[Riverofblood]

Hi, I feel like I’m almost losing it completely at this point. Well, I know that will never happen because the auto-management mode takes over, the robotic modes that makes me do what I have to do even if that is just sitting still. But still… I can’t even look at my eyes in the mirror right now because they seem so sad, so lost, to a derranged level. So, I thought that I should talk about my situation with someone, to let it out, and here I am. There are two or three interconnected parts to what has been causing me enormous grief. But well, I seem to be in love. I think that’s what it is. I seem to have awaken to it, perhaps, but I am not in a good place. Or am I? My situation tells me not. This girl, I have been imagining us together and it is a blissful thing. Really wonderful, a wonderful love. That’s a reality that I am living because I see how she likes me, I feel it. Well, maybe I don’t even see the whole of it but I feel it and I see it. Now, she does have a boyfriend. But how could someone like her not have one? But at 35, she says she doesn’t want to marry, and I have heard her complaining (maybe for me to hear) about him working in another country and they only meeting so scarcely. But maybe they have talked it out and strengthened their relationship now, and that’s why I feel the way I do, that I have let her go by? I need advice from a woman, what would you be thinking and/or doing if you had a guy that you liked, who is a great catch though maybe not a huge passion, and you meet another one for which you feel very attracted and perhaps see what I see, that we would be a great thing together? So, this is one aspect of the question, another aspect is the reason why the former is even a problem, because if I was minimally able to make things go ahead with a woman it’s for sure that we would have been together long ago. But my inability is cronical and is something that causes situations like these over and over again. I’m nearly forty years old and that has been my life story concerning relationships. Pain, more or less pain, more or less despair, even though girls like me. I remember the first one that I made nothing happen with as she was making out with the guy who then picked her and looking at me in with a sort of sorrowful look. But that’s it, girls don’t do anything, they just get picked by whoever comes and a passive guy like me gets to this age without ever having had a single girlfriend. Not a single real one, but many virtual ones who liked me and who I fantasized with. And some of these situations got really painful for me, but even after all that, the situation I am in seems most horrible as I really seem to be in love and I don’t know if I have lost my chance, even though I never had one because I just didn’t know what to do. I don’t see myself asking her out for a coffee, or for dinner, or for movies or anything. Maybe because I just don’t feel integrated… that actually is my great problem, I can’t think of ways to make anything go forward, and that is causing unbearable despair. I’d just like to hear whatever thoughts you may have on this.

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Can 40 year old guy who lives with his parents and makes scarcely any money have a girlfriend?[/quote]

Probably not. Most women want a man who is independent and successful. My advice is that you get a job and move out of your parents house. You’ll have a much easier time with women that way. 😉

As for this woman you love, who has a boyfriend, why not just find someone to date who is available? Again, you’ll have a much easier time dating if you empathize instead of just look at things from your point of view.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Riverofblood]

Yes, you’re quite right with all that. The fact that I don’t feel good in the situation I am in by itself excludes having women in my life. As for this girl, I tend to be swept away in the feelings of others, to feed on the reflection I get from them. With her, I managed to avoid it for a long time and just saw her neutrally without any intentions. Then at some point, after getting so many signals of interest, I just gave in. This has happened before, with a married woman (which I didn’t know she was, though she probably wasn’t when I first met her). At some point I “gave in” and became obssessed with her without knowing anything about her, that was actually my previous “tragedy”. I should meet more people to avoid getting so centered on particular women which I start thinking are my match, but it’s difficult, and the jobless thing is a part of that. As for this girl, it will be difficult to let go when I see her kind of regularly and to see that I am something that she desires makes me feel like a tremendous loser. I will try to cut feeding her ego or something.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re welcome to ask me any questions you have. 🙂

[Riverofblood]

Well… I would ask, does it make sense to you, this concept of there being men who women desire and feel attracted to, but go nowhere because of a sort of emotional aloofness, which prevents them from knowing what to do to move things forward with a woman? Can you relate this to any reality you have experienced and perhaps give me a woman’s perspective of it? I mean honestly, with no fear of hurting my feelings or anything 🙂

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Well… I would ask, does it make sense to you, this concept of there being men who women desire and feel attracted to, but go nowhere because of a sort of emotional aloofness, which prevents them from knowing what to do to move things forward with a woman?[/quote]

Emotional aloofness doesn’t keep people from knowing what to do to move things forward in a relationship with a woman. If people don’t know what to do to move things forward in a relationship it’s because they have an absence of experience or a lack of creativity or they’re lazy. Being aloof doesn’t have anything to do with knowing what to do in a relationship. 😉

[Jettagliturbo1]

Follow GOD’s lead sir. Wake up everyday man and take the first 30 minutes to meditate. I am a 28 year old man who is MADLY and when I say MADLY. MADLY! In love with his girlfriend of 3 years. We went on 1 break then broke up and now again she says at this point she does not see a future together. Remember one thing sir, you do have to do your part by working on yourself, fitness, health, career, living situation however, allow GOD to help you. I am a personal trainer and martial artist. Meditate in the morning and take 30 minutes to completely silence your mind and listen for instructions from GOD! God bless you sir and may you get what you desire in life. In Jesus Name!

Daniel I

[AskApril Masini]

Maybe [b]Riverofblood[/b] can get some insight from your forum questions: . Thank you for weighing in!

[Sally]

First, yes a 40-year-old man who lives with his parents and doesn’t make much money can have a girlfriend. That part alone doesn’t disqualify you. What gets in the way isn’t your situation, it’s how small and frozen you feel inside it. You’re stuck living love in your head instead of your real life, and that hurts more the longer it goes on.

About this woman she has a boyfriend. That’s the part you can’t skip over. Even if she complains, even if you feel a connection, she hasn’t chosen you. Right now, most of what you’re feeling is longing mixed with fantasy, not something that’s actually been tested between two people.

The deeper pain here isn’t her. It’s that you’ve been waiting your whole life for someone to pick you, instead of learning how to step forward, imperfectly, and risk hearing no. That fear has protected you, but it’s also kept you alone.
You’re not too old. But nothing changes unless you start acting, even scared. And you deserve more than just watching life pass you by.

[Member]

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