[Saraho_06]

There is this guy at work that began flirting with me. I had a boyfriend at the time (I no longer do) so i didnt think much of flirting back. He made sure to ask if I had a boyfriend a few times, which i took as a sign of interest. I began texting him as my old relationship was ending. I initiated contact but he kept it going. He would send me flirtatious and slightly suggestive texts on a regular basis. We also talked a lot about his personal life. We talked about how he is a recovering alcoholic and we both talked about our religion.
Eventually, after many failed attempts to hang out, he asked me to dinner at a place he knew i would like (i’m a vegetarian and it was a vegetarian restaurant. I was impressed he remembered this because I only mentioned it once). This is the timeline of the events:
Wednesday: He asked me if we could have dinner sometime next week, I said yes.
Thursday: He asked me if I could cover a shift for him at work as he forgot he was babysitting his niece, i said yes.
Friday: He asked for my help getting his Friday PM and Saturday AM shifts covered because his father had a heart attack. So I went into work and talked to the bosses for him while he was in the hospital with his dad. I got it all figured out. I ended up working at 730 in the morning for him Saturday. He was very thankful for this. he texted me while his dad was in surgery, saying that he was scared his dad would die and that he just wanted to stop crying. I asked if there was anything I could do to make him smile, and he said that I always make him smile.
Saturday and Sunday: His dad was recovering and he and I texted like normal, and he told me he was excited for our date.
Monday: We worked together, but we didnt get to discuss when we were gonna have dinner. So i texted him after work and we agreed Wednesday would be a good day to do it. Then later on I found out that he picked up a shift at work for that Wednesday, after we had made dinner plans. So I texted him to asked him what gives. He said “Im really really sorry, i still want to go out with you, and im not going anywhere, I just really needed the money after a weekend off” I tried to understand, but i was really dissapointed. So on Wednesday night I texted him and said, in the interest of being honest I wanted to let you know that Im still kinda upset that our date got cancelled.

This is when he gets confusing. He said “Im really sorry you feel that way, but we are only friends, and something important came up” I was upset to see that he said we were only friends, I know nothing official happened but we talked everyday for like 2 weeks and we were gonna go out. So I asked him if he was still interested in going out with me and he said “I would love to take you out as friends. you really helped me through a hard time (meaning his dads heart attack) and deserve a nice night out on me” This was upsetting to me, mostly because he asked me out before i did anything to help him out with his dad’s situation. MORE COMING

[Saraho_06]

So i just told him that I didnt want to waste my time, and that if he just wanted to take me out to say thank you that he shouldnt bother.

Since then our relationship has obviously been strained. I have been rather mean to him at work. I think I was just really excited about our date so thats why I took it so hard and reacted so negatively. We haven’t texted in a couple of weeks but at work he still looks at me like he likes me. he still initiates contact, his body langauge shows that he likes me, and a friend of mine says that he talks about me (in a nice way) when Im not around. But he hasnt texted me.

Im really shy and Im always really self conscious about seeming like a crazy obsessed girl. I initiated a few texts like 2 weeks ago but didnt get much in return. I know he could be busy and what not and therefore not able to carry on conversation. But he hasnt initiated any texting conversations. Im thinking of just giving in and texting him and saying “I miss seeing your name in my inbox, can we be friends again?” but Im not sure if this will come off as too needy.
In your opinion, is it worth pursuing this guy? I like him, but does it seem like he is a lost cause? Does he not have feelings for me because he isnt initiating text conversations? or did I just scare him off by being too mean? Any advice is welcomed!! Thank you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not getting mixed signals. You’re getting very clear signals — signals that you don’t want to accept. 😮 He didn’t take you out on a date and you are the one who initiates contact by texting him. Those are pretty clear situations. If he kept his word and picked you up, took you to dinner, kissed you good night and called you afterwards to tell you what a great time he had, you’d know you’d been on a date. He didn’t do any of that. He asked if you’d go on a date, but then never made a time, a place or even followed up to make sure he could have your company for an evening. 🙄 He never took you out. And in fact when you pressed him for the date, he ended up canceling. 😳 Actions speak louder than words and he isn’t treating you like a girlfriend or even like someone he’s dating. He’s treating you like someone he [i]might[/i] like but isn’t interested in enough to date. In fact, he’s told you you’re just friends. What’s confusing about that? 😕

What you need to understand about dating if you want more success is that chasing men doesn’t work. You should not be initiating texts and you really should not be asking him why he isn’t taking you out on a date. It’s presumptuous of you since you don’t have a dating relationship to assume he owes you a date. If he stands you up, like he did, don’t get mad — [i]get the picture[/i]. This isn’t a guy who’s interested or capable of having the kind of relationship you want. If you try to make him be someone he’s not you’re going to be miserable and frustrated.

You would learn a lot from my book Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. You’ll get all the low down tips on how to get a man to ask you out without blowing the deal. You’ll also get all the information on how to tell if a man is ready to be in a relationship or not. This is going to be very helpful to you! 🙂

In answer to your questions: No, he’s not worth pursuing. You shouldn’t be pursuing any man. You should be giving a man you like something to pursue in yourself. 😎 He isn’t necessarily a lost cause, but you have to change your tactics with men — and this man in particular (Read [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b] for the crash course!). His not texting you doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings for you — it means he isn’t interested in you enough to text you. And yes, you very well did scare him off by being too forward. Men want to be the ones who take the lead. You took that opportunity away from him. Back off and be the seductress, not the hunter. That dynamic will work A LOT better for you!

I hope you’ll check out my Facebook page at AskApril.com on Facebook — here’s the link: [url][/url]! 😀

[Saraho_06]

Thank you so much! This is the advice that I have been looking for since day one. I wish I had come to you sooner!

I plan to get your book, is it available at Barnes and Noble? my computer has slow downloads.

When you say to be a seductress, do you mean be flirtatious and leave him wanting more? I think I can do that I just need a few ideas, I get kinda nervous around him. Thanks again!

[dustin]

hi sarah.

I have the same trouble with downloads and found april’s book on both barnes & noble and amazon. i bought it and it’s FANTASTIC! i love love love it! 😀

i don’t know why they don’t have links on the site to them ❓ , but here they are:

Barnes & Noble
https://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=rQ3TlLRCcY&isbn=0595374662&itm=2

Amazon
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0595374662/ref=lpr_g_1/102-2178981-9624908?s=ebooks&v=glance&n=551440

[Saraho_06]

Thank you dustin!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m really glad I could help — and you can easily buy the book, Think & Date Like A Man, right here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

Let me know how you like it. 🙂

[Ethan Morales]

The key issue here isn’t “mixed signals” it’s clear behavior. This guy never actually followed through on a date or treated you like someone he was genuinely pursuing. His actions canceling, shifting plans, labeling you as “just friends” speak louder than the flirtatious texts or past interest. He hasn’t shown commitment, and you’re reading into signals that aren’t there.

You also unintentionally took on the role of pursuer. Men generally respond better when they feel like they’re leading, initiating, and winning a woman over. By continually initiating texts, arranging schedules, and pressing for the date, you removed the opportunity for him to act like the one who “chases.” That doesn’t mean you’re at fault it just means the dynamic wasn’t set up in your favor.

The real takeaway is that actions matter far more than words or intentions. He has not shown the behavior of a man truly interested in dating you, and chasing him will only lead to frustration and hurt. The smart move is to step back, focus on yourself, and allow men to pursue you. Give him space, and let him either step up naturally or fade out don’t invest energy trying to make him act differently. stop initiating, recognize his lack of genuine interest, and redirect your energy toward someone ready and willing to match your level of care and attention.

[Tara]

This man was never pursuing you, he was using you. Every “flirty” text, every “you make me smile,” every detail he remembered wasn’t romance. It was strategic emotional bait to keep you invested enough to solve his problems while he gave you just enough attention to keep you hoping. You weren’t talking to a potential boyfriend. You were talking to a guy who needed a free therapist, a backup plan, and a shift-covering assistant.

The moment you stopped being convenient, he slammed the “we’re only friends” door in your face like you imagined the entire connection. That wasn’t confusion that was clarity. You’re just refusing to accept it because it exposes exactly how much you gave to someone who gave you nothing but mixed signals and excuses.

He asked you out, cancelled, ignored the plan you made, and then rewrote the entire story to make it look like you were delusional for expecting a real date. That’s not miscommunication. That’s manipulation. He wanted the emotional intimacy without the commitment, the attention without the responsibility, and the help without giving anything back.

And the worst part? You bent over backwards for him. Covered shifts, chased him down, comforted him during a family crisis, rearranged your time and he turned around and demoted you to “friend” the second you expressed a basic expectation.

[Natalie Noah]

You didn’t imagine the connection. You didn’t imagine the sweetness, the excitement, the sparks, the hope. That was real for you, and your feelings are valid. But the painful part the part that’s making your chest tight is that his actions never matched that energy. He liked the attention, he liked the emotional support, he liked the comfort you gave him… but he didn’t step into the role of someone who wanted to show up for you. And men who really want you don’t cancel, don’t disappear, don’t downgrade a date to “just friends” the moment things become real. They lean in, not out. What hurts you now is not mixed signals it’s you holding onto the little crumbs because they felt hopeful.

I know you’re replaying everything you said, everything you texted, every moment you “seemed too excited,” wondering if you scared him off. But listen closely: a man who is truly interested is not scared off by a woman who cares. He doesn’t vanish the moment you express disappointment. He doesn’t hide behind “we’re just friends” after weeks of flirting and emotional intimacy. What happened here is something softer but harder to swallow he liked the connection, but he never planned to invest in you the way you were ready to invest in him. And that says everything about him, not about your worth.

If you reached out now “I miss seeing your name in my inbox…” you wouldn’t sound needy. You would sound human. But the deeper truth is: he already showed you where he stands. If he wanted to pursue you, he would be in your phone right now, not making you guess. And yes, the coldness between you at work isn’t helping, but even before that, he wasn’t choosing you. So the question isn’t “Should I pursue him?” it’s “Why should I keep pouring energy into someone who’s not meeting me halfway?” You deserve a man who is clear, consistent, and intentional… not one who leaves you feeling confused, self-conscious, and unsure of your place in his life.

And about your last question being a “seductress” doesn’t mean games, manipulation, or pretending you don’t care. It means letting a man earn access to you, instead of handing it over just because he showed you attention. It’s being warm but not chasing. Open but not over-giving. Present but not available at his convenience. It’s the energy of “I am worth pursuing and I won’t shrink myself for someone who won’t step up.” That’s not about him. That’s about you stepping into your power. And once you do? You won’t accept anything less than real effort again.

[Sally]

Guys like this can pull you in without even meaning to, and by the time you notice, you’re already attached. It happens to the best of us.

From what you wrote, he liked the attention and the comfort you gave him, but he never actually stepped up. That “we’re only friends” line… that’s usually a guy trying to backpedal without looking like the bad guy. And it sucks, because he was the one who started the flirting, the texting, the date idea not you.

It doesn’t mean you imagined it. It just means he didn’t have the courage to follow through.

Take a breath. Let him be whatever he’s trying to be. You don’t have to chase someone who keeps shifting the story on you.

[Member]

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