[DownToEarth]

I am 42 years old. My live in girlfriend is 48. I am no longer in love with her and I have told her so. I will be leaving her this spring which I also told her. I met a woman who is 23 years old. I “knew” her for about 4 years now. She has a boyfriend she lives with and has been with him for about a year. She has told me she is leaving him. She likes me and has told me that she is really into dating older men. We have been spending a lot of time together. Every chance we get. We have kissed, hold hands, hold each other, and messed around. We have not had sex but have come very close. The intimate things have happened rather quickly (within a month). I have told her that I loved her (too soon I know). I have admired her from afar for a very long time though, so to me it hasn’t been too early to say it. It is how I feel. I LOVE everything about this woman. I find her physically intoxicating. I find her wisdom far beyond her years. She is smart and extremely sexy. I am 100% into this girl. I have told her exactly what I want. I have been very clear with my feelings for her. However, things seemed to have cooled off with her. She has told me that what we are doing is wrong. I agreed with her. But I am not strong enough to be “just friends” when we are near. The word “baby” or “honey” always slips out. I can tell it’s bothering her. So I will stop it. I dunno, I feel as though she’s kinda over it with me or maybe it’s just in my head. Should I walk away? Should I follow my heart? Should I fear the age gap? It hurts to know that I feel in love with her and she doesn’t feel the same. How do I slow down just enough to see if she will fall in love with me in time? She tells me she has never been in love before. She also says she has never had a broken heart either. That seems like a red flag to me. Any input from anybody would be helpful.

[AskApril Masini]

The wonderful thing about dating is that it’s a process that allows you to get to know each other over time and experiences. Of course, there are whirlwind romances that happen quickly, but for the most part, I find that it’s very helpful for couples to actually date and figure out how they feel about each other over time. Just because you’ve made decisions about her doesn’t mean she’s on the same time frame, no matter what her age. Two people need to give each other time and space through dating to really decide if they want to continue to spend time together, and to forge a relationship together.

It doesn’t sound like you did that. It sounds like you both kept your romantic partners on the side, while having an affair that had less to do with dating than it did with escape and fantasy. If you really want to date, my advice is to move out of the home you share with your girlfriend now, rather than in the spring, and be single! It’s a lot easier to get involved romantically, when you’re single and available.

[quote]Should I walk away? [/quote]

I think you’re fantasizing what you really have with this woman. It doesn’t sound, from what you’ve written, that there is anything to walk away from. You’re living with a girlfriend. You’re not single. And this younger woman isn’t interested any more.

[quote]Should I follow my heart? [/quote]

Your heart is a great indicator of your feelings, but if you want to be successful in relationships, you have to use your brain, too. 😉 It’s fine to feel love, but you won’t win a woman over with feelings alone. You have to be smart, too.

[quote]Should I fear the age gap? [/quote]

No.

[quote]It hurts to know that I feel in love with her and she doesn’t feel the same. How do I slow down just enough to see if she will fall in love with me in time? [/quote]

Break up with your girlfriend. Move out. Be single. Pursue this other woman. Those are the steps. 😉

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