[gdjim37]

I know there will be some things on here that will appear to require some reality checks upon me, i am prepared with that and have faced it already. I am a 27 year old man who has been very close to a young girl for years(platonically like siblings) until she came of age. She is 19 almost 20. I know, that is a major gap and my morals aside, just know i did not have the intentions while she was underage. Once she hit the age, we decided to give it a try due to how close we were and it worked, for a good while anyhow. I know most of these issues are because she is young, already sailed that ship. My issue is that I do love her, and i am willing to let her go if it comes to it but i would rather not unless needed.
Long story short, we are living together. I switched to a different job, the kind that works me too many hours of the week. She used to work those same 50-60 hours, she understands. The problem, she lost her job. i spent most of 2014 being the sole support in our household and it took its toll. A couple of times, sparked by me never being home, she developed issues of longing for me. She started hanging out with her all female cast of friends, two in particular, and since then she would spent days with them. She would become rebellious, inconsierate, distant, cold, you name it. Many “cheater signs” too. It all ended one day and we seemed to be fine again after a long 3 months of hell.
Well, she is going thru that again. Third time actually. Whenever she hangs out with her two friends, who are both much more immature, irresponsible, naive and overall spoiled compared to her, who is playful but very mature for her age, even having been second in command of her job at age 17. When she is with them frequently, she changes. She hints the lack of desire, wanting to go out and explore and travel, live without regrets(claims this means not seeing other ppl, kinda fishy lol) and grows cold to me.
I wind up being lonely all the time, i cannot even get time to chat with her for a few minutes, not even about bills, which i pay for entirely when this happens as she spends all her money to hang out with these girls of hers…it is a mess. The obvious answer is to drop this immature kid i am with. Except, she honestly is never like this otherwise. usually she is very caring, considerat,e mature, pays bills, etc. But not when friends are around.
I have suspected cheating, but only tiny evidence of it. The usual signs are there, like her clothing habits, her not seeking any sex for months(save for a squirt stain of her orgamsm on the bed she swears was masturbation with her vibrator, thought that day when it was wet and fresh when i got home the vibe was filthy with hair and lint, but not wet or even sticky or even smelled of vaginal play) so i cannot know what to trust in this scenario.

Here is where i am now with this…she dumped me a couple weeks ago. we sorted it out, got back together. Big improvements, until she got with ehr friends again.
Wondered if another man, or if her friends just draw this teenage shit out oif her,or if they buzz in her ear..,i dunno.
She got into a car accident while riding with them in the next state north of us, an hour away. I found out she was in the accident, that a car was totaled, she was in hospital, and nothing else. Phone dead. Condition unknown. So what do i do? i race to the damn hospital to see if she is ok!
When there, i got the reception as if nobody understood why i came. her mother was there, who my gf told me she did not yet wish to imform of our back together after the 24 hour breakup we had, due to not wanting stress from her mom. A lil fishy, and yes her mom DOES like me btw, but i gave benefit of the doubt because her mom does tend to be crazy, being 63 and all.
Getting to the core of my issue, just bear with me…
She went to spend a few nights with the friend that was driving that day, i called on the phone to make sure she was fine after hospital released her, torn shoulder ligament. Everything seems fine, until i say “i love you”, an everyday exchange with us. She froze up on the phone, refusing to say it back. Instead she said “not now.”
So i am nervous now. i think, why woudlnt she? I decide to test this. They stop by my job later to say hey, show off the injuries, touch base, etc…i give her a light hug and say i love you again, her response is now “i will call u later.”
She and i do not display affection in front of others, with exception of holding hands and hugging and….saying i love you. She has been ok with it in front of her friends. But not this time. So i am nervous.
Next day i stop in to bring her tiger balm for her back at her job. This female friend is with her still, hanging out. Ok. There is also a guy iv never seen behind counter with them. I thought he was a friend of the store owner, who i know. I introduce myself. I talk to my gf. At end, i lightly whisper i love you. She freezes up and gets pale. She looks scared and annoyed. she say “we will talk later.”

first thought is oh shit, she is having an affair. I noticed she had no problem saying the words ILU in front of co workers at older job, or friend B, but did for friend A, whose house she has been staying at since friday(it is now tuesday) and i thought, shit, this guy must be her affair/interest and he must have been there at girl A’s house when the phone incident occured.

I confronted her about her actions towards me, my feelings, etc. We fought, we survived. I do not beleive this man was a love affair. I could be wrong but i dont see it.

It dawned on me this morning…see, my gf has been bitching about friend B, who used to always be with them when this would happen….not these last 5 days. The ONLY fixed variable is friend A…see, friend A lives with parents who never allow boys over even at age 19, and have been present these days they have been staying over there since the accident becaue she had a concussion. ok….is my girlfriend harboring a love affair with this female friend of hers??

I am one of the few men who are not arroused by girl on girl action or threesomes, i am the one woman kin d of man, when i am committed i do consider same sex flings as cheating. This has been discussed, once. She casually mentioned years back before we were dating that she only likes penis, not girls, though “i may have been curious whe n i was young and stupid early on in school”
maybe not evidence.
but…would explain her actions, why she is feeling distant, why our affection can no longer be said in front her her friends, well, that one at least. And explains that she did not lie when i confrotned her about if there was another man(i did so tastefully but very firmly) and i beleive her to tell the truth, since she is a terrible liar. However, this would mean she did not lie, i asked about a MAN. She got the most blown up when i got onto the topic of why i can not express that we are together still around her friend(s) and she didnt like that, which was strange. She shows a lot of what looks like guilt when we talk, especially our two arguments over the relationship. It is obvious that there is more than she is telling me.
Coincidence or not, could that stain have been from a lesbian get together before i got home? Friend A did leave as soon as i got there the night i found the stain. Friend A has always been with friend B but now friend B is on the back burner, it is just these two, and that is when things got the molst out of control.

Is my girlfriend attatched to her shy, nerdy quiet friend A on a sexually and/or emotional level, causing her to give me no time, be defensive, and her guilt combined with not wanting to reveal such a thing making her uneasy and stressed?
She used to be a nympho, and now we are over two months of nothing. Which tells me she get sit from somewhere else. but is it coming from this other girl?

Help me. Please.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you were dating for about a year, and she moved in with you at some point — then she broke up with you a couple of weeks ago. You said it was a 24 break up and you got back together, but you suspect she’s losing interest, cheating on you and she has a bunch of bad behaviors that come and go. You’re lonely, and you love her, but you’re not happy in the relationship, and you’re focused on the bad stuff.

Here’s what I can help you with.

1. If you want to win someone over, then focus on winning them over, not pointing out all their faults and flaws. It’s very easy to play the victim, but the reality is that you’re both single and sometimes relationships don’t work out. If you want to try to make this or any relationship work, you should focus on making her feel happy about being with you. The other side of that coin is to become the kind of guy a woman wants. If you’re not that guy, and you don’t want to become that guy, consider changing your “type” to someone who will appreciate you or the lifestyle you have.

2. You wrote that you’re lonely. And you also said that you’ve had a relationship with this woman for several years — making her a 16 or 17 year old friend to a guy in his 20s. I don’t know a lot about you, but maybe you should consider expanding your circle of friends so that you have more friends your own age, and even consider playing the field, and dating other women who are also in their 20s. Ironically, the more successful you are, and the more women who find you attractive, the more she may find you attractive, too! 😉

3. You’re dating a teenager. They have mood swings. They also want to test the waters in many cases, and she may feel that at 27, you’re very settled, and maybe not as “fun” as her other teenage friends. I never pass judgment on age differences, but if you want to date smart, understand that women of different ages have different issues. A 39 year old may want babies. A divorced woman may want to remarry. A career woman may not want kids. These are just examples, but you have to understand that if you date a teenager, there are certain behaviors that come with teenagers that are the “norm”.

I hope that helps!

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