[maelebebaby]

Me and my husband have a rough marriage. When me and my husband argue he packs his bags and has his mom pick him up and he stays at his parents for days. His mom creates fights between us has called me names and they tag team against me. One time he took my wedding ring and she drove him to the pawn shop to pawn it. Another time he took my tv and she helped him. I blame both of them but talking to him about it doesn’t help he sides with her. I’ve tried giving him ultimatums, kicking him out. Silent treatments and letting him go back to his mom’s but it repeats itself and I feel married to her too! Please help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

Is this your first marriage? Is it his first marriage?

How long have the two of you been married?

Has he always been like this — even when you dated? How long did you date before marrying?

Do you have children?

[maelebebaby]

I’m 35 and he’s 29. This is second marriage and this is his first. We only dated 2 months and got married. A month later I was pregnant. We share one child together married for 2 years. Yes I noticed little things he would ask me to pick any jewelry I wanted from a brochure and then give the same brochure to his mom to pick out. Other times we could be out somewhere fun and he would invite his mom. I remember for 3 months straight we were nearly visiting his mom’s every other day because he liked being around her. If my husband is angry with me threatens divorce, his mom sides with him and disowns as well. When we make up she acts as if nothing ever happens.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thank you for filing me in.

It sounds like he hasn’t changed — this is the same guy who had a twisted relationship with his mother when you dated and now he’s got a twisted relationship with his mother while you’re married. Unfortunately, two months of dating before marriage was a[i] very[/i] short courtship. 😕 I’m not sure what the rush was, but here you are. And here’s my advice: Focus on your marriage. The problem here isn’t his mother. It’s him. He’s a 29 year old man — old enough to choose his wife and his marriage above all. You have to try and get the marriage onto a track where he wants to be with you and he wants to honor you. If he never did, then you’ve got a little more work than if he used to and stopped. Try and find ways to make him happy and want to be with you — not his mother. At the same time, limit your exposure to his mother without getting into an argument with her, or with him about her. It will be very easy to start criticizing her to him, but that’s going to make things worse. Keep your friends close, and if you need to vent, vent to them — not him.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[maelebebaby]

Thank you for your wise advice it does make sense to me. He did honor me at one point so I could definitely do my part to make him more happy. The distance from his mom is going to be a challenge because she wants to see my daughter often. She’s only 13 months old. I realize I can’t keep my daughter away forever and my husband pressures me to give in, so what should I do ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This issue isn’t unique. Especially if your husband is an only child, or if your daughter is the first grandchild for your mother in law. I think that one of your best solutions for this situation is to create structure regarding visits, to preserve your sanity and the idea that at any moment your mother in law may pop in. I think the uncertainty of a mother-in-law drive by is probably off putting.

The trick to a schedule is to make it global — not just about your mother-in-law. For instance, you can schedule in a monthly dinner for your parents and one for his. You can schedule in babysitting hours for your mother-in-law and for your sister, or your own mother — and schedule in date nights for you and your husband, too — in other words get something out of this for you, too! Call on your mother in law to help you out if you want to go out with friends or get some shopping done — so she’s not the only one wanting to be with your daughter. If you call on her to do grandma duty, she may not feel so needy of seeing her grandchild.

Dilute the visits with her by inviting your friends, their babies, and their in-laws over, too. In a group, you can dilute your mother in law’s behavior, and your mother in law may even behave better if she’s being watched by another grandmother and one of your friends.

I know you want to keep her out of your life, but that’s not going to work, because you married a man with a close relationship with his mother, so…. change your behavior, and see that you have an opportunity to get creative and include her, but on your terms. Frankly, this change in your own behavior may dissipate her need to behave badly. She may be doing it, on some level, because she knows it bothers you, and if you can find humor and freedom without confrontation, you’re way ahead of the game. 🙂

[maelebebaby]

Thank you April I think I can wing it! I never thought of it that way. What would you do in a situation when your husband packs and leaves during a fight and runs back to his parents ? It happens quite a lot over little things. I’ve tried talking, pleading, boundaries, silent treatment nothing works and as long as he runs back to his mom problems keep happening…any suggestions?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is who he was when you dated and it’s who he is when you’re married. 😕 In other words, he’s the same guy you married — he hasn’t changed, and he probably won’t. The ball’s in your court and you should figure out how YOU will change so you’re okay when he does this. 😉 You can try fighting less often so he has fewer reasons to leave, since it sounds like the two of you fighting is what triggers his leaving. But if that doesn’t work, then I think you have to stop counting on him and start becoming more independent. Don’t expect on him to stick around when he’s unhappy. Expect him to do what he’s always done — run to his mother. And find ways to be okay when it does happen.

I hope that helps.

[Sally]

That’s not just a rough marriage that’s a painful pattern.
What stands out isn’t just his mom. It’s that your husband lets her step into your marriage every time there’s conflict. Packing his bags, running to her, letting her insult you, helping him pawn your ring and take your things that’s not normal fighting. That’s him choosing her side over and over.

You’re right when you say you feel married to her too. You are. And the hardest truth is this: you don’t actually have a mother-in-law problem. You have a husband problem. A spouse is supposed to protect the marriage, not hand it over to their parent during arguments.

Ultimatums, silence, kicking him out none of that works because the core issue hasn’t changed. He hasn’t chosen to be your partner first.
Ask yourself this, honestly and quietly: if nothing changed, could you live like this for years? If the answer is no, that matters. Love shouldn’t feel like being ganged up on. You deserve peace in your own marriage.

[Member]

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