[howtovercome08]

The monster within me.
Why must I hurt the people that I can honestly say mean the most to me? For the last five years I have dealt with a relationship that ended every few months over petty things such as disagreeing about things getting done around the house and what shift I was working, or that I spent five minutes to long in the woods hunting and spending time by myself. I was continually cussed out and degraded. I stayed with this for 4 years. Back and forth from friends and families house back to the hell hole for a few months.
Things took a dramatic turn for the worst in late January 2015. We had been fighting a little bit more harsh than normal. I was told I was a deadbeat dad for giving temporary custody to my father because I had lost my job and my car. I had almost literally no means to care for my son. That fight landed me to unconsciously overdose on almost 9 mg of adivan. I stayed in ICU with a 24 hour nurse because of a suicide attempt. Did I really want to end things? Why did I do that? I am normally a happy go lucky person. Very passive. All I really cared for was to get up, go to work, and come home.
While in ICU I was given the chance to voluntarily admit myself to a psychiatric unit for help and counseling. The experience was a real eye opener to things that needed to change. I vowed to change them and was working very well with them. I had moved in with my grandparents. I started a very good job, which by the way is completely paying for me to go back to school and earn my degree. However there was also something very strange at work here.
I remember walking in to a small group. Sat down not really talking with anyone. I overheard a conversation near me and a very familiar name popped up in the conversation. I waited and finally decided to speak. Little did I know that deciding to break on and actually speak would start the ball rolling for an incredible journey? I found somebody that related to me, didn’t judge me or look deeper into my flaws. I never thought I would find what I can ultimately say was the love of my life; the perfect match.
Within the first few months our relationship was without a hitch. We agreed. We loved. But old thorns began to arise again, and I felt myself slipping back to old ways. The monster I spent 4 years of hell with began to appear again. Why did I slip back into it? Was it because it was familiar? I knew I didn’t want to be there anymore. But it was like a drug addiction. I always thought addictions were physically harmful, not emotionally or mentally. But I slipped, I tried to claw my way back up. I would almost get to the top and would slip again for a total of three times. The third time flat lined my world. The addiction the monster had won. I lost what greatness I had. The love of somebody who had more love for me and my happiness than she did herself.
There are two monsters now. The one I had lived with, and the one I had tried too hard to hide from everyone. The second monster I believe is Impulsive and easily influenced. It is sick and twisted, and has no bounds with the possibilities of its actions. It is capable of hurting and ruining people and situation with destruction comparable to that of a mental nuclear bomb. I have no idea how to stop them. They have caused me to lose the great and beautiful things around me.
Now these things are a figment of the past. I stand here overlooking the damage, and it is irreparable. The question that stands now is where to turn. I have hope that I can defeat this monster, and maybe regain what I once had. But have I broken it to the foundation. Is there enough materials to rebuild to a sturdy structure again? A structure that can last a last a lifetime, and hold back any barrage of attack that could possibly come, or should I let it lie in ruin as a memory, never to be touched again by my hand for a chance of reducing what skeleton still remains. I Have exhausted all options, I no longer know of any way to defeat these monster and I am reaching our for any idea or course of action to take, so they don’t consume me again.

[AskApril Masini]

Look at your life as a work in progress. 🙂 There is not a single day when you are “finished”. One bad day is followed by a not so bad day. Sometimes a good day is followed by a not so good day — because life is fluid. Things change — circumstances change; other people change; you change; truths are revealed — or hidden… Life is a journey, and when you accept it, warts and all, is when you can begin to enjoy it. You will make mistakes, and so, too, will other people. The mistakes are less important than the opportunities you are given in those mistakes, and the creative ways you approach them.

You talk a lot in metaphors about “monsters” and a “hell hole”, etc. It will help me help you if you talk about specific situations and specific relationships. I can help you with those. 🙂 The reason that specifics are important is that they are details in life and the way to live is one day at a time, one situation at a time. When you resort to sweeping generalizations, you’re creating a wave of impossibility. “Monsters” are impossible to overcome — but people and relationships are not. 😉 If you set out to “defeat the monster” you’re giving yourself a very difficult task to overcome — but if you simply face today, I think you have a better chance of finding success and happiness. In each day are 24 hours with 60 minutes in each of those 24 and if most of them are disappointing, spend an hour walking in the park or getting a coffee and notice what is good in your life — even if it’s beautiful trees, or a clever squirrel, or a cute dog. You have to get away from the drama of “monsters” and you need to get back to the small things in life that are good.

Please let me know if there are specific relationships you want to work on, and I will do my best to help you. 😀

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