[amelie21]

Hi,
I’ve been seeing a guy on and off for about 7 months now. Part of the difficulty with getting to know him is that he usually lives 1-5 hours drive away. We met on an internet dating site mainly because we have common sports interests. Our first “date” we played sports. He definitely seemed shy (quiet and sometimes stutters when he talks), but we had a good time. Second “date,” he invited me on another sports outing but he invited his room mate. Afterwards we all cooked dinner together and watched a movie. Then he said “see ya” and I left. At that point, I didn’t expect to hear from him again, but he contacted me about a week and a half later and ended up joining me and some other friends on another sports outing. We had lots of fun again, but he seemed too busy with work and studying for an upcoming exam to set-up another date. I ended up texting him before his exam to wish him luck, and after he completed his exam we actually went out on a few romantic dates (dinner, movie, kissing, etc.) where we got along great. However, he went out of town right afterwards and said he would call when he came back (which he never did). We ended up running into each other at the gym. I made small talk, but from everything that had gone on, I was pretty sure that I had been played or that he had lost interest. When I went to leave, he actually came running out of the building after me. He apologized for not calling and reminded me that he was moving yet again, but that he hoped I would visit. I felt bad, so I promised to stay in touch. I decided to test him out on his invitation a few weeks later, and he seemed really excited for me to come visit, but with the caveat that we were just friends because he was starting to see someone where he had moved. I decided to go for the visit (which ironically was Valentine’s weekend), because we do enjoy each others company and playing sports together. That weekend we had a great time playing sports with his new work friends and just hanging out (watching movies, talking at cafes, etc.) and we kissed a few times despite him saying he was starting to see someone else. He sort of mentioned something about being interested in me, but that long distance was difficult. When I left, he seemed really happy that I had visited and mentioned he hoped he’d see me again soon. My assessment at this time was that he is actually a shy, nice guy and uncertain of a relationship (not wanting to take a chance on my because of long distance, etc.). I let him know that I do have feelings for him, but that I was also being cautious because of the long distance. I thought I would keep in touch to keep the friendship and perhaps see if it could ever develop into something more. Since then, I have sent him texts about once a week that he always responds very promptly to, but he never initiates texts himself. Although it is nice to have him as a friend, the fact that he doesn’t seem to take any initiative makes it difficult to maintain a friendship or even consider anything more than that. I decided to test the waters again and I did something I would usually never do, I essentially invited myself for another visit this weekend or next. He responded promptly that he “thought he was busy this weekend, and might have to work next weekend, but would get back to me early next week.” So, again it doesn’t seem like he is too interested in me, and is maybe just being polite (perhaps he is seeing other people, but I am not sure why he wouldn’t just say so since he was candid about that before). I am wondering if I should just stop contact altogether. He has my number, etc. so he knows how to contact me. I just want to make sure that I am not blowing off a nice, shy guy that has difficulty communicating and that maybe we would have a chance if I somehow communicated differently.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think he’s shy — or at least too shy to date you, because he’s been perfectly capable of doing so. I think you kind of nailed it when you said he’s not that into you — and that’s why he’s not more responsive. He’s made it pretty clear that he’s playing the field, and he’s got job and moving obligations. And then there’s the distance. I think he likes you, but he’s just that into you, or that ready to be committed to someone. It’s one of those situations where it’s not you. My advice is to move on and play the field. If he wants to contact you, he knows how.

I hope that helps!

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