[marriedfor10]

April, I’m not sure if you get many middle aged men on this site (40), and please don’t judge me, but I want to ask an outsider’s opinion on what’s best for me, my relationship with my wife, and my family…I’m married 10 yrs and have been together with my wife for 15. She is an artist and I am a professional (science type) although I also have interest in the arts a bit as well (sort of a left brain/right brain balance if that makes sense). When we met I was blown away by her talent, which was of course intriguing in that I felt I could learn more about those interests I had, and we truly connected and had great times together. It was after just a couple of years together that I began to think long term and periodically tried to get her to think about some sort of career or long term stability, not just for financial reasons but to continue to grow together. She was a waitress so my thoughts were either do something/anything associated with her talent, or at least train to work in an upscale type reastuarant to make a career out of it (if that makes any sense). Years went by and I guess I started to grow tired and kind of felt like I was “daddy”, teaching and taking care of her, which I in no way ever envisioned my marriage would be. I’ve explained myself over the years and at the same time realize you can’t “change” somebody, but I guess thought things would just work out. Well, we were reaching that age where you either start a family or it becomes much more difficult later on so we tried, and tried, and tried. After years of trying and 2 IVF treatments (right before the 2nd of which I was vocal about how if it doesn’t work out this time I can’t afford to continue and maybe we should break…I know, probably too upfront and not the best thing to say) we had a child. I love our child and wouldn’t change it for the world, and I am a very loving person, but these feelings of “maybe I got married for the wrong reasons” and “we’ve grown apart” and “I’m stuck for the next 20 yrs until our child is old enough to understand if we divorce” and “I just want to meet someone at the same level in their career and possibly more like me so we could grow at a similar rate together” and just a feeling of depression about the whole thing haunts me. She is actually now trying to start a career through online school, and I know I have to support her, but part of me thinks “it’s too late..something clicked and I can’t change my feelings”. Even if it works for her it will be a long growing process (which I feel like I went through 10-15 years ago). I’ve always been open and honest and we’ve even discussed counceling but I’m pretty analytical and don’t see how it would change my core feelings. Just figured I’d ask you and possibly get some insight….thanks for listening.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you feel lonely. Turning your waitress/artist wife into a career woman may not be what you need or what you’re looking for. What you may really be needing is new experiences together — so that you can forge new ground together. I think you believe that getting your wife to become more like you will make you less lonely. The problem is that she’s not like you and what drew you together was your interest in her differences. Now, you know her so well, you’re bored. And feeling trapped.

Focus on doing new things together — whether it’s building a greenhouse and cultivating plants, or learning to cook together, or traveling or camping — I don’t know you, so I’m just throwing things out there, but I’m sure you can come up with some exciting areas of life to explore. Also, consider doing some of your own exploring — on your own. You may be looking to someone else to make you feel whole, and the reality is that you’re the only one who can make yourself feel that way. Consider a new hobby or taking a class, yourself. Sometimes, instead of looking in the mirror, we look to others, instead. Turn back and look in your own mirror and see what you can do to interest yourself.

I hope that helps.

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[marriedfor10]

Thank you April. Your thoughts are truly appreciated…and maybe you’re right. I just never thought of lonliness that way, i.e. how can someone feel lonely when they’re not alone…New endeavors together could help although it’s difficult to find the “free” time right now due to our child, who’s only 2. I’ll do some brainstorming and hopefully can come up with something we both are interested in. Thanks again and I appreciate your quick reply.. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

Please know that most of the people I advise, feel lonely within a relationship. In fact, being lonely in a relationship is the most painful kind of lonely because it’s so avoidable, and yet, it exists. It’s like being on a desert island and a plane flies overhead, but you can’t get the plane’s attention. So consider loneliness within your marriage as a source of your discontent.

Also, having a two year old speaks volumes. My guess is that you’re both tired from parenting, working, trying to maintain a home and a relationship and extended family…. and that adds to your unhappiness. This is also common. Making sure you can have grandparents, aunts, uncles, babysitters and neighbors babysit so that the two of you can get out for some romantic time, is very important for your relationship. And, the psychology behind the change your family has endured, can also be part of the problem. A mother is less exciting and sexy than a wife. This goes for you — and your wife. In other words, you have to get back some of the excitement and good feelings you had before you had your child — and before you started on your pregnancy quest. Not easy — but not insurmountable.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts