I think I became passively manipulative, jealous and controlling in return. I learned to understand how he thought, what to expect, and that even if his words or actions were hateful and destructive, it was because he wasn’t taught anything less and because he was constantly fighting against his own mind. Needless to say there were many bad times. There were also really great times. He was very smart, but just tough. I don’t know how to put it into words. Anyway, he made a lot of progress during our years together, and got a little bit better in many mental/emotional aspects along the way. The problem is, that I am human too, with my own junk, including low self-esteem that seemed to get worse even though my physical, professional, and personal self was making lots of headway. The more I worried about him and us, the reality of ultimate failure, and my pleas to keep him near, the more pathetic I became. In the end, I couldn’t tell if it was him, or me, or me taking accountability for him, on and on. We have been apart now for 16 months and it still kills me. This is the first time I have not initiated contact with him in the eight years since we met. It has been extremely difficult. I know it was not healthy and I probably sound like an abused woman making excuses for her man, but I was not perfect either. Maybe I tried too hard to show my love, or let myself give too much keeping him from having to work for anything. If you have a man who has been so tainted and does not trust and does not know how to love etc… but you love him, don’t you do all you can to show him he can trust and he can love? Over the last 8 months or so has initiated conversation through text 3 or 4 times. But the last time I heard from him was the end of December. Less than a week ago he sent a message saying “You made me promise to tell you if I left for good. I am going into the navy, special forces, and am leaving in a month. I have always loved you and the kids. Be well Doll.”
I have no idea what to do. I never thought he’d actually go, and if this is true, he would have had to change pretty much everything about how he has always lived. I do not know his motivation. Does he want to see me before he goes? Should I ask to see him? I do not feel strong enough to handle the situation or an actual forever goodbye. Yet I have needed closure for so long, but I know that nothing will ever bring true closure. I would never forgive myself for not seeing him either. I am so very unsure of what to say or do or not say or do. And I wonder why he gave me a month notice? I am always the one giving in, showing undying love, trying to initiate or make it work.. So I have been very careful since this last breakup not to do so for my own sanity’s sake.
I know I wrote a lot. But I need help! Everyone I know has an opinion, but sometimes you just need unbiased perception.
Thanks so much.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote] If you have a man who has been so tainted and does not trust and does not know how to love etc… but you love him, don’t you do all you can to show him he can trust and he can love? [/quote]

No.

Especially not if he’s abusive physically, mentally and emotionally, as you’ve stated. And while you didn’t say that you have children, it appears from his parting message, that you do. This person is not a healthy person to be around your children. So, no.

Feeling love for someone or something is different from doing the right thing. You can love tigers, but you wouldn’t go hug one because it would kill you. This guy is not a good person for you to be around, so cherish any fond memories you have — at a distance. 😉

[quote]Does he want to see me before he goes? [/quote]

No.

[quote]Should I ask to see him?[/quote]

No.

The problems with this relationship are not with the relationship. They’re with you. You have to find a way to decide that you want to be healthy more than you want to be with Mr. Right Now, or more than you want to be with someone who fosters your low self esteem. 😳 By choosing this man who is abusive, you’re choosing to nurture your low self esteem — and you’re not moving forward with your own life (single or coupled).

It’s great that you’ve moved on as much as you have. Your need for closure is not a need closure. In fact, it’s the opposite. You have closure. You’re looking for an opening instead so you can start up with him because you haven’t healed yourself. Do the work that you need to do to stay healthy and only allow healthy people into your life. 😉

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[HoneyB]

I am curious why you think he does not want to see me? Based on his message, and knowing him, I felt like there is something implied, I’m just not sure what.
Is there any chance he could have really gotten better? He would have had to change almost everything about his life in order to actually be accepted into the Navy.
I am not in a position in my life where dating is an option, I live in a single mothers program that is structured for personal growth that does not approve of dating while in the program, and I have found a great church and faith based support system. The reason I question if or if not to see him is because although we cannot be together, I do love him, and I would just like to see him and say goodbye. Our ‘end’ did not really consist of a cordial parting or a ‘we gave it our best shot, goodbye’ kind of thing. I believe if he is leaving it is or quite possibly will be, the last time I ever see him.
I know it’s crazy, but I feel like seeing him, in a neutral environment, with the objective of saying, I ‘m sorry for my part, I hope life goes well, and goodbye. It may be very difficult, but I also wonder if it is a component I need to accepting that we are done. I have lost family members and dear friends without having the opportunity to say goodbye, and I feel like I have carried that pain with me so long. I just don’t want to make a mistake in this situation that would add to my grief or struggles to accept great loss.
Thank you for any and all advice you may have.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re turning a simple situation into a big mess. 😳

It’s very clear what’s going on: You are no longer seeing a man you called [u]controlling, manipulative, cold, physically abusive, mentally abusive and emotionally abusive.[/u] 😯 But now that I’ve answered your question, whether he wants to see you or not, and I told you he doesn’t want to see you, you’re trying to leverage my answer into what you want to hear. This is what you did in the relationship — you tried to leverage the truth of who he is into someone you wanted him to be. People with low self esteem become manipulative so that they don’t have to be clear and upfront about what’s going on or what they don’t like that’s going on. 😉

I know that this is hard for you to hear, and it’s disappointing to you, but if he did want to see you, he would have. But, he didn’t. My advice is to let go and accept that and to not chase after him. 🙁 Your challenge now is not to create drama and chaos.

Focus on being a single mother, and on your own self esteem issues. Since you say that dating is not an issue for you right now, then don’t date. Just be a great mother. 😉 Simplify — don’t complicate.

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